Grief Journal: Priorities

21) Have your priorities changed since you lost your child?

Before Liam passed away my main goal was to keep him as healthy as possible. That was  my top priority. My second was to give him as normal a life as possible. It was extremely important that despite his many medical issues, that he be a normal boy and experience normal things.

Playing in the mud.
Going to races.
Going to school.
Having birthday parties.

(October 2015 Pumpkin Decorating)

Those are just to name a few. I didn't want him to feel any different than any other boy his age. I also wanted him to not be ashamed of his differences like:

His feeding tube (which he enjoyed showing EVERYONE).
His nasal cannula and oxygen (the kids at school said he was cool like an astronaut).
His frequent meds and breathing treatments.....
and more.

(November 2015 After having to go to school with his oxygen)

I would say that I succeeded greatly. Or that WE (my husband, daughter and I) succeeded greatly because it really was a team effort.

(2014)

However almost every minute of every day was planned out and busy. Even "free time". His schedule always came first. It was always TOP priority. His health was always TOP priority. We'd drop whatever we had to at a moments notice to rush to Valley Children's ER. Bags stayed packed with what I donned our hospital gear. Everything was meticulously planned out and there was always a back up plan.

When Liam passed I became lost. Even to this day 2 1/2 years later, I can look at the clock and tell you what I'd be doing if Liam were alive. Since his passing all our priorities changed. Yea we knew we could lose him in the blink of an eye because of what we went through in NICU and his first two years. As the years went by it became less and less likely though that it would happen. Then it did. We got a quick lesson in how quickly our lives could be over and one of us could be gone. That changed a lot of things for us, including our priorities.

Our main priority now is to give our daughter a better life. To enjoy life more than we did before and experiencing things we couldn't do because of Liam's health. We started kayaking as a part of this new outlook on life. I can tell you with almost perfect certanty that if Liam were here, we probably never would have even tried kayaking because it would have compromised his health and well being, plus my sanity because to have MY crazy wild little boy on a kayak would drive me to insanity with worry.

(August 2017 Justin, Lanie and I relaxing on the kayaks)

We try to work to enjoy life more versus work to pay bills only. I can say our lives did a complete 360. To be honest that's the only major priority.

Now I would trade it all back for my son in a hot second if I could.

Click Here for the entire list of journal prompts.

Breaking Down

9/19/2012 Life through the bars. Liam's 13th hospital stay at just 14 months.

Just when I start to grasp some resemblance of "put together" a video pops up and I lose what little grip I have. Life isn't fair. In fact it sucks. I'm angry and hurt. It's been a rough month. I've tried to hold myself together but the glue just won't hold. Last week my iPad broke. It just turned itself off. After dealing with Apple support, they came to the conclusion that it had a hardware malfunction. I have no warranty because it ended last year so it could cost me $299 to fix it if it's fixable or I have to outright buy a new one which is like $600 for the same one. Stay with me here because I promise I have a point to this ridiculous "my iPad broke" story.

I didn't realize before it broke how much I actually depended on this thing. You see I have really bad anxiety. I have games and books on that thing that help me keep it under control. Sounds stupid I know but if you suffer from anxiety, you know how serious this is. I also HAVE to read every night before bed. There's no, and I mean NO way I can not. If I don't then I can't sleep. Not even kidding here. Since it broke, I've had to result in reading books on my iPhone, which isn't the XL. Hey at least it works.

This iPad though I also use to run my online businesses. I'm an It Works distributor as well as have my own online boutique. All info for both were on said broken iPad. I also manage and post to Liam's Facebook page as well as Shooting for Liam and Sent from Heaven. It's also the only device I used to check all my emails. Basically my whole life was on that thing and now its a pile of junk.

What frustrates me even more though is that fact that all the games I downloaded for Liam are on there. Sure I could re-download them on a different device but all his progress is lost forever. He passed away so it's not like he could just re-do it all. When you lose a kid, you tend to hang on to as much of them as you can for as long as you can. At least the pictures and videos I had on the iPad were backed up on the cloud as well as an external hard drive.

So since said iPad has died on me, I've been on edge to say the least. Then came yesterday, the hay that broke the camels back. First my car battery was dyeing on me and had to be replaced before it left me stranded. Then I hang my brand new letterboard on the wall on a hook that's been holding something heavier for years now, and not 5 minutes later it crashed to the floor bouncing off the counter then shattering into a bunch of tiny pieces. The frame is a goner. That's when I lost it, something that was unavoidable apparently because I couldn't stop it for anything.

I found myself alone, hiding under the blankets on my bed, crying. When I could finally hold myself together I got up for something. That's when I found the cat scratching up my brand new purse that my aunt had just given me for my birthday. Again, I lost it. Like seriously WTF?!?! Now that you've got an idea of how this last week has been, imagine two month of crap like that blindsiding you. Sucks right? So here's the hook I promised you....

