Grief Journal: Faith

24) Has your faith changed?

Right after my son passed I away, I was really confused. I struggled with my faith. I questioned everything. As I worked through my grief my faith became stronger. Because God sent his only son to die on the cross for us, I will be reunited with my son in heaven. If God loved us that much, then there is no way he would just take my son from me and cause me so much pain.

Now life is about trying to stay on the path that God wants me on and surviving every day that comes my way until I reunite with my son in heaven. I will miss him every second of every day, but I still have a life to live and God's plan to follow. Having faith doesn't make this an easy journey but it reminds me that I'm not alone. It reminds that even though it's hard right now, it won't always be that way.


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Grief Journal: Common Quotes

22) Pick a common well-meaning quote someone has said to you. Do you believe that it's true? Why or why not?

"At least you can have another child"

JUST NO! There is so much wrong with this saying. Yea the person saying means well. They're not out to crush  your heart (at least I hope not) but it still does. For me I actually can't have anymore children. I had my tubes tied when I had Liam and suffered a uterine rupture while pregnant with him. To get pregnant again it would be high risk to that baby and to me. Also what are you thinking when you say this? Surely your not thinking having another baby would replace the child I lost right? Because that's impossible. Even if I had another baby, Liam would still be gone and I'd still miss him and my heart would still be missing a piece. There is NO getting over the loss of your child. There is only learning to live each day without them until you see them again in Heaven.

I know from first hand experience that having another child after losing one does not take the place of the one you lost. My first pregnancy I was pregnant with twins. I didn't even know I was pregnant until I miscarried one of them one night after a long walk. I immediately got in to see a doctor to find that I was still pregnant with the remaining baby. They said it happens. I cried my eyes out. Yes I was finally  going to get to be a mom, but one of my babies would always be gone. 3 weeks later I miscarried the second twin. There was no reason for it, it just happened. 2 months later I became pregnant with my daughter Lanie and delivered a happy healthy baby girl. Shes 10 1/2 now. The twins would be 11 years old now. 12 in November/December.

Lanie has been such a great kid. I miss those late night bottle feeds as I rocked her and sung her back to sleep but she never took the place of the babies I lost because she was her own self. As a mom who has lost children, I always think of them. Holidays and special occasions are the worst because I know I should be wrangling up 4 kiddos and not just the 1. I am a mom of four. No other child can take the place of the ones I lost.

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Big Moves

We did it. We finally moved to our new house. It's been a week of moving everything over and cleaning out the old house, followed by four weeks of trying to settle into the new place. It feels so strange. Like there are two realities and I'm stuck between them, unsure which one is real. It feels like we're meant to be here yet like we don't deserve this.

It's a bigger, better house, on a better side of town with better schools for our daughter. We're waiting for the shoe to drop and for this to be taken from us like everything else that makes us happy. I guess that's how you feel after you've gone through what we have and suffered like we have.

This move was a hard one. We had to do it without our little boy. When a family moves, the whole families goes. They don't leave behind anyone. But the only part of Liam that got to move were his things and his urn. To pack up his corner took a lot of strength. To pick up his urn and transport it to the new house sent me right back to when we picked it up from the funeral home. I started spiraling emotionally. We also had to go through boxes that were in storage and found more of his things that were put away before he passed away. At one point I started crying and had to walk away. There's only so much pain one heart can handle. We shouldn't have to go through our dead child's things to decide what stays and what goes. Then again we shouldn't even have a dead child. I say it that way because I want you to really feel the pain. Or maybe it's just me. Saying he passed away is like trying to soften the blow for people when the word dead is like a slap to the face. It can't be ignored.

I knew moving without Liam would be extremely hard. I just didn't expect it to be so soul breaking. I didn't anticipate having to go through his things or finding stuff stashed away. His shelf was to be set up but his boxed belongings were to be stored in the office closet, as is. That's not at all how it worked out. We've been here three weeks and have so much more unpacking to do.

