Grief Journal: The Things I'd Like To Say

8) If I Could Tell My Child Something I Would Say...

You were perfect.

I love you more than I have or will love anyone.

I needed you more than I needed air.

I miss you more anyone could possibly miss someone.

I wish you were here.

I miss our lunch dates.

I miss listening to you talk.

Your smiles and your laughter kept me going.

Every second with you was worth it.

I'd do it all over again to have you.

If I could have saved you,

I would have.

Click here for the entire list of journal prompts.

Time

Whoever said "time heals all wounds" never lost a child. Time cannot heal all wounds, but God can.

We're coming up on Liam's second angelversary and third Christmas without him. If I were to tell you that two years after loss that all will be fine, it would be a lie and I won't lie to you. To be truthful, it gets worse. That may seem daunting to you if your just starting this journey of life after the loss of a child but keep reading. 

It's the holidays without him that are the worst. I'm not sure if it's worse for us because the holidays and his angelversary are compounded on top of each other. I believe that it must be because we survive Valentines Day, Easter, and 4th of July with more "grace". The first Christmas without our Liam there were no smiles, no laughter and no enjoyment. If we hadn't of already decorated when he passed then we wouldn't have.

The second Christmas without him the numbness wore off and it was like a knife being driven into our hearts.There were fake smiles when we could muster them. Everything was a blur and we were like robots just doing things we normally did because that's what was expected of us.

This year, our third Christmas without Liam, I'm prepared. I threw up the tree as soon as I felt the depression setting in. We knocked out our Christmas shopping knowing that I would be basically useless the closer it got to Liam's angelversary. They're even mostly wrapped. The only thing we haven't been able to do is muster the energy to put up the outside lights. We're so sad this year that we even skipped the Christmas parade. We have moments when we cry. Moments when we laugh. Moments when we're just there. Moments when we're fully engaged in life. It's this constant ache in your heart that never goes away. A pain you can live with but always hurts. 

There are moments it feels like the air is sucked out of the room. Moments when the pain is so great you think surely your heart will stop at any moment. At our one year mark, I still wasn't sure I would survive the loss of my son. At nearly the two year mark and I know I'll survive it but I still have moments I think my heart will stop. We went from not being able to even see a future to now planning for the future again. It may only be a few months ahead but it's a start. There's hope because we believe God will heal our broken hearts.

I believe that you need a reason to keep living after the loss of a child. Sometimes that pain is so great that the fact that you have another isn't enough reason to want to live. Losing Liam broke me into so many pieces that I couldn't put myself back together again. Daily, hourly, I prayed to either die or be healed. When Liam was born sick, I thought I had found my reason for life. Taking care of him so that he could do something amazing and change the world. My reason for living was ripped from me when he passed but God gave me another reason. Another path. Using my own pain and story to help others through their loss. I share my personal journey here with you in hopes that it will help someone out there. 

I also co-founded a non-profit ministry, Sent from Heaven. Together my co-founder Amanda (who had the brilliant idea for SfH) and I spread awareness, put together care packages and share our stories and resources with other families going through this journey. Having a purpose, something to throw yourself into is important. At first it's a distraction then it becomes your mission and then one day you wake up and you've changed. Your pain has changed. If it wasn't for SfH, I don't know where I'd be right  now and I don't want to think about it. 

Nearly two years later and nearly every laugh is genuine. I still have bad days, days I don't even want to get out of bed, but it's changing. I have hope  now, where before I had none.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18

Grief Journal: Difficult

7) What do you find difficult that you didn't before you lost your child?


I find it difficult to hear another child have the same name as mine. Every time I hear it my brain automatically thinks of my son. Then there's a slight delay as my brain catches up and pushes through the confusion.

Holidays, birthday's, special occasions are extremely hard. We're coming up on the second angelversary and third Christmas without Liam and this year is harder than the others.

Three years ago today Liam was cuddled on my lap watching the Thanksgiving day parade but scared of the loud noises.

Two years ago today Liam and Lanie were making salt dough ornaments to hang on the tree.

One year ago we were navigating our first thanksgiving without Liam.