My melt down wasn't even about any of those things. Sure I'm upset about all of it (especially that iPad) but did it deserve an all out sobbing melt down? On it's own no. But coupled with what I'm going through, hell yes!

My husband commented "Hey it's ok. It can all be replaced". Innocent enough. My reason?

"Oh we can just go replace my letterboard? With what? Oh yea like I have $299 laying around to fix my iPad. Sure why not. Lets go do that! What about my son? Can't replace him!"

And there it is folks. The root of the problem. My son whom I lost and can't replace. The one that I miss every second of every day.

Today was rough but I barely had myself put together. The hold was fragile. Then a video popped up of Liam 2 years ago today and again I can feel myself being pulled under water just like that. That's child loss. Every day I live with ups and downs. Some days are better than others but I never stop missing Liam.

Click here to see the video of Liam talking. 9/19/2015
Click here to see a video of Liam laughing 9/19//2012

21 Months Later

Photo's taken September 18, 2013

I've been trying to concentrate on planning our second annual Halloween party and all the fun things I want to do next month with Buggie. Truth is, it's all just a distraction. A distraction from the fact that, yet again, Liam will not be with us for any of the upcoming holidays. Planning things usually helps me keep my mind off of the sadness but it's hit me like a ton of bricks. I can feel depression grabbing my ankle and trying to pull me under the waters I've been trying so hard to keep my head above. I want to do all the things we weren't able to do when Liam was here because he was always too sick. I want them for my daughter. But I also want to do nothing but stay curled up in bead in sweat pants and hide from the world. Every day is a battle. Some days easier than other days. Still I put a smile on my face and continue on even when I don't feel that smile. It'll be two years in December. People will say things like "you need to move on" or "you need to get over it". What they don't understand is there's no moving on from the loss of a child. You carry it in your heart and in your soul until your reunited. There is no moving on. Losing a child is nothing like breaking up with a crappy boyfriend. You feel the loss of a child every day in everything you do. When your walking through the house and your no longer stepping on hotwheel and trains. When your doing the laundry and there clothes are no longer there to be washed. When your making dinner and there's one less person to feed. When you go somewhere fun like the fair and you and your husband turn to look at each other and say that you feel you've forgotten something but you haven't forgotten a thing. Your just missing a child. I wish I could hold my little lamb and tell him how much I love him. I wish I could smother him in kisses and play cars with him. It never goes away.

❤️💙Liam❤️💙

Child loss awareness month is October. Please help spread awareness. If you have an angel, feel free to share their name so we can pray for the when we light our candles on the 15th for the wave of light.

#childlossawareness #cdhawareness #pulmonaryembolism #littlelamb#alwaysmybaby

A Second Birthday In Heaven

I sat down many times to post about Liam's would be 6th birthday.

Every time I couldn't find the right words, but I'm starting to realize that there will never be the right words when it comes to the loss of my son.

As a mom you do all you can to keep you babies strong, healthy and even happy.

So when Liam was born with CDH I blamed myself even knowing there was no blame to be made.

I had spent every moment I possibly could by his side as he fought for life in the NICU.

When we brought him home I become more than his mother.

I was his nurse.

His nutritionist.

His physical therapist.

I was his caregiver.

All of that came before being his mother because his health came first.

I sucked it up and did whatever I had to do to help him.

After all I was his mother and it was my job to care to him at whatever cost.

When he came down with a "cold" in November 2015,

I followed all protocol we had set in place with his doctors.

I followed every step.

When it seemed he was getting better then suddenly ill again,

I took him into urgent care for chest X-rays as per protocol.

They refused saying his lungs sounded to good and he was too happy to have pneumonia.

So I took him home feeling that everything was ok.

But as the night went on I became uneasy.

He got worse each hour that past.

I wanted to load him up and take him to Children's hospital but because I had just taken him to Urgent care we reasoned that it couldn't possibly be so bad that we couldn't wait until the morning.

The next morning everything happened so fast and before I knew it I was sitting in the ER being told to call my husband and get him there asap that things were more dire than I could have imagined.

Next thing I know I listening to the doctor call TOD.

I was angry.

I was shocked.

I didn't want to believe it.

I begged Liam to come back.

And I felt like a failure.

I was his mom.

His nurse.

His caregiver.

I knew him better than ANYONE.

I should have been able to save him.

But I couldn't.

Still I blamed myself.

The moment his heart stopped,

a part of me died with him.

The me I was before ceased to exist.

And finding the words to explain the pain has been difficult.

There won't ever be the right words to explain how deep  the pain cuts.

(Liam's 3rd birthday)

As Liam's birthday approached I struggled with what to do.

Do I get together with those who loved him to "celebrate" and remember,

or do I suffer in silence and not even attempt to roll out of bed?

At the last minute I decided to give it a go and see if anyone wanted to come have lunch with me.

Honestly I didn't expect many people would want to sit with me through this day.

I honestly thought that most people wouldn't want to take time out of their day to sit with a mom who lost her baby and see her broken.

I was wrong.

More people showed up that I thought would be possible.