I know that we have to live but living after the loss is so hard. He should be here enjoying the room to run and exploring. We know that we have to find our way. This move is supposed to help us. I can honestly say that despite the few breakdowns we've all had over Liam, that there's change happening in all of us.

We're still not completely unpacked. Not even halfway. We unpacked enough to "survive" then the unpacking just stopped. For the first time since we first got married, it looks like we're living a minimalistic lifestyle and I gotta say it's actually working for us. Our lives feel less cluttered, physically and emotionally. It's almost like having less stuff is helping us process our own thoughts and feelings.

Our house is staying cleaner. Things aren't just littering every surface or the floor. I'm not constantly having to pick up after everyone. I have more time to focus on the things that make me happy. Only I have no idea what that is anymore and instead of concentrating on whatever that may be, I'm having to concentrate on my health because it's seems to only be getting worse.

Yes I still have Fibromyalgia. Yes it's still a pain in the, everywhere. I know my limits with it, and admittedly I always over do it. About a month ago I was diagnosed with something new. Itersistal Cystitis. A very painful problem with my bladder that has just seemed to get worse this last few months. You know how they say 'when life gives you lemons, make lemon aide?'. Well with IC you don't want to consume anything with lemons in it. It's a good thing Lanie went off to camp this last week so she didn't have to see me absolutely miserable and in bed all week. I spent this week in so much pain and trying new medications and peeing blood. I know TMI but this really is serious and if there's something I do consistently, it's spread awareness.

Speaking of Lanie, shes having an absolute blast at christian camp. She called Tuesday and said she loved it. Sunday she's getting baptized. She's starting her own journey with God and we couldn't be prouder of her.

Grief Journal: Priorities

21) Have your priorities changed since you lost your child?

Before Liam passed away my main goal was to keep him as healthy as possible. That was  my top priority. My second was to give him as normal a life as possible. It was extremely important that despite his many medical issues, that he be a normal boy and experience normal things.

Playing in the mud.
Going to races.
Going to school.
Having birthday parties.

(October 2015 Pumpkin Decorating)

Those are just to name a few. I didn't want him to feel any different than any other boy his age. I also wanted him to not be ashamed of his differences like:

His feeding tube (which he enjoyed showing EVERYONE).
His nasal cannula and oxygen (the kids at school said he was cool like an astronaut).
His frequent meds and breathing treatments.....
and more.

(November 2015 After having to go to school with his oxygen)

I would say that I succeeded greatly. Or that WE (my husband, daughter and I) succeeded greatly because it really was a team effort.

(2014)

However almost every minute of every day was planned out and busy. Even "free time". His schedule always came first. It was always TOP priority. His health was always TOP priority. We'd drop whatever we had to at a moments notice to rush to Valley Children's ER. Bags stayed packed with what I donned our hospital gear. Everything was meticulously planned out and there was always a back up plan.

When Liam passed I became lost. Even to this day 2 1/2 years later, I can look at the clock and tell you what I'd be doing if Liam were alive. Since his passing all our priorities changed. Yea we knew we could lose him in the blink of an eye because of what we went through in NICU and his first two years. As the years went by it became less and less likely though that it would happen. Then it did. We got a quick lesson in how quickly our lives could be over and one of us could be gone. That changed a lot of things for us, including our priorities.

Our main priority now is to give our daughter a better life. To enjoy life more than we did before and experiencing things we couldn't do because of Liam's health. We started kayaking as a part of this new outlook on life. I can tell you with almost perfect certanty that if Liam were here, we probably never would have even tried kayaking because it would have compromised his health and well being, plus my sanity because to have MY crazy wild little boy on a kayak would drive me to insanity with worry.

(August 2017 Justin, Lanie and I relaxing on the kayaks)

We try to work to enjoy life more versus work to pay bills only. I can say our lives did a complete 360. To be honest that's the only major priority.

Now I would trade it all back for my son in a hot second if I could.

Click Here for the entire list of journal prompts.

Grief Journal: What Have Your Learnt?

