Grief Journal: Faith

24) Has your faith changed?

Right after my son passed I away, I was really confused. I struggled with my faith. I questioned everything. As I worked through my grief my faith became stronger. Because God sent his only son to die on the cross for us, I will be reunited with my son in heaven. If God loved us that much, then there is no way he would just take my son from me and cause me so much pain.

Now life is about trying to stay on the path that God wants me on and surviving every day that comes my way until I reunite with my son in heaven. I will miss him every second of every day, but I still have a life to live and God's plan to follow. Having faith doesn't make this an easy journey but it reminds me that I'm not alone. It reminds that even though it's hard right now, it won't always be that way.


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Grief Journal: The Only One

23) What do you do when you feel like you're the only one grieving?

More often than not, I feel like I am the only one grieving the loss of my son Liam. I also know for a fact that I am the ONLY one grieving the loss of the twins my first pregnancy. A lot of people just sweep the fact that you miscarried under the rug like it's something you should be ashamed of. Something your not allowed to talk about. A lot of people believe that it wasn't even a life when you miscarry in the early stages. I think about my twins all the time like I think of Liam. What would they look like?, how hard would it have been to care for two babies at the same time and so on.

For my 3 babies in heaven (Liam and the twins), I have this handle holder thats 3 kids holding hands as if to be playing ring around the rosie, around a candle. I've imagined the 3 of them in heaven doing so so many times. For Liam I have his urn, shelf set up and a candle with his picture on it.

But when I feel alone in my grief, I keep to myself. I write in a journal or blog. I look through his pictures and videos. I cry a lot. I even buy little things when I find them that remind me of him for his shelf.

There's no exact science to what I do when I feel alone. I've also been known to reach out to those that loved him just to try to not feel alone. And when all else fails, I do something for myself. I buy a new Rae Dunn piece, or letter board. I treat myself to something sugary even though it'll make me sick. I color and draw. And my favorite is cuddling with my cat.

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Grief Journal: Common Quotes

22) Pick a common well-meaning quote someone has said to you. Do you believe that it's true? Why or why not?

"At least you can have another child"

JUST NO! There is so much wrong with this saying. Yea the person saying means well. They're not out to crush  your heart (at least I hope not) but it still does. For me I actually can't have anymore children. I had my tubes tied when I had Liam and suffered a uterine rupture while pregnant with him. To get pregnant again it would be high risk to that baby and to me. Also what are you thinking when you say this? Surely your not thinking having another baby would replace the child I lost right? Because that's impossible. Even if I had another baby, Liam would still be gone and I'd still miss him and my heart would still be missing a piece. There is NO getting over the loss of your child. There is only learning to live each day without them until you see them again in Heaven.

I know from first hand experience that having another child after losing one does not take the place of the one you lost. My first pregnancy I was pregnant with twins. I didn't even know I was pregnant until I miscarried one of them one night after a long walk. I immediately got in to see a doctor to find that I was still pregnant with the remaining baby. They said it happens. I cried my eyes out. Yes I was finally  going to get to be a mom, but one of my babies would always be gone. 3 weeks later I miscarried the second twin. There was no reason for it, it just happened. 2 months later I became pregnant with my daughter Lanie and delivered a happy healthy baby girl. Shes 10 1/2 now. The twins would be 11 years old now. 12 in November/December.

Lanie has been such a great kid. I miss those late night bottle feeds as I rocked her and sung her back to sleep but she never took the place of the babies I lost because she was her own self. As a mom who has lost children, I always think of them. Holidays and special occasions are the worst because I know I should be wrangling up 4 kiddos and not just the 1. I am a mom of four. No other child can take the place of the ones I lost.

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Grief Journal: Priorities

21) Have your priorities changed since you lost your child?

Before Liam passed away my main goal was to keep him as healthy as possible. That was  my top priority. My second was to give him as normal a life as possible. It was extremely important that despite his many medical issues, that he be a normal boy and experience normal things.

Playing in the mud.
Going to races.
Going to school.
Having birthday parties.

(October 2015 Pumpkin Decorating)

Those are just to name a few. I didn't want him to feel any different than any other boy his age. I also wanted him to not be ashamed of his differences like:

His feeding tube (which he enjoyed showing EVERYONE).
His nasal cannula and oxygen (the kids at school said he was cool like an astronaut).
His frequent meds and breathing treatments.....
and more.

(November 2015 After having to go to school with his oxygen)

I would say that I succeeded greatly. Or that WE (my husband, daughter and I) succeeded greatly because it really was a team effort.