More people texted me to let me know they were thinking of me.

As another blogging mom says often,

"Love shows up"

That's exactly what happened.

Love showed up.

So much show that despite the heart break over losing my son and not being able to hold him and spoil him on his special day,

that it kept the tears at bay.

We laughed.

A lot.

Everyone told me how much they loved my little lamb.

Everyone sat with me and took my mind of the heartbreak for a little bit.

I watched everyone as they laughed and chatted.

I watched the kids play and be happy.

And I thought how amazing it was that this little boy of mine touched so many lives that they willingly came to celebrate and remember him on his day.

Some even brought presents for Liam's corner.

I can't even begin to tell you how special that is to me.

Some brought donations of toys for our care packages we put together for Children's hospital in Liam's memory.

LOVE SHOWED UP

(Big sister Lanie with sparklers for Liam's birthday)

At the end of the day the three of us celebrated in our own way.

We ate pizza for dinner because that's what Liam would have wanted.

And we had cake.

Then we set off a few fireworks and sparklers for him.

(See the video here)

I kept asking myself,

"what do I do? I can't buy him presents. I can't spoil him, hold him or cover him in kisses. What do I do?"

Things just fell into place.

I see that know but I couldn't see it then.

It may not have been a huge party like I would have done if he'd been here,

but it didn't have to be because love showed up.

To everyone who joined us physically and emotionally:

THANK YOU!

(Liam's corner decorated for his birthday. I found a mini pinata, a mini happy birthday cake banner, and a mini card with a goofy monster on it for him)

Processing

(Imagine is of Liam holding a brand new toy. His first Ugliest Pet Shop toy, taken Fall 2015)

          Liam's passing was hard on everyone. It was hard on us as parents. Hard on his sister and other family members. It was hard for our church and our friends. One group of people I've not really written on is the preschool kids and families. Yes it was hard for them.

          Liam started out the 2015-2016 school year with his class and gained a class of friends. He got to know them and they got to know him. Everyone was his friend. The parents also got to know Liam because we were all required to volunteer at least once per month. They got to see his smile and his crazy antics. Liam loved to make people laugh just as much as he loved to laugh. They got to see him grow and develop and change before their eyes.

          Then one day we threw them for their first curve ball when Liam showed up on oxygen for the first time. All the parents looked at me questioningly and confused. All they saw was this little boy, seemingly normal but smaller than the rest of his classmates. They had no idea he wasn't normal, or that he wasn't healthy. A few parents even had the courage to ask me why he needed oxygen. It was then, on that day, that I stood in front of a room full of Liam's classmates and parents and revealed the truth that Liam was special.

          I was scared to death as I drove him to school that morning. I was worried that the other kids would look at him like he was a freak. I was scared they would make fun of him and shun him. I was frightened to my bones that Liam would become self conscious. I had worked so hard to make Liam proud of his scars and his "button" (feeding tube), and comfortable with wearing oxygen. We just began to not have to tape the nasal cannula on. I didn't want all that work and progress to be ruined.

          I stood in front of this large group of kids and parents and explained that Liam's lungs didn't work as well as our lungs did. I explained that the big canister following Liam around held oxygen that we need to breathe. I explained how the tubing from the canister to his nose allowed the oxygen to travel from the canister, into his nose and into his lungs. I explained that Liam's lungs just got so tired sometimes that he needed a little help breathing. Then I stood there and waited for the questions.

          I stood there as the children stared at me, processing what they heard. I stood there as the parents held their breath and waiting for their reaction. Then tiny little hands flew up in the air.

"So he needs that to breathe?"

-Yes

"Does it hurt him?"

-Not at all. It just helps him.

"So he has to wear that thing on his face and stay with that thing?"

-Yes

"So that makes him like an astronaut!!"

I just stared at them letting that sink in.

"That's so cool. Liam's an astronaut! He's so cool!!!"

          I could have cried right there on the spot. I wasn't expecting that reaction. I looked up at the parents and a few smiled back at me. I didn't know what to say. I just smiled at them. I realized something in that moment. Little kids are so accepting of things that are different. They want the facts because their curios. Some stare because they're just trying to figure it out. Not one kid in that room said a negative thing about Liam being on oxygen.

          When it came time to go for outside play, I worried again. There was no way he could run around. I wanted to keep him inside but his teacher easily came up with another alternative. She took building blocks outside and sat Liam at a table. He happily build whatever his mind could think of. All  the kids took turns hanging out at the table with him because they didn't want him to be alone. Each took turn sitting right next to him. He was the happiest boy in the world at that moment.

          Liam going to school on oxygen the first time was nerve wrecking for another reason. I didn't know how his teachers would navigate moving him from one station to the next with the tank. I stayed in case they needed my help. Like the amazing people they are, they quickly figured out how to move him effectively as well as check the flow setting on his tank to make sure neither he no the other kids changed it. They knew the moment he got pale to either grab me if I was there, or call me. They knew the moment he was quiet that something was wrong. Because of their willingness to learn Liam's needs and work with him, he was able to attend school and effectively learn.