19) What have you learnt about yourself through the loss of your child?

Close your eyes and envision your babies. Feel the love you have for them overfill your soul. Now imagine losing one. Having to bury one. Imagine the pain, the heartbreak, even your soul shattering. Now know that the actual pain of losing a child is 10 thousand times worse than that. They say that you can actually die of broken heart syndrome, something that happens when you loose a loved one.

I learnt that you can live and breathe despite the pain of losing your child. It's difficult to say the least but it is possible. I learnt that you can still have a life. No it's not the life you imagined with your baby, but you can still live and even be happy. 


Click Here for the entire list of journal prompts.

Grief Journal: Word Cloud

18) Create a word cloud, print it or paste it in your paper journal or on your blog. You can use Wordle or Tagxedo.

I used wordclouds.com

 

 

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Grief Journal: Goals

17) Make a list of goals for yourself that you hope to accomplish by a year form now or what you would like to be different in a year.


*Move
*Spend time on an old hobby
*Buy something for myself that I don't need but want anyway
*Start walking every day
*Find a new job


For the entire list of journal prompts click here

Grief Journal: Acrostic Poem

16) Write an acrostic poem using your child's name.

Loving 

Imaginative 

Amazing

Miracle

Click here for the entire list of journal prompts.

Grief Journal: Letter to Liam

15) Write a letter to your child...


Dear Liam,
I miss your smile. I miss your laugh. I miss our cuddles and watching crazy animal videos with you. I miss reading "I love you Stinky Face" to you every night and "arguing" about which one of us is stinky face.

I miss how you use to climb on the back of the couch and lay there like the cats. How  you use to hang upside down from it and laugh. I miss how you use to stick your feet in my face and tell me to smell them and then laugh when I said your feet were stinky even when they weren't.

I miss singing the night night song to you. Lanie hasn't let me sing it to her since you passed. I miss watching you and Lanie play and laugh. She misses you too. It hurts her so much. Everyone misses you.

I will always love you. I can't stop. I don't want to stop. It's been 2 years sweet boy. 2 Years since I held you. 2 years and I haven't stopped grieving. I haven't come to terms with your passing. Maybe it's because I feel guilty like I shouldn't stop. But I need to find a better way to balance this grief and this life because I have to continue living.

When my time goes and I get to Heaven, I hope that you'll be waiting at the gates for me. I hope that you won't be mad I chose to see this life to the end and try to make a small difference in this world. I love you sweet boy and I will always love you. If I could change things, I would. I would have you here with me in an instant if it were possible but I have to come to terms that your gone. The only hope I have is that I will see you again. I love you sweet boy, always and forever.

3> mommy

(taken and edited October 2011)

New Chapters

I won't lie, losing Liam took a toll on our marriage. It's an every day battle to not become just another divorce statistic. But it's worth it. Last weekend we took a spontaneous trip to Morro Bay, just the two of us. It was relaxing and so beautiful.

Saturday morning we ate breakfast at the Blue Sky Bistro. They're vegi scramble and biscuits and gravy were amazing.

It was really cold so we kept having to go back to the hotel warm to stand next to the heater. Even so we got a lot of walking in. We walked through the thrift stores searching for items to decorate our new home when we move. Then we walked to the Lil' Hut for lunch. Justin loves their clam chowder bread bowls. This time I decided to try their fish and chips. They were pretty good.

The sunset was beautiful Saturday night. It was the first time we'd ever got to see it set on the left side of the rock. Usually we're there during summer when the sun sets on the right.

This picture makes it look like there's an angel in the sky. 

We're ready for a fresh start. A new chapter to start. 

Grief Journal: Bucket List

13) Write a bucket list.

To write a bucket list would be to look into the future and that's been the hardest thing for me because the future doesn't have my son. There were a million things I wanted to do before I lost my son. Now trying to think of things is difficult. As I sat here writing my bucket list, I cried. And I laughed at some.