Today we are skipping the Christmas parade and feeling depressed. None of us even care if we put lights up outside. None of us feel like celebrating without our little lamb.

This is child loss. This is CDH. This is pulmonary embolism.

Click here for the entire list of journal prompts.

Grief Journal: It's All In The Name

6) How did you choose your child's name?

Choosing Liam's name was harder than I imagined. When I was pregnant with Lanie we had choosen the name Landon if she were to be a boy. I just thought we'd use that name. Liam wasn't a Landon though. It took way longer to come up with his name than it did Lanie's. We were watching a Liam Nesson movie and decided then that our baby boy was a Liam. It was fitting too, to name him after an actor since Lanie was named after a movie character.

Liam is an Irish boys name meaning strong willed warrior. That he was. He came out fighting for his life and never stopped. If it wasn't for that sudden pulmonary embolism then he would still be here with us, fighting. Even though he had a fighters spirit he shouldn't of had to fight for every breathe he took.

His nickname was Little Lamb. When he was a tiny baby during one of our hospital stays, one of the nurses thought she heard me call him Lamb instead of Liam. She thought it was adorable and so did I. It ended up just sticking. Liam was God sent to us. He brought us closer to God. He is one of God's lambs. In his death he has brought me even closer to God, making my faith stronger.

Click here to view the entire list of journal prompts for bereaved parents.

Grief Journal: Thanful

5) What have you been thankful for during your grief?

Finding something to be thankful for is hard. Almost two years later and I'm still struggling to tread water. The things that come to mind wouldn't be what most would probably think of but grief is different for everyone and there is no normal.

I'm thankful for my cats. Jack is my therapy cat in every sense of the word. He can feel my anxiety and my pain (maybe even my PTSD/depression flare ups) because every time I have a bad day, he's right there in my arms. And Ozzy, our 20 pound Maine Coon, is always making me laugh. He doesn't like cuddles but on my bad days he will day on my feet.

Jack

Ozzy

I am thankful for my daughter Lanie. Most days it seems that she's the only reason I get out of bed. She's beautiful and smart and has such a loving heart.

Lanie and Me.

I'm thankful for my soft turquoise blanket that I like to caccoon my self in when I'm not feeling well. And for my heating pad.

I am thankful for the family and friends that have stood by me during this journey of life after loss. It hasn't been easy. I am also thankful God gave me an outlet and a way to help others through Sent from Heaven.




Click here to view the entire list journal prompts for bereaved parents.

Grief Journal: Surprising

4) What has been surprising during your grief?

When my son passed away, it was soul shattering blow. The entire first year it was like there was veil shrouding the pain. Numb but not completely. I wasn't prepared for the pain  that would hit for the second year without him. The veil had lifted and there was nothing left to cushion the blow of another set of holidays and special moments without my sweet boy.

Now we're approaching the second angelversary of my sweet boy and the 3rd year without him. The depression seems to have set in sooner than it did last year. It feels deeper and darker. I find myself not doing things I would normally do. I've stayed home instead of attending get together's. Even one on ones I've canceled. I don't want to be around anyone. Not even  my family. I seclude myself. The pain keeps getting worse.

The most surprising thing during my grief has been that the pain keeps getting worse. That my heart is still beating despite the amount of pain I'm in. They say that you can die from heartbreak. They also say that time heals all wounds but that's a complete and utter lie. And despite being surrounded by family and friends, I feel all alone.


Click here to view the entire list of journal prompts for bereaved parents.

Grief Journal: Confusion

3) What has been confusing during your grief?

Grief is a "funny" thing. It messes with our hearts and our minds. So much has been confusing to be since the loss of  my son. Like how I've continued to live when my heart hurts so very much.

The most confusing for me though is the chain of events that lead to my sons death.

In November he caught a cold. He was sick yet he was his normal smiling and laughing, energetic little boy. He stayed sick for a few weeks then got better. After only 2 days he began getting sick again. On the Monday before he passed I took him to urgent care for chest xrays knowing how prone he was to pneumonia but because of how happy and energetic he was, the doctor refused.