          Liam went from seemingly "healthy" to sick and needing oxygen quickly, but no one ever expected the phone call I would one day have to make. The phone call to inform them of Liam's sudden passing. That morning I had called to explain how I was keeping him home to take him to the doctors. They wished him well and asked me to keep them updated. The next day I had to tell them that he was gone. Class was in session already. I know it wasn't something they wanted to hear let alone get the news while trying to teach 27 other littles. I know it was hard for them to tell the kids what happened and to tell the parents.

          I know the parents held their babies tighter and did their best to explain what had happened. I know because so many times I've read about the passing of a fellow CDHer and held my son tighter as I fought the tears unsuccessfully. It's a pain that sticks with you but hides away until something triggers the memory. Seeing me, or hearing his name probably triggers their pain all over again.

          Since Liam's passing, I have become Facebook friends with several of the parents of his preschool friends. I've watched as they've changed so much over the last year. I attended their preschool graduation, where I watched every one of Liam's friends walk across that stage for their metal and diploma. I clapped proudly for them, even as I broke more inside because Liam wasn't with them. I saw pictures from their first day at Kindergarten as their parents dropped them off at school. Those proud faces smiling back at me through the computer screen. I've watched as they've grown taller and their personalities become more developed. I see them every day I pick up my daughter from school and they smile and wave at me. "Hi Ms Aubin!" they greet me as they walk past.

          I watched as each one turned 5 and parents posted pictures celebrating. And now I watch all over again as they each turn 6 years old. It's bittersweet. I'm happy for their parents that they don't have to know the pain of losing a child, but I'm broken for myself as my son will forever be 4 years, 5 months and 1 day old. I see some of their sad smiles when they look at me. Most choose to "ignore" me until I'm within a certain distance. I know it's hard for them to see me and that they fight their own demons each day. It's hard for me too. Some days I pretend I didn't see them. I don't want them to go through it all over again. Other days, I just stay in my car and hide so they don't have to see it. The few that do say hello in passing or actually attempt to talk to me, I make a huge attempt to put a smile on my face and pretend that I'm happy even when I'm not.

          I hear the emotions in their voice. I hear when their voice cracks. I see the tears build in their eyes and the look that they want to say more, but aren't sure it would be ok. They struggle with the mentioning of their children, like they aren't sure they should. The conversations always start out awkward and most end awkwardly, though I try to ease their fears.

          I struggle every day with the loss of my son. I want people to remember him. I want people to be able to talk about him with me. I want those preschool parents to not be afraid to mention their children to me. Yes I went through hell, but I can also celebrate the living. Sure the celebration or joy is much more muted than it was before I lost Liam, but you can't expect me not to be changed. I struggle every holiday not to sent treats to every kindergarten class that has one of Liam's preschool friends. I don't do it because it seems so weird. I don't send treats to the new crop of preschool kids for that same reason.

          I know that I'm probably already labeled that weird mom, you know the one who lost her son. After Liam passed, it seemed that news spread very quickly through the school and to the parents, Whether they knew Liam or not, they all seemed to know. When staff members started wearing CDH awareness shirts with Liam's name on the back, I'm sure lots of parents asked why. They still wear the shirts every Thursday so show their support and their love. To this day, parents all look at me weird. Before, I was just another mom at pickup. Now I'm that mom who lost her kid but still has to come pick up her other kid. Many times I've even heard hushed whispers. They weren't quiet enough for me not to hear them. One mom even tried hard to get me to rejoin PTA. Three days she asked me and tried coaxing me. When I laughed and said I'd never rejoin PTA again, she stopped trying. She never said a word to me again or even waved hello. That probably solidified my status as the weird mom but I don't care.

          Losing a child changes you. Things you once thought were important, you begin to see as a waste of time. Your time becomes more precious and you refuse to waste any because you know just how short life can really be. I understand why people avoid me. They just don't understand why I avoid them. Some days seeing Liam's friends causes so much pain that I can't handle it. Watching them celebrate birthday's seems to be the hardest. Some days I watch them walk in their little straight lines at the end of the day and just think how Liam should be right there with them. Some days the tears fall, some day's I can keep it all in. I don't expect anyone to understand what I'm going  through. It's safe to say that I only expect them to hug their children a little tighter each night like I wish I could do to my son.

          

The Tight Rope

2/2/2015 Little Liam was exhausted so he climbed up in my lap and fell asleep. It seemed by lap was his happy place. I'm glad I could give him that.

Today has been emotional. Liam's big sister is getting ready to turn 9. We're throwing her a surprise birthday party. On my way home from work I thought about how much fun it would be. Then a dark fog descended. Liam wouldn't be there. He will miss all the fun and we will miss his smiling face and his laugh.

How am I supposed to do this? How am I supposed to cope with this kind of pain and continue to live? I sat there in my car crying uncontrollably. My baby boy was gone. Just like that the scab was ripped off and I'm once again bleeding.