(2014)

However almost every minute of every day was planned out and busy. Even "free time". His schedule always came first. It was always TOP priority. His health was always TOP priority. We'd drop whatever we had to at a moments notice to rush to Valley Children's ER. Bags stayed packed with what I donned our hospital gear. Everything was meticulously planned out and there was always a back up plan.

When Liam passed I became lost. Even to this day 2 1/2 years later, I can look at the clock and tell you what I'd be doing if Liam were alive. Since his passing all our priorities changed. Yea we knew we could lose him in the blink of an eye because of what we went through in NICU and his first two years. As the years went by it became less and less likely though that it would happen. Then it did. We got a quick lesson in how quickly our lives could be over and one of us could be gone. That changed a lot of things for us, including our priorities.

Our main priority now is to give our daughter a better life. To enjoy life more than we did before and experiencing things we couldn't do because of Liam's health. We started kayaking as a part of this new outlook on life. I can tell you with almost perfect certanty that if Liam were here, we probably never would have even tried kayaking because it would have compromised his health and well being, plus my sanity because to have MY crazy wild little boy on a kayak would drive me to insanity with worry.

(August 2017 Justin, Lanie and I relaxing on the kayaks)

We try to work to enjoy life more versus work to pay bills only. I can say our lives did a complete 360. To be honest that's the only major priority.

Now I would trade it all back for my son in a hot second if I could.

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Grief Journal: What Have Your Learnt?

19) What have you learnt about yourself through the loss of your child?

Close your eyes and envision your babies. Feel the love you have for them overfill your soul. Now imagine losing one. Having to bury one. Imagine the pain, the heartbreak, even your soul shattering. Now know that the actual pain of losing a child is 10 thousand times worse than that. They say that you can actually die of broken heart syndrome, something that happens when you loose a loved one.

I learnt that you can live and breathe despite the pain of losing your child. It's difficult to say the least but it is possible. I learnt that you can still have a life. No it's not the life you imagined with your baby, but you can still live and even be happy. 


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Grief Journal: Word Cloud

18) Create a word cloud, print it or paste it in your paper journal or on your blog. You can use Wordle or Tagxedo.

I used wordclouds.com

 

 

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Grief Journal: Goals

17) Make a list of goals for yourself that you hope to accomplish by a year form now or what you would like to be different in a year.


*Move
*Spend time on an old hobby
*Buy something for myself that I don't need but want anyway
*Start walking every day
*Find a new job


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Grief Journal: Acrostic Poem

16) Write an acrostic poem using your child's name.

Loving 

Imaginative 

Amazing

Miracle

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Grief Journal: Letter to Liam

15) Write a letter to your child...


Dear Liam,
I miss your smile. I miss your laugh. I miss our cuddles and watching crazy animal videos with you. I miss reading "I love you Stinky Face" to you every night and "arguing" about which one of us is stinky face.

I miss how you use to climb on the back of the couch and lay there like the cats. How  you use to hang upside down from it and laugh. I miss how you use to stick your feet in my face and tell me to smell them and then laugh when I said your feet were stinky even when they weren't.

I miss singing the night night song to you. Lanie hasn't let me sing it to her since you passed. I miss watching you and Lanie play and laugh. She misses you too. It hurts her so much. Everyone misses you.

I will always love you. I can't stop. I don't want to stop. It's been 2 years sweet boy. 2 Years since I held you. 2 years and I haven't stopped grieving. I haven't come to terms with your passing. Maybe it's because I feel guilty like I shouldn't stop. But I need to find a better way to balance this grief and this life because I have to continue living.

When my time goes and I get to Heaven, I hope that you'll be waiting at the gates for me. I hope that you won't be mad I chose to see this life to the end and try to make a small difference in this world. I love you sweet boy and I will always love you. If I could change things, I would. I would have you here with me in an instant if it were possible but I have to come to terms that your gone. The only hope I have is that I will see you again. I love you sweet boy, always and forever.

3> mommy

(taken and edited October 2011)

Grief Journal: Plan Something

14) Plan something in honor of your child on a day that means something.

There are so many dates that hold unmeasurable amounts of meaning. 

Liam's birthday 7/14/2011: I spend the day every year surrounded by those that loved him and love us. 

7/21/2011: The day Liam had his repair surgery. Also my birthday. Having him survive the surgery was the best present I ever received. It meant he would have a chance at a life. It looks like I'm celebrating my birthday every year but in reality I'm celebrating that day.

12/15/2015: The day our sweet boy passed away. Last December was 2 years. Every year I just try to survive the day. 