I want to see the non profit I co-founded, Sent from Heaven, grow and develop chapters all over the US.

I want to see the day SfH reaches 500 baskets handed to families who have lost their babies.

I want to be able to hug a grieving mother and tell her it'll be ok. That it hurts now, and will always hurt to some extent, but that life is still worth living. And I want to mean it with every fiber of my being.

I want a fresh start. A new home. As hard as it'll be to move to a house my son never lived. I know that he will forever live in my heart and always be with me no matter where I move. In order to pick up all the pieces of my life and start building a new one I know that I have to move. These walls are closing in on me. I still see Liam running through the house. I hear his laugh echo off the walls. I need a new beginning.

I want to get my depression, anxiety and PTSD under control. I want to be healthy and pain free.

I want to rediscover all the things that I once loved. I want to find a passion again. I want to find my happy.

Click here for the entire list of Journal prompts.

Grief Journal: Hurtful Words

9) Some well-meaning but hurtful things people have said or done are....

"It's part of God's plan"

No. No it's not. God is not vengeful. He sees all and knows all and weighs the options before choosing the right path. Yes he could have saved Liam but what would have been the price? Would that outcome have been worse? Only God knows. My child was not taken by God. 

"At least you can have another"

For starters one child does not and can not replace another. Lanie did not replace the twins I miscarried. No other child can replace my Liam. Second, no I cannot have any more children. I suffered a uterine rupture during my pregnancy with Liam so it's too dangerous to try. My tubes are tied and I'm facing a hysterectomy due to health issues.

"You need to move on"

Imagine your life without one of your children. Can you? Can you imagine how you'd feel if one of your kids died? The heart ache that would follow? There is no moving on from losing a child. There is only trying to live each day with a whole in  your heart. 

"You lost a kid? Yea I know how that feels. I lost my grandpa (dad, mom or substitute anything here)"

I too have lost a grandparent and a parent. It's NOTHING and I mean NOTHING like losing a child. Your child. 

"At least you have your daughter"

Again one child does NOT EVER replace another. EVER.

Click here for the entire list of journal prompts.

Grief Journal: The Things I'd Like To Say

8) If I Could Tell My Child Something I Would Say...

You were perfect.

I love you more than I have or will love anyone.

I needed you more than I needed air.

I miss you more anyone could possibly miss someone.

I wish you were here.

I miss our lunch dates.

I miss listening to you talk.

Your smiles and your laughter kept me going.

Every second with you was worth it.

I'd do it all over again to have you.

If I could have saved you,

I would have.

Click here for the entire list of journal prompts.

Grief Journal: Thanful

5) What have you been thankful for during your grief?

Finding something to be thankful for is hard. Almost two years later and I'm still struggling to tread water. The things that come to mind wouldn't be what most would probably think of but grief is different for everyone and there is no normal.

I'm thankful for my cats. Jack is my therapy cat in every sense of the word. He can feel my anxiety and my pain (maybe even my PTSD/depression flare ups) because every time I have a bad day, he's right there in my arms. And Ozzy, our 20 pound Maine Coon, is always making me laugh. He doesn't like cuddles but on my bad days he will day on my feet.

Jack

Ozzy

I am thankful for my daughter Lanie. Most days it seems that she's the only reason I get out of bed. She's beautiful and smart and has such a loving heart.

Lanie and Me.

I'm thankful for my soft turquoise blanket that I like to caccoon my self in when I'm not feeling well. And for my heating pad.

I am thankful for the family and friends that have stood by me during this journey of life after loss. It hasn't been easy. I am also thankful God gave me an outlet and a way to help others through Sent from Heaven.




Click here to view the entire list journal prompts for bereaved parents.

Grief Journal: Surprising

4) What has been surprising during your grief?

When my son passed away, it was soul shattering blow. The entire first year it was like there was veil shrouding the pain. Numb but not completely. I wasn't prepared for the pain  that would hit for the second year without him. The veil had lifted and there was nothing left to cushion the blow of another set of holidays and special moments without my sweet boy.