I sat there and thought about my daughter. I sat there and thought of what my husband would say once he saw all the party supplies. Especially the pinata. He's so predictable that I imagined he'd tell me that I was going overboard. I imagined my response to him. "She's the only baby I have left and despite whatever you may think, I'd do anything for her. I only have 1 now. My boy is gone. I can't have anymore kids and we will never be in a position where adoption is an option. She's all I have so yes, I'm going to spoil her on her birthday and any other time I feel like it."

All day I've been thinking about how every happy time, every holiday, every celebration will always have this shadow lingering in the corner for me. Last October, we threw Lanie her first Halloween party. We invited a ton of kids and our friends and family. The yard was full and over flowing with joy as the kids danced to the monster mash, gorged on sweets and played games. I imagine that Liam would have been right in the mix playing and laughing if he had been there. I could almost see the shadow, about his size, weaving through the crowd.

I'm at that "stage" in my grief where I walk this tight rope strung from two skyscrapers. As long as I keep moving forward, don't stop and balance correctly, I won't fall. It sounds easier than it really is. I think walking a real tight rope would be easier than the emotional one I'm walking now.

Beautiful Life, Beautiful Mess

I hated to see my little lamb sick.

For 4 years, 5 months and 1 day I sat my his side and watched him struggle one issue after another.

It broke my heart.

At times it felt like my soul was breaking.

It took a long time for me to see the beauty.

The beauty in the struggle.

The beauty in the fight.

The beauty in survival.

We fought hard.

With every breath we had and every bit of energy we had,

we fought hard.

All of us.

I can't deny that we gave our all.

I can't deny that there's beauty in the mess.

I watched as he quietly took his treatments and his slew medicines.

I watched as he smiled at countless nurses, doctors and surgeons.

I watched as he quietly struggled to breath more times that I can count.

He cried to play outside.

He cried when he wanted something he couldn't have.

But he never cried over being stuck in a hospital room.

He never cried when he had to go to the doctors.

Instinctively he knew what he needed.

He took it with more grace and dignity than a grown person.

There's something about watching someone who is broken,

rebuild themselves one piece at a time.

It's like a phoenix rising from the ashes.

Liam was like that.

A presence that demanded attention.

A light within the darkness.

His lowest point was moments after he was born.

I watched as he rose and survived.

I watched as he spent his whole like trying to survive and live each day to the fullest.

His little hands grasping hotwheels.

Singing along with Mickey Mouse.

It was beautiful.

It was our beautiful mess.

(January 5th 2015)

When The Fog Has Lifted

The last year since Liam's passing was a fog. A fog of denial, anger and pain. I kept waiting for Liam to walk through the door of his room and say "Morning", or to wake up to find this has all been a nightmare. Every morning I woke up to relive the heartbreak all over again. It's been a vicious cycle.

I did all I could to keep busy so I wouldn't just lay there crying and useless. I did what I had to to survive this past year. Including months spent hiding in bed refusing to face reality, jumping in head first at church, and even returning to the workforce. Each move I made had it's own motives and implications.... to survive.

Losing Liam shattered my soul to the point I wasn't sure I could be put back together again. I was sure even God himself couldn't find all the pieces to make me whole again. All I knew with absolution was that I loved and missed my son, that I needed him still.

When Liam was born, huge changes happened in our lives. I was so broken that I thought there was no coming back. When Liam survived CDH and came home from NICU, I quickly picked up the pieces and went into survival mode. We all went from living to just surviving. For the past 5 1/2 years all we've done is survive. We didn't even realize. Our world became focused on Liam. What was right for Liam. What we had to do to keep him healthy. Even retreating into our own bubble and shutting others out because that's what we had to do to make sure Liam survived. For us to survive, he had to survive.

I didn't know if I would survive this last year without Liam. The pain has been too great. I was for sure I would die of a broken heart long ago. I would say that I don't know how I made it, but as of yesterday, that's no longer true. For years everyone has asked me how I dealt with having a chronically ill child like Liam. I always said I wasn't sure that I just did. Sometimes I would joke and say things like "lots of coffee" or "if Liam could smile through it all then surely I could too". A few times I went as far as to state "it's what any parent would do for their child", despite the fact that I knew that it wasn't true. My mothers wouldn't have taken care of me. As it was, she gave us. If i'd been born like Liam, she would have surely walked out that hospital the first chance she got and never looked back. (And honestly I could care less at this point in my life)

While enduring everything we've gone through, I didn't have the answers, but now it seems clear as day. I was already suffering from depression and PTSD long before Liam was born. His traumatic birth only made my PTSD worse, more complex. My brain shut off certain parts of my brain and went into survival mode. I was constantly on alert and aware of my surroundings. Survival mode is a pervasive sense of fear, stress, and anxiety, it's a overactive response to stress. My muscles have been tense for 5 1/2 years and as a result have not been able to relax, no matter how many muscle relaxers I take. I survived because my brain shut off emotions in intense situations. There were ratification's like flash backs and extreme insomnia. The inability to get motivated or lose weigh and so much more. How I survived his passing, is much how I survived his life. Survival mode.