That night he got worse. The next morning I rushed him back to urgent care, on oxygen. He was extremely exhausted but seemed fine otherwise. Suddenly in the waiting room he turned blue. They transferred him to ER where he later died suddenly of a pulmonary embolism.

Because of his weak immune system his body couldn't fight off the cold and it became a blood infection. That infection created the pulmonary embolism. If his veins hadn't been covered in so much scar tissue they would have been able to save him but years of being poked for IV's and blood draws left it impossible to gain IV access. We had just removed his mediport a year and a half prior to that.

It confuses me how he was so happy and bouncing around then suddenly he was gone. It confuses me how a cold turned into a blood infection. He confuses me that he was here and then gone the next second.


Click here to view the complete list of journal prompts.

Grief Journal: Telling About Your Loss

2) Describe a time you told someone (who didn't already know) about your loss.

The other day I had to see a surgeon. The nurse doing the intake had to ask me a series of questions. Those questions included needing to know how many children I had. That is a hard question for me since the loss of my son.

I explained that I had my 9 year old daughter and that I lost my 4 year old son.

I then braced myself for what was surely to come next. Most people get this look of pitty in their eyes and say how sorry they are for me. It confuses me because they never look truly saddened. It's always pure pitty and I hate pitty.

This girl however didn't react whatsoever. No "I'm sorry", no look of pitty, nothings. In that moment I could have hugged her. She was the very first person not to fake it. She probably didn't care one bit but she was truthful in her actions and I was so very grateful.

There are times where I can't bring myself to tell one more person that I've lost a child. Times when I can't bear to hear one more "I'm sorry" or see one more look of pitty. For instance there's a cashier at Walmart that I've yet to be able to correct when she asks where my babies are. She just assumes they're both at home or school. I haven't found the courage to explain that my son died two years ago this December.

So being confronted with someone who was real was refreshing.


Click here to view the complete list of journal prompts.

Epiploic Appendagitis

I hate to admit when I need help. What I hate to admit more is when I'm not OK.  I'm not OK. I try really really hard to be but it's an uphill battle. For so long I let my health go. My hands were full taking care of Liam. My kids will always come first, ALWAYS. Maybe that was just an excuse I used to not confront my own health. I seemed to run away from it every time something popped up. Well there's no more running.

The pain I'm in is too intense to ignore. It sent me to the ER twice last month. ER diagnosed my with a rare condition called epiploic appendagitis. 

An Epiploic Appendage are these tiny fatty pockets along your colon. They serve no purpose whatsoever. Epiploic Appendagitis is when one or more of these swells, or gets twisted up and starts dying off. It's extremely painful and rare. Mine is extremely swollen to about the size of my pointer finger. The entire area around it is swollen as well, to the point you can see a lump on my abdomen. The ER doctor said these usually resolve themselves. Mine however is not resolving itself.

Because this isn't resolving itself my doctor referred me to a surgeon. I just saw the surgeon this past Monday. After asking me a ton of questions, he feels like the epiploic appendagitis was caused by Endometriosis. He feels like when I suffered the uterine rupture with Liam that it increased my chances of having endometriosis exponentially and that I have all the classic symptoms.

In fact my PCP also believes I have Endometriosis and when he referred me to the surgeon he was supposed to list laproscopic surgery but when the referral lady filled out the form she failed to add it. I've discussed with my doctor what we're going to do and since I can't have anymore kids we decided it's best to look into a hysterectomy. Now I need to find an OBGYN to follow through.

The surgeon also wants to do a colonoscopy because he thinks I have either Crohn's or Ulcerative Colitis based on some other symptoms I've been having. He feels that it's more important to address the endometriosis first because of what it's affecting.

What I'm positive of is that my pain is getting worse as the weeks and days pass and that I can't handle it anymore. I'm currently taking Norco and 1,000 mg Naproxin twice a day as well as using essential oils and a heating pad. Some days it does nothing for my pain.

I know that my family needs me but I can't do for them what I normally would because of this pain. I'm not myself. I feel like a failure because I'm not even half my best. I'm not OK. I just want to do whatever I have to to get rid of this pain so I can go back to being the mom and wife they need me to be. I want to be able to get through a day without being in so much pain that I wish I'd just die already because dying would be less painful.