March 25th-31st: CDH awareness week. Since 2012 I've been organizing picnics and balloon releases. Last year was the first year that I didn't do so. This year I'm unsure if we will be doing anything. 

Christmas Toy Drive: since 2012 I've been organizing toy drives to benefit Valley Children's hospital. I gathers items then deliver them right before Christmas. This year I'm revamping the drive and choosing 1 type of item to donate in hopes that we can be more successful for the 2018 year.

Grief Journal: Bucket List

13) Write a bucket list.

To write a bucket list would be to look into the future and that's been the hardest thing for me because the future doesn't have my son. There were a million things I wanted to do before I lost my son. Now trying to think of things is difficult. As I sat here writing my bucket list, I cried. And I laughed at some.

I want to see the non profit I co-founded, Sent from Heaven, grow and develop chapters all over the US.

I want to see the day SfH reaches 500 baskets handed to families who have lost their babies.

I want to be able to hug a grieving mother and tell her it'll be ok. That it hurts now, and will always hurt to some extent, but that life is still worth living. And I want to mean it with every fiber of my being.

I want a fresh start. A new home. As hard as it'll be to move to a house my son never lived. I know that he will forever live in my heart and always be with me no matter where I move. In order to pick up all the pieces of my life and start building a new one I know that I have to move. These walls are closing in on me. I still see Liam running through the house. I hear his laugh echo off the walls. I need a new beginning.

I want to get my depression, anxiety and PTSD under control. I want to be healthy and pain free.

I want to rediscover all the things that I once loved. I want to find a passion again. I want to find my happy.

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Grief Journal: Meaningful Quote

12) What quote or scripture has been meaningful or comforting? Why?

Even in my darkest hour I know God never left me. If  he had, all hope would have been lost and hope was never lost. He is the only reason I've been able to find the strength to carry on and when I don't have the strength he carries me. 



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Grief Journal: Liam's Story

11) Tell your child story in 100 words or less.

Liam was born with CDH but he was a fighter. He never let his diagnosis define him. He was a very happy little boy who loved life more than anything. His passing was sudden and shattered us. He will forever live in our hearts. I will never forget his smile or his laugh.

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Grief Journal: Secondary Losses

10) What are some secondary losses to the loss of your child?

When we lost Liam we lost an entire future. Christmases, Birthdays, watching him grow. We don't get to watch him graduate high school or college. We don't get to see him fall in love and get married. We don't get to spoil his children because he doesn't get to have any.

 I lost being a stay at home mom. I loved being able to spend all my time with my kids. Yes Liam's medical issues were extremely time consuming and mentally exhausting, but it was worth it. He was worth it. He was my reason and when we passed away I lost myself. Two years later and I'm still trying to figure out who I am. Now days I'm just trying to keep busy, keep my mind occupied so I don't go crazy.

Even then I question my own sanity. I feel as if I'm losing it. I remember him running through the house laughing and using my couch as a slide. Just today I was cleaning out the cabinet above the oven and found the very baby bottle I filled with water for him the day I rushed him to Urgent Care to try to get fluids in him. The day he passed away. I was immediately engulfed in a flash back. I was right back there. It feels like it just happened. So not only do I feel like I'm losing my sanity but like I'm losing my future. I don't know what I want out of life anymore or what I want to do with it. I feel stuck. I'm a mom with no baby to hold in her arms.

When I was pregnant with Liam I suffered a uterine rupture. Because of this it's too dangerous for me to be pregnant again. Because I lost my baby, and I'm a mom without a baby now, I'm now mourning the inability to have another. If I could turn back time I would find a way to save my son. If I could turn back time I would change my decision to have my tubes tied. I can't so I'm just stuck.



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Grief Journal: Hurtful Words

9) Some well-meaning but hurtful things people have said or done are....

"It's part of God's plan"

No. No it's not. God is not vengeful. He sees all and knows all and weighs the options before choosing the right path. Yes he could have saved Liam but what would have been the price? Would that outcome have been worse? Only God knows. My child was not taken by God. 

"At least you can have another"

For starters one child does not and can not replace another. Lanie did not replace the twins I miscarried. No other child can replace my Liam. Second, no I cannot have any more children. I suffered a uterine rupture during my pregnancy with Liam so it's too dangerous to try. My tubes are tied and I'm facing a hysterectomy due to health issues.

"You need to move on"

Imagine your life without one of your children. Can you? Can you imagine how you'd feel if one of your kids died? The heart ache that would follow? There is no moving on from losing a child. There is only trying to live each day with a whole in  your heart. 