Now we're approaching the second angelversary of my sweet boy and the 3rd year without him. The depression seems to have set in sooner than it did last year. It feels deeper and darker. I find myself not doing things I would normally do. I've stayed home instead of attending get together's. Even one on ones I've canceled. I don't want to be around anyone. Not even  my family. I seclude myself. The pain keeps getting worse.

The most surprising thing during my grief has been that the pain keeps getting worse. That my heart is still beating despite the amount of pain I'm in. They say that you can die from heartbreak. They also say that time heals all wounds but that's a complete and utter lie. And despite being surrounded by family and friends, I feel all alone.


Click here to view the entire list of journal prompts for bereaved parents.

God Provides

You know how God always provides? Somehow we always find out way out of the sink hole that the bills cause. Last week I was freaking out over our electric bill that was due and wasn't eligible for an extension (yea not having my paycheck all summer sucks! And only having half a check in August didn't help.) I missed a special charity dinner that I had planned for a month on going too. It was for a friends mom who lost everything including her beloved dog to a house fire. I made things for them to auction off at the dinner to raise money and I helped them put things together. I really was looking forward to seeing how it turned out for her. At last minute I just couldn't go.

I was scrambling around the house trying to figure out how I was going to pay that bill when my husband reminded me of all the change we had saved. You see, he doesn't like change at all. Thinks everything should be an even dollar amount. The change ended up going into a jar and untouched. I turned in the change and we ended up having enough to pay said bill. 

The situation, all though stressful, reminded that God always provides. I know your thinking that no the saved up change was our doing but I don't choose to view it that way. I kept thinking through that whole ordeal and really all month long that if only I didn't have to wait until the end of this month to get paid for the extra work I did last month. We could have really used it. Yet besides being short pay, we still managed to get the bills paid, go to the fair, and replace my car battery that was dying. I feel pretty blessed.

Wednesday I had my one year evaluation for my job. This evaluation would say whether or not they would keep me as a permanent employee or let me go. Me always being the nervous person was well nervous. I walk in and not only did I get really good marks and kept as a permanent employee but I was also put on the list to take this test so that I could advance. I had said over and over again that I didn't want to be in food service, even with the school. That this was only temporary. It seems though God has other plans. I keep getting shoved into situations where I'm preparing and serving food. I'm not complaining. God provided me with a job that I needed. One that I could handle even with my anxiety and other health issues. 

This made me think about what else God has provided for me. 

-A affordable house. Even if I think it's too small sometimes, in all honestly what more do we need?

-We have 3 running vehicles. 

-Jobs for both my husband and I.

And now to touch base on a touchy subject. When Liam was laying there in the ER as the staff worked on him to try and save him, I begged God to heal him. To take away his pain. Many of us prayed this very prayer. God provided Liam what was probably the only way to heal him 100%. That was to take him. Yes at this exact moment I am saying this. I'm not saying that I'm not angry he didn't just heal his body and let me keep my son. I'm not saying I'm not angry that the devil touched our lives to deeply and got away with it. I'm saying that I'm having a moment of clarity where I can see the good for Liam in this. I don't understand it, even a tiny bit. I never will. 

Today after two days of darkness, I can see the light break through the clouds and feel the depression starting to lift. I feel like I'm wading in calm waters, unable to reach dry land but at least the storm isn't raging. After Liam passed away I was in a deep depression. The world seemed dull through my eyes. One day out of nowhere, the colors of the world were so bright they were almost blinding to look at. I was coming out of the depression. Today as I drove home I noticed again that the colors were brighter and the sun is shining brighter. It's all perception. Although my heart is still heavy, at least I'm not drowning. 