I'm praying that this horrible pain journey will be over, or better soon. 

Grief Journal: What You Should Know

1) What would you like other people to know or do after someone loses a child?

To be perfectly honest the best thing you can do for someone when they lose a child is be there for them. It may be painful for you but I guarantee it's a trillion times painful for them and if you love them, show up.

You don't have to have the right words. In fact what you feel are the right words could very well be the wrong ones. Just hug them or hold their hand. Place your hand on their shoulder as their sobbing.

Little things will mean so much more than you can possibly imagine. Showing up on their doorstep with coffee or food is absolutely huge. During those first few weeks, everything is a blur. You forget everything, including to eat. If your at their house and you see the dishes need to be washed, just do them. Don't ask because they'll always say no. Do a load of laundry for them if it's piled up. It may seem trivial to you but it's extremely helpful.

Remember that after the funeral, they still need you. Just because they laid their child to rest doesn't mean they laid their pain to rest. They still need you to stop by and text them weeks after. Months after. 

Within a week or two after my sons memorial people stopped showing up or calling. After two months it felt like everyone forgot. At 3 months into this journey, I became so depressed  that I couldn't get out of bed. I didn't call or text anyone. No one bothered to check on me. I laid there without any concept of time. I was so engulfed in pain that I was sure my heart would stop at any second. Truthfully I prayed it would. At 6 months I tried to function but failed miserably. I felt completely alone in my grief. This is why I tell people that their loved ones need them long after the funeral. I had a friend who lost a child stand up and tell all our friends and family this very thing but they failed to follow through. 

The holidays are so hard on someone whose lost a child. They feel it even more because these are times for family. The birthday and day of loss are two big ones as well. Call them. Check on them. Let them know you remembered and your thinking of their angel as well. It means more than you'll ever imagine. 

Click here to view the complete list of journal prompts.

Journal Prompts for Bereaved Parents

As a parents whose lost a child I know how hard it can be to work through that grief and that pain. When my son Liam was born very sick in 2011, I needed an outlet and a way to remember the ups and downs on NICU and the CDH journey. I found writing in a journal or even blogging helped me better than anything else. You can be completely honest in your journal without fear of judgment. Sometimes all I needed was to write down all my fears and worries to work past them. So why would my grief be any different? I decided to start actively working through my grief through journaling and wanted to share these prompts with you. My hope is that they help us all in some way.

To see my answers click the "Click here" after each journal prompt.

1) What would you like  other people to know or do after someone loses a child?    Click here

2) Describe a time you told someone (who didn't already know) about your loss.     Click here

3) What has been confusing during your grief?    Click here

4) What has been surprising during your grief?    Click here

5) What have you been thankful for during your grief?    Click here

6) How did you choose your child's name?    Click here

7) What do you now find difficult to do that you didn't before you lost a child?     Click here

8) If I could tell my child something, I would say...    Click here

9)Some well-meaning but hurtful things people have said or done are...    Click here

10) What are some secondary loses to the loss of your child.    Click here

11) Try writing your child's story in 100 words or less.   Click here

12) What quote or scripture has been meaningful or comforting? Why?   Click here

13) Write a bucket list.  Click here

14) Plan something in honor of your child on a day that means something.  Click here

15) Write a letter to your child. Click here

16) Write an acrostic poem using your child's name.    Click here

17) Make a list of goals for yourself that you hope to accomplish by a year form now or what you would like to be different in a year.  Click here

18) Create a word cloud, print it or paste it in your paper journal or on your blog. You can use Wordle or Tagxedo.  Click here

19) What have you learnt about yourself through the loss of your child? Click here

20) How do you feel different than you did before you lost your child? Click here

21) Have your priorities changed since you lost your child? Click here

22) Pick a common well-meaning quote someone has said to you. Do you believe that it's true? Why or why not?  Click here

23) What do you do when you feel like you're the only one grieving?   Click here

24) Has your faith changed?  Click here

25) What are the ways of grieving you feel society expects of you because you are a man or woman? Do you break these "rules"?