A few days ago things changed. Something clicked. I realized then that at that moment, the fog of denial was gone. He wasn't going to walk through the door of his bedroom or I wasn't going to wake up from a nightmare. He was gone and that was that. I wrote the following on Sunday:

Somehow, the pain, feels different. Like losing all hope that I would wake up and the last year was a nightmare, has changed things. The the pain is there and it's more raw than ever before, but somehow things are different. As if this it's not just a thought in my head, but something concrete I can touch. Like the denial has been lifted. In accepting that this isn't a nightmare, I think I've inadvertently accepted Liam's passing. Maybe accepted is the wrong word because I'm not ok with it by any means. I just know he's really gone. I won't wake up one morning to see his face smiling at me. It's just real. No more fog of shock, or fog of denial. It's raw pain. It's like a gaping and open wound that has been open for so long you've become so used to the pain that you don't cry constantly but only when the pain gets worse. Like when missing him gets worse (and it still happens a lot). I miss Liam constantly. It's when I'm flooded with emotions of missing him, loving him and memories that I can't hold back the thick tears and the sobbing. I was sitting in my car yesterday at church when I realized this. The post before this was what I wrote on my page yesterday. You can see the second I realized when it all be concrete. What comes next? I have no clue. I'm still lost in my grief, it's just different now.

Today I came to another realization. We've been in survival mode for 5 1/2 years. It's time to start living again. Time to work our way towards living at least. If it doesn't make us happy, we shouldn't do it. If burring our feet in the sand just to feel it between our toes makes us happy, then that's what we should do. If riding scooters, reading pointless books or painting rainbows makes us happy, then that's what we should do. We have to figure out how to enjoy life again, how to really start living and stop living in survival mode.

Posted earlier on my Facebook:

For so long we've been trying to put square pegs in round holes. Meaning we've been trying to make things fit when they just don't and it's time to make changes. Work with he cards we've been dealt and do what works best for us. I'm sad to see certain things change but for years, since Liam's birth, all we've done was survive. Our motto was to do what ever we had to to survive. At the end of he day, that's all that mattered. It's important that we try to do more than just survive now. We need to find a way to live again and that includes doing things that make us happy in the moment. This isn't just some New Years resolution. It has nothing to do with that. When things clicked Sunday and the denial lifted of Liam's passing, with that brought the notion that it was time to start living again, or at least put ourselves on the right path. Trying to live again will help us to heal, something we desperately need.

We won't ever be the same people we were before Liam was born. It's impossible to forget the love we have for him. We have to find who we are now. Together.

Liam holding a string of lights December 2014

9 Days

Two years ago today,

life seemed to be as perfect as our lives got.

A year ago today,

we felt even luckier.

Liam may have been struggling with a "cold",

but we were all home,

happy,

and loved.

A cold wouldn't ruin our happy bubble of life.

Liam was doing great in school.

He was jumping those hurdles almost as fast as they popped up.

He was surrounded by friends who supported and loved him.

They showed more love and compassion towards Liam that I thought was possible for any 4 and 5 year old child's capabilities.

They put so many of my worries at ease.

They gave us more hope for the future.

Liam could do anything with friends like that at his side.

Lanie was doing great at school as always.

Things were exciting at school with Christmas crafts and break coming up.

They would sing Christmas music throughout the day and talk about what they wanted from Santa.

Things couldn't have been better.

They were the best they've ever been.

What we didn't know was that there was a darkness lurking.

Everything would soon change.

In  9 days it'll be 1 year since we lost our little Lamb.

1 year since we last saw his smile.

1 year since we last heard his voice.

1 year since we last held him.

1 year.

12 months.

365 days.

Of pure torture.

(12/6/2014)

Life is completely different.

There's a missing piece of us in everything we do.

Sometimes I can still hear the echo of his laugh,

or feel him tugging on my shirt.

My arms still remember what it's like to hold him.

I'm scared I'll forget.

That I'll one day forget his voice.

Or forget how it felt to hold him.

There are days when this all feels like a coma induced nightmare.

I can't make it all go away no matter how hard I try.

I can't bring him back no matter how much my heart aches for him.

Capture Your Grief Day 7

Day 7: What song reminds you of your angel?

When Liam was in the NICU I used to sing to him.

I sang "Baby Mine" by Allison Kraus,

and "Godspeed" by Dixie Chicks.

After Liam passed away I was looking for a song to use in his memorial service video.

A good friend came to me with a song that she had heard on the radio.

She said it was perfect and played it for me.

I remember sitting on the porch listening to this song and crying.

It summed it up.

"Trust in You" by Lauren Diagle.

I kept watching videos of Liam and staring at his pictures.

Once again I decided to make another video.

I came across Daughtry's "Gone Too Soon",

and decided to use it.