21 Months Later

Photo's taken September 18, 2013

I've been trying to concentrate on planning our second annual Halloween party and all the fun things I want to do next month with Buggie. Truth is, it's all just a distraction. A distraction from the fact that, yet again, Liam will not be with us for any of the upcoming holidays. Planning things usually helps me keep my mind off of the sadness but it's hit me like a ton of bricks. I can feel depression grabbing my ankle and trying to pull me under the waters I've been trying so hard to keep my head above. I want to do all the things we weren't able to do when Liam was here because he was always too sick. I want them for my daughter. But I also want to do nothing but stay curled up in bead in sweat pants and hide from the world. Every day is a battle. Some days easier than other days. Still I put a smile on my face and continue on even when I don't feel that smile. It'll be two years in December. People will say things like "you need to move on" or "you need to get over it". What they don't understand is there's no moving on from the loss of a child. You carry it in your heart and in your soul until your reunited. There is no moving on. Losing a child is nothing like breaking up with a crappy boyfriend. You feel the loss of a child every day in everything you do. When your walking through the house and your no longer stepping on hotwheel and trains. When your doing the laundry and there clothes are no longer there to be washed. When your making dinner and there's one less person to feed. When you go somewhere fun like the fair and you and your husband turn to look at each other and say that you feel you've forgotten something but you haven't forgotten a thing. Your just missing a child. I wish I could hold my little lamb and tell him how much I love him. I wish I could smother him in kisses and play cars with him. It never goes away.

❤️💙Liam❤️💙

Child loss awareness month is October. Please help spread awareness. If you have an angel, feel free to share their name so we can pray for the when we light our candles on the 15th for the wave of light.

#childlossawareness #cdhawareness #pulmonaryembolism #littlelamb#alwaysmybaby

When The Fog Has Lifted

The last year since Liam's passing was a fog. A fog of denial, anger and pain. I kept waiting for Liam to walk through the door of his room and say "Morning", or to wake up to find this has all been a nightmare. Every morning I woke up to relive the heartbreak all over again. It's been a vicious cycle.

I did all I could to keep busy so I wouldn't just lay there crying and useless. I did what I had to to survive this past year. Including months spent hiding in bed refusing to face reality, jumping in head first at church, and even returning to the workforce. Each move I made had it's own motives and implications.... to survive.

Losing Liam shattered my soul to the point I wasn't sure I could be put back together again. I was sure even God himself couldn't find all the pieces to make me whole again. All I knew with absolution was that I loved and missed my son, that I needed him still.

When Liam was born, huge changes happened in our lives. I was so broken that I thought there was no coming back. When Liam survived CDH and came home from NICU, I quickly picked up the pieces and went into survival mode. We all went from living to just surviving. For the past 5 1/2 years all we've done is survive. We didn't even realize. Our world became focused on Liam. What was right for Liam. What we had to do to keep him healthy. Even retreating into our own bubble and shutting others out because that's what we had to do to make sure Liam survived. For us to survive, he had to survive.

I didn't know if I would survive this last year without Liam. The pain has been too great. I was for sure I would die of a broken heart long ago. I would say that I don't know how I made it, but as of yesterday, that's no longer true. For years everyone has asked me how I dealt with having a chronically ill child like Liam. I always said I wasn't sure that I just did. Sometimes I would joke and say things like "lots of coffee" or "if Liam could smile through it all then surely I could too". A few times I went as far as to state "it's what any parent would do for their child", despite the fact that I knew that it wasn't true. My mothers wouldn't have taken care of me. As it was, she gave us. If i'd been born like Liam, she would have surely walked out that hospital the first chance she got and never looked back. (And honestly I could care less at this point in my life)

While enduring everything we've gone through, I didn't have the answers, but now it seems clear as day. I was already suffering from depression and PTSD long before Liam was born. His traumatic birth only made my PTSD worse, more complex. My brain shut off certain parts of my brain and went into survival mode. I was constantly on alert and aware of my surroundings. Survival mode is a pervasive sense of fear, stress, and anxiety, it's a overactive response to stress. My muscles have been tense for 5 1/2 years and as a result have not been able to relax, no matter how many muscle relaxers I take. I survived because my brain shut off emotions in intense situations. There were ratification's like flash backs and extreme insomnia. The inability to get motivated or lose weigh and so much more. How I survived his passing, is much how I survived his life. Survival mode.