26) Which ways of grieving seem to bring you and your partner closer? Further apart?

27) What is one of your favorite memories from your child's life, even if they only lived in the womb?

28) What would you like your friends and family to do to honor and remember your child?

29) Is there anything that happens or anything you do that makes you feel most connected to your child?

30) What song has been meaningful or comforting? Why?

31) Write a list of words that describe your child.

32) If you could keep only one memory of your child, what would it be?

33) When you're having a particularly hard day, week, etc, what do you wish others would understand?

34) What are the questions people asked that you appreciate them asking?

35) How have your relationships changed since you lost your child?

36) Do you have any new fears or worries since you lost your child?

37) How has your response to grief been different from those closest to you?

38) What emotion has been the most overwhelming through your grief?

39) What unanswered questions, if any do you have?

40) What things are you still able to find joy in?

41) "Grief ambushes" are times when you experience a flood of emotion at an unexpected time. Describe some of the grief ambushes you have experienced.

42) Do you think your grief will ever end? Why.why not?

43) Although the bible shares specific details about heaven, our human understanding is limited. What do you wish you knew about heaven?

44) Identify your own ideas about how you as a man or woman are supposed to "handle" your grief. Are you following these ideas?

45) No one can imagine what it's like to lose a child until they have actually experienced it. Has anything about your grief journey been different than you imagined it would be?

46) Are you doing anything unhealthy in response to grief or are you tempted to?

47) If death is a natural process of life, why do you think so many people act uncomfortable talking about it and various aspects of grief?

48) Identify the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs you have right now.

49) Has anyone said anything that made you feel they were trying to rush you through  your grief?

50) How can you use your grief journey to help others?

51) Is anger about the loss of your child a good or bad thing?

52) How has grief impacted you physically?

53) Name a flower than reminds you of your child.

Mourning the Loss of a Future

When you're a mother you have children and you love them. That's the definition of a mother. But what about a mother who is child-less? In 2007 when I miscarried my twins, that's exactly what I felt. A mother without children to hold and love. The one constant I knew growing up without a doubt was that I was going to be a mother. I wanted to be a mother.

Might sound crazy but by the time I was 10 I knew I was going to be a mother and have two kids. I felt that two was a good number. Two was responsible. I refused to have more than I could care for because that would be unfair to them. I didn't want them to live a life where their own mother walked away from them as what happened to me.

Miscarrying my twins devastated me. The day I lost the second one, I became a mother without a child to hold. I thought that was the worst thing that could ever happen to me. Until the day I lost my son. The day his heart stopped, part of mine stopped too. Not only was I a mom who lost two babies before I could hold them in my arms, but I became a mom who cared for, held and loved my 4 year old son beyond measure and had to watch him die in front of me. I once again grieved for my loss. My mother's heart shattered.

When I gave birth to Liam via csection, I also had a tubaligation. After all it was a smart decision. I had my two kids and birth control had failed in the past. I had also suffered a uterine rupture while pregnant with Liam so it became too dangerous to have anymore. It was a decision I felt comfortable in, a decision I felt was right. Then a few years later I was overcome with the want to have another child. I knew I couldn't so I fought past it. After Liam past, we discussed the possibility of reversing the tubal. Of course it was too dangerous but a part of me wished it was possible. Or wished that I would fall into that 1% category where the tubal would fail.

Now I'm being faced with a new struggle. The doctors thing I have endometriosis and that it's causing some other health issues. It's looking like a hysterectomy is in my near future and I'm left to come to terms with this. With the fact that I will never be able to have another child of my  own. I'm left grieving the loss of a possible future child even if it was only a 1% chance. That's a hard one to come to terms with.

Yes I have my daughter but she doesn't take the place of any of the children I have lost or of any possible children. You also can't tell me that this is part of God's plan. I refuse to believe that God would take away my babies, my son. I refuse to believe that God would make me sick. This was not God. It's the exact opposite. It's an attack to shake my faith. So don't tell me that this is all part of God's plan. Even through my struggles I know that I am not alone. God is here with me. He will not abandon me.