**Note: If you click on the each link, they'll take you to a video I made using each song**

Capture Your Grief Day 5

Day 5: Picture of the sky.

Every morning I wake up at 5:30am.

Every morning I drag myself out of bed and get dressed for work.

Every morning I attempt to drag my daughter out of bed to get ready for school.

The best part of my day, however, is the drive to work.

I leave my house right after the sun starts rising.

The sky is starting to lighten.

The sun just peeking up over the mountains.

It's absolutely beautiful.

Every morning I feel blessed to me able to see this.

I think of how God is watching over us.

How Liam is up there in heaven playing.

The sun rising reminds me of Liam's smile.

How every morning he would wake up and as soon as he saw my face,

his eyes would light up and a smile so huge,

and so bright would spread across his face.

It was my favorite sight every morning.

It was better than that first cup of coffee.

For me,

the sunrise is Liam smiling down on me.

I miss him every day,

in every way.

I miss hearing his feet paddle through the house.

I miss his laugh.

His laugh and his smile were infectious.

You couldn't help but laugh with him.

He made my world a better place.

Capture Your Grief Day 2

Capture your grief day #2: Your angel's name.

Liam Michael Bryant 

It was a bit difficult naming Liam. When I was pregnant with my daughter, we agreed on the name Landon if we were having a boy. I just figured we were to use that name but for my husband,nit didn't seem to fit. The whole family had a say when it came to his name. At least we welcomed their opinion. We weren't naming him Andy, like his grandpa and uncle. After all, we had given Lanie that namesake. One day, as we watched a movie, Justin suggested we call him Liam. I rubbed my belly and said the name a few times. A smile crept over my face and I agreed. Liam it would be. It was perfect. 

It's kind of funny when we explain our kids names to people. Both names came from movies, or actors. Lanie was from 'She's all that'. Liam was inspired by Liam Nesson. A few years ago during one of Liam's UCSF stays, I busted out laughing at how appropriate the name was. His first name being Liam and he had underwent a procedure called a Nisson Fundiplication to fix his Hiatal hernia. For days I'd laugh at this. Nurses laughed at this. I still kind of giggle over it. 

Then there's Liam's middle name, Michael. We wanted his middle name to mean something. To be honest I fought for Bevin, so he'd be named after my dad. I knew it was a long shot suggesting it, but I tried. Liam Michael was just too perfect for him. Michael is a family name. He was named partly after Justin's uncle who passed away and partly because I had remembered I had a Michael on my side as well. 

From the time Liam was a tiny 2 pound 4 ounce baby in NICU, until the day he passed, I would rock him and sing "Liam Michael. Liam Michael. Liam Michael" over and over again. It started out as me not knowing what to say to this tiny baby fighting for his life but him needing to be talked to so he would recognize my voice. Also because talking to babies who are in the NICU, helps them thrive. Late nights, sleep exhausted but trying to soothe a crying baby, I would rock him and sing his name over and over. It worked like a charm. This was the go to lullaby. I remember rocking him that last night, trying to soothe him. I sang his name over and over again. I told him I wasn't going anywhere. I told him I loved him. I find that that lullaby goes through my head so often, like it's trying to soothe me. 

I hear his name, Liam Michael, and there's so much power in those words. They can make me smile, or bring me to my knees. I miss my son so much. I miss his laugh and tripping on his cars and trains. We were just talking about how sometimes we still feel the tug at the back of our shirts, like he used to do. And how sometimes we can even hear his laugh. I had never told anyone that before. Then at the memorial service at Children's hospital last Friday, our good friend Manny brought it up. He said one day he laughed and said "where are you?" And he swore he heard Liam's laugh. My jaw had dropped. My niece then said its happened to her before. In tears I proclaimed the same, saying I didn't want to say anything because I was afraid everyone would think I was crazy. 

I'm Supposed to be...

(Taken December 14th, 2015. The day before he passed)

Last Sunday God gave me just the tiniest piece of peace in my heart.

It's made dealing with the grief of loosing my son, easier I guess. 

It didn't take away the pain, but it made most moments bare able. 

Tonight the grief is overflowing. 

I'm crying fat tears that I can't stop.

It hurts. 

My heart hurts. 

I'm missing him.

How could I not miss him?

Tonight I'm just letting it out. 

Letting it flow. 

I don't understand how we got here.

How I could love this little boy so completely.

And now he's gone. 

Just like that.

The bad thing about PTSD is that no matter how much faith you have, it still rears its ugly heard. 

It still taunts you.

It still makes you relive the pain over and over again.

I've been watching videos of Liam today.

I could almost pretend he was asleep in his bed. 

Instead of playing in heaven.

I hear myself talking to him on the videos and I can hear how happy I was.

I could hear how much I loved him.

I wonder, why me?

Why my son?

God didn't do this. 

It's not punishment.

He's didn't take my son because he needed another angel.

He saved my son when his body couldn't continue any longer. 

God knows how much I loved my son. 