"You lost a kid? Yea I know how that feels. I lost my grandpa (dad, mom or substitute anything here)"

I too have lost a grandparent and a parent. It's NOTHING and I mean NOTHING like losing a child. Your child. 

"At least you have your daughter"

Again one child does NOT EVER replace another. EVER.

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Grief Journal: The Things I'd Like To Say

8) If I Could Tell My Child Something I Would Say...

You were perfect.

I love you more than I have or will love anyone.

I needed you more than I needed air.

I miss you more anyone could possibly miss someone.

I wish you were here.

I miss our lunch dates.

I miss listening to you talk.

Your smiles and your laughter kept me going.

Every second with you was worth it.

I'd do it all over again to have you.

If I could have saved you,

I would have.

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Grief Journal: Difficult

7) What do you find difficult that you didn't before you lost your child?


I find it difficult to hear another child have the same name as mine. Every time I hear it my brain automatically thinks of my son. Then there's a slight delay as my brain catches up and pushes through the confusion.

Holidays, birthday's, special occasions are extremely hard. We're coming up on the second angelversary and third Christmas without Liam and this year is harder than the others.

Three years ago today Liam was cuddled on my lap watching the Thanksgiving day parade but scared of the loud noises.

Two years ago today Liam and Lanie were making salt dough ornaments to hang on the tree.

One year ago we were navigating our first thanksgiving without Liam.

Today we are skipping the Christmas parade and feeling depressed. None of us even care if we put lights up outside. None of us feel like celebrating without our little lamb.

This is child loss. This is CDH. This is pulmonary embolism.

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Grief Journal: It's All In The Name

6) How did you choose your child's name?

Choosing Liam's name was harder than I imagined. When I was pregnant with Lanie we had choosen the name Landon if she were to be a boy. I just thought we'd use that name. Liam wasn't a Landon though. It took way longer to come up with his name than it did Lanie's. We were watching a Liam Nesson movie and decided then that our baby boy was a Liam. It was fitting too, to name him after an actor since Lanie was named after a movie character.

Liam is an Irish boys name meaning strong willed warrior. That he was. He came out fighting for his life and never stopped. If it wasn't for that sudden pulmonary embolism then he would still be here with us, fighting. Even though he had a fighters spirit he shouldn't of had to fight for every breathe he took.

His nickname was Little Lamb. When he was a tiny baby during one of our hospital stays, one of the nurses thought she heard me call him Lamb instead of Liam. She thought it was adorable and so did I. It ended up just sticking. Liam was God sent to us. He brought us closer to God. He is one of God's lambs. In his death he has brought me even closer to God, making my faith stronger.

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Grief Journal: Thanful

5) What have you been thankful for during your grief?

Finding something to be thankful for is hard. Almost two years later and I'm still struggling to tread water. The things that come to mind wouldn't be what most would probably think of but grief is different for everyone and there is no normal.

I'm thankful for my cats. Jack is my therapy cat in every sense of the word. He can feel my anxiety and my pain (maybe even my PTSD/depression flare ups) because every time I have a bad day, he's right there in my arms. And Ozzy, our 20 pound Maine Coon, is always making me laugh. He doesn't like cuddles but on my bad days he will day on my feet.

Jack

Ozzy

I am thankful for my daughter Lanie. Most days it seems that she's the only reason I get out of bed. She's beautiful and smart and has such a loving heart.

Lanie and Me.

I'm thankful for my soft turquoise blanket that I like to caccoon my self in when I'm not feeling well. And for my heating pad.

I am thankful for the family and friends that have stood by me during this journey of life after loss. It hasn't been easy. I am also thankful God gave me an outlet and a way to help others through Sent from Heaven.




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Grief Journal: Surprising

4) What has been surprising during your grief?

When my son passed away, it was soul shattering blow. The entire first year it was like there was veil shrouding the pain. Numb but not completely. I wasn't prepared for the pain  that would hit for the second year without him. The veil had lifted and there was nothing left to cushion the blow of another set of holidays and special moments without my sweet boy.

Now we're approaching the second angelversary of my sweet boy and the 3rd year without him. The depression seems to have set in sooner than it did last year. It feels deeper and darker. I find myself not doing things I would normally do. I've stayed home instead of attending get together's. Even one on ones I've canceled. I don't want to be around anyone. Not even  my family. I seclude myself. The pain keeps getting worse.

The most surprising thing during my grief has been that the pain keeps getting worse. That my heart is still beating despite the amount of pain I'm in. They say that you can die from heartbreak. They also say that time heals all wounds but that's a complete and utter lie. And despite being surrounded by family and friends, I feel all alone.


Click here to view the entire list of journal prompts for bereaved parents.