A few days ago things changed. Something clicked. I realized then that at that moment, the fog of denial was gone. He wasn't going to walk through the door of his bedroom or I wasn't going to wake up from a nightmare. He was gone and that was that. I wrote the following on Sunday:

Somehow, the pain, feels different. Like losing all hope that I would wake up and the last year was a nightmare, has changed things. The the pain is there and it's more raw than ever before, but somehow things are different. As if this it's not just a thought in my head, but something concrete I can touch. Like the denial has been lifted. In accepting that this isn't a nightmare, I think I've inadvertently accepted Liam's passing. Maybe accepted is the wrong word because I'm not ok with it by any means. I just know he's really gone. I won't wake up one morning to see his face smiling at me. It's just real. No more fog of shock, or fog of denial. It's raw pain. It's like a gaping and open wound that has been open for so long you've become so used to the pain that you don't cry constantly but only when the pain gets worse. Like when missing him gets worse (and it still happens a lot). I miss Liam constantly. It's when I'm flooded with emotions of missing him, loving him and memories that I can't hold back the thick tears and the sobbing. I was sitting in my car yesterday at church when I realized this. The post before this was what I wrote on my page yesterday. You can see the second I realized when it all be concrete. What comes next? I have no clue. I'm still lost in my grief, it's just different now.

Today I came to another realization. We've been in survival mode for 5 1/2 years. It's time to start living again. Time to work our way towards living at least. If it doesn't make us happy, we shouldn't do it. If burring our feet in the sand just to feel it between our toes makes us happy, then that's what we should do. If riding scooters, reading pointless books or painting rainbows makes us happy, then that's what we should do. We have to figure out how to enjoy life again, how to really start living and stop living in survival mode.

Posted earlier on my Facebook:

For so long we've been trying to put square pegs in round holes. Meaning we've been trying to make things fit when they just don't and it's time to make changes. Work with he cards we've been dealt and do what works best for us. I'm sad to see certain things change but for years, since Liam's birth, all we've done was survive. Our motto was to do what ever we had to to survive. At the end of he day, that's all that mattered. It's important that we try to do more than just survive now. We need to find a way to live again and that includes doing things that make us happy in the moment. This isn't just some New Years resolution. It has nothing to do with that. When things clicked Sunday and the denial lifted of Liam's passing, with that brought the notion that it was time to start living again, or at least put ourselves on the right path. Trying to live again will help us to heal, something we desperately need.

We won't ever be the same people we were before Liam was born. It's impossible to forget the love we have for him. We have to find who we are now. Together.

Liam holding a string of lights December 2014

Rainbow

.

11 months ago today my world stopped.

I watched my son take his last breath.

I watched my sons heart beat its last beat.

I watched the doctor proclaim time of death with tears in his eyes.

My world was never the same.

On Tuesday December 15th, 2015 I said good bye to my baby boy.

My little lamb.

He was 4 years,

5 months,

and 1 day old.

He fought until he had no fight left in him.

But he was tired.

So very tired and needed rest.

"Mommy I tired, I sweep" he said to me.

I didn't know when I told him it was ok to sleep that it wasn't what he meant.

Part of me feels that he knew.

God was right there in the room.

Guiding the doctors.

Making sure that at the end of the day I would have no doubt they did all they could.

God knew I would be broken.

He knew my soul would shatter.

But he knew I would be put back together.

He saw all outcomes and choose the best for Liam.

He did his best to comfort me.

I went from being in the ER room watching them work,

to being surrounded by loved ones.

God knew what I needed and he gave it to me.

As I type I sit here crying.

Tuesday are not good days.

They've been dreaded since Liam passed on a Tuesday.

This particular Tuesday has been extremely difficult.

It also happens to be the 15th.

The very day Liam went to Heaven.

I spent the day refusing to look at the date.