He knows how much it hurt to see him sick.

God knows I would have laid down my life to give my son a long health one.

God knows what's in my heart that I can't put into words. 

As I sit here trying to stop crying and failing, all I keep thinking is,

"I just want my baby back" 

"Why am I being so selfish?"

I'm supposed to be happy for him, that wasn't forced to live a long life of suffering. 

I'm supposed to be happy that he got to go straight to heaven, never having sinned. 

He never had his heart broken, truely broken.

He never felt unloved or unwanted.

I am happy for him. 

But I still miss him so much that it just hurts beyond words sometimes. 

I know that I'll continue to put one foot in front of the other,

Count to ten,

And find my way. 

I know every second of every day will be tinged with the loss and the pain it's caused.

I'm just trying to survive every ten seconds until I can wrap my arms around my son again. 

Sue and Liam

5 years ago today, we traveled back to UCSF for follow up appointments. A clinic for kids born with CDH ran by the specialist that treated our babies in their NICU. I went in praying for good news, but knowing in my heart that we would receive bad news. One day I will learn to trust my heart (or gut) because the news they gave us brought me to tears.

5 years ago today, I sat in a room with 3 CDH specialist and listened to them tell me that my son was failure to thrive. They told me he wasn't gaining weight properly, and that he needed a feeding tube. Despite exhausting myself in an attempt to get Liam to eat and gain weight, I had failed. I felt that I hit rock bottom. I had failed as his mother. The specialist tried to tell me it wasn't my fault and that they could tell by the detailed records I kept of his feeds and meds that I had done more than any normal mother. I had, at some point, stopped being his mother and became his nurse. It was how I coped with my PTSD and anxiety, After it was set that we would once again travel to UCSF for a feeding tube, we left. I felt broken. Broken and hurt.

There was something we couldn't leave SF without doing.  We couldn't not stop and see our favorite NICU nurse and primary Sue. We had to take Liam to see Sue. Sue became like family to us while we were in the NICU. Liam and Sue had a special bond. Liam loved to fake being asleep (under the paralytic) but when Sue would turn her back to him, he would open his eyes to try and see her and he would smile. Before she turned back around, his eyes would close and he would be back to pretending. I tried to tell her but she said he couldn't be awake because they had him under the paralytic. She'd turn her back and his eyes would fly open again. I could swear he was laughing at her. Finally she believed me and sat there staring at him for so long, he couldn't help but open his eyes. We all had a great laugh. Of course after that they had no choice but to increase his paralytic.

When Liam would cry, she would place her hand on her hip, shake her finger at him and say "hey! there's no crying in baseball!". Liam would stop crying and smile at her. She knew that when he didn't stop crying that things were serious. In the picture above, Liam is snuggled into Sue's arms, happy as can be. Shes softly talking to him, telling him what a good boy he is. He of course, smiled at her. 

As Liam grew, I would tell him about his NICU nurses Sue and Cindy. I'd show him pictures of himself as a baby and he'd say "awe cute baby". When he found out it was him he'd say "What!? No! I no baby" and I'd laugh. I would tell him how amazing his nurses and doctors at UCSF were and how they "fixed" him. He was always so proud of his scars. 

Thanks again Elizabeth Nelson and Nayeli Faith Foundation for helping us make this trip and this memory possible. The Nayeli Faith Foundation helps families with kids at Ucsf born with CDH. They help with parking passes, food cards, hotel rooms, gas cards and more. If your looking for a foundation to donate too, this is a good one. Check out their Facebook page for more of the good work they do.

Blowing Dandelions

                                  

(Liam September 21st, 2015)

Dear Sweet Liam,

My little angel,

I don't understand this life without you.

Your pictures,

Your things,

And this hurt,

Are the only reason I know you really existed.

I go through each day like a zombie,

Never really living,

Just existing.

I'm trying to see the light in this storm.

It should me simple.

It is simple. 

You were hurting,

And now your not.

You lived a life of pain,

And now your suffering has ended.

I wanted so badly to believe that you were ok.

Every night I prayed for your health.

Lord please make each day better than the last.

Each day was better,

Even through the set backs.

It was better until it wasn't.

I know your suffering has ended.

I know your healthy and happy in heaven.

I wish I could see it.

I wish you were happy and healthy here.

Everyday I wake up and pray.

Lord please let me make it through today.

Throughout the day I pray.

Lord please let him be ok.

Lord please tell him I love him.

Lord please hug him for me.

A mother should never have to say these prayers.

I mother should never have to lose a child.

But here I am,

Where you are not.

Lost and broken inside.

Part of an exclusive club of heartbreak,

That should never exist.

If I could hold you,

I would.

If I could kiss you,

I would.

If I could whisper in your ear that I love you,

I would.

Instead I tell the butterflies.

I tell the sun each morning.

I blow dandelions and wish for you.

I love you sweet boy.

Until I get there,

Please hold that piece of my heart close.

(Image found on Google that I edited using PicsArt)