I kept telling myself that it was Wednesday.

I tried to spend the whole day in denial.

But God had a different plan.

It was made very apparent to me what today was by several people.

Everyone just wanting to make sure I was ok on this particular day.

So then I was forced to face the dreaded fact that today was indeed Tuesday the 15th.

There are certain numbers, days and months that will forever be hard for me.

#4 Liam's age

#15 the day and year he passed away.

Tuesday, the day he passed away.

There's a whole slew of things that will forever effect me.

I could have ignored everyone.

Truth is I tried at first,

but when reminders kept coming,

I knew I had to face it.

Good news is that I survived.

My emotions may be goo right now,

my anxiety and depression on high,

but I survived.

I haven't yet moved on from survival mode to living again,

but there's hope.

Finally hope.

On Sunday evening my friend Amanda and I presented Sent from Heaven to our church.

We started SfH in the wake of our tragedies.

She had had 2 miscarriages in the last year.

I had lost Liam and my first pregnancy of twins.

SfH is such a God thing.

She woke up with this idea for a nonprofit that gives care packages to parents when they lose a child.

This includes miscarriage,

illness,

birth defects,

adoption,

suicide and more.

She then decided to ask me to join her.

There was no hesitation.

I knew the moment I heard what she was doing that I was meant to help.

I needed something to help heal my brokenness and felt lead to this.

So Amanda,

her husband Joseph,

and I went to work.

Last week Amanda and I met with a lawyer about helping us with paperwork.

The meeting didn't go as we had hoped,

but it put us on another path.

Sunday we attended our churches business meeting,

stood in front of everyone present,

and explained what SfH was,

our purpose,

and our hope for  the future.

We asked them if they would accept us as one of their ministries.

This would allow us our nonprofit status and allow us to continue giving families care packages.

We knew going in that this was a HUGE thing to ask of them.

We went in hoping for the best yet expecting to be back to chasing our path.

After many questions and discussion it was time to vote.

Not only did one of our pastors make the motion,

but a couple playfully "fought" over which would second the motion.

We all had a great laugh over it.

Then they voted.

They voted anonymously and approved us.

I was in shock to be honest.

I sat down and was utterly happy yet in utter shock.

On the drive home I cried.

God always promises a rainbow after the storm.

Because I can't have anymore kids I was struggling with the fact that I would never have my rainbow.

As I cried I thanked God.

I suddenly knew that this was my rainbow.

SfH was my rainbow after the storm.

My purpose.

What I belonged doing.

I felt a change in me.

Like being stitched up.

Another piece of me was being mended.

I may have had a horrible day today,

and I struggle with things daily,

but I'm healing.

I'm on the path that God wants me on.

I find that life is better when you stop fighting God and follow his path.

So even though I'm sad and hurting,

there's comfort and love and healing.

I feel so blessed to be able to be a part of something that has already done great helping others,

and will continue to do great things.

I feel blessed and so thankful to be surrounded by so many people who love and support me.

Capture Your Grief Day 5

Day 5: Picture of the sky.

Every morning I wake up at 5:30am.

Every morning I drag myself out of bed and get dressed for work.

Every morning I attempt to drag my daughter out of bed to get ready for school.

The best part of my day, however, is the drive to work.

I leave my house right after the sun starts rising.

The sky is starting to lighten.

The sun just peeking up over the mountains.

It's absolutely beautiful.

Every morning I feel blessed to me able to see this.

I think of how God is watching over us.

How Liam is up there in heaven playing.

The sun rising reminds me of Liam's smile.

How every morning he would wake up and as soon as he saw my face,

his eyes would light up and a smile so huge,

and so bright would spread across his face.

It was my favorite sight every morning.

It was better than that first cup of coffee.

For me,

the sunrise is Liam smiling down on me.

I miss him every day,

in every way.

I miss hearing his feet paddle through the house.

I miss his laugh.

His laugh and his smile were infectious.

You couldn't help but laugh with him.

He made my world a better place.