Gift A Book

I want you to take a good look at this picture. I want you to look at these two kids and their smiling faces. Often times when we talk about child loss we can't imagine a face. We can't fathom how painful such a great loss is. Some even imagine how painful it would be to lose a child. I use to imagine it when a friend on Facebook would lose their child. Truth is whatever we imagine it would feel like to lose a child doesn't come close to what it really feels like. I know because I lost my 4 year old son last December. That little boy in the picture below was 4 years, 5 months and 1 day old when we lost him. The little girl in the picture is his sister. Siblings are often "forgotten" when a child is lost. We forget that they are grieving too. We forget that they are in pain too. We also forget that because they are young they are having a hard time understanding and processing what's happened. The last thing a grieving parent has is words to explain to their child what happened to their sibling or where they are now, or even what happens now. We forget that the loss changes everything. As parents grieving the loss of our son, we had a hard time putting into words what exactly happened. We had and still have a hard time trying to help her process her emotions. When it came time to explain what her brothers memorial would be like, we were all tears and no words. She was given a few books right after her brother passed. I sat down and read them with her. They gave me the words to explain things and her more understanding of the situation. They became a comfort, something that was tangible she could grab when we didn't have the words she needed. As part of our care packages, we want to provide siblings with a book to help them through this storm. You may think that a book isn't important at a time like this, but in a child's eyes it's huge. My daughter was 7, almost 8, at the time her brother passed. When asked if the books she was given brought her comfort, she would tell you yes. She would tell you how she used to snuggle up with the stuffed bear she was given and read those books. Will you help us offer the same comfort to children who lose a sibling? Any amount you can give will be greatly appreciated. Please help us reach our goal! http://www.youcaring.com/sent-from-heaven-659180 

#childlossawareness #pregnancylossawareness #sentfromheaven

Trust in You

Hubby made a comment earlier.

He said that this last year has been the hardest year of his life.

He said "Trust in You" came on the radio the other day.

My brother in law,

nephew,

and husband,

all stopped working to listen to the lyrics.

They said even though they heard the song play in Liam's memorial video,

and on the radio a million times,

they never stopped to actually listen to it.

The song talks about how God is always with you.

How you ask God to give you miracles,

but it's not always how you wanted them,

or when you wanted them.

It's about always trusting in God,

no matter what hardships you face.

When I choose this song for Liam's memorial,

it felt right.

I was so broken and so lost.

Truth is that I still am broken.

I will always be broken.

I had two choices when Liam passed.

I  could be angry and deny God.

I could fight his every push.

I could turn away.

Or I could throw myself down at God's feet,

at His mercy,

and give him all of me.

I choose to throw myself at God's feet.

I choose to offer myself up to him.

I choose to follow God's path for me.

Why?

Because I wanted to trust His promise that my son was in heaven.

I needed to trust that my son was safe.

I needed to now that he was now forever loved and sheltered from pain,

thanks to God sending His son to die on the cross for us.

This past (almost) 10 months have been so painful.

I won't ever say that I don't miss my son to the point it's physically painful.

The very truth of the matter is that,

if it wasn't for God,

I wouldn't have made it through this last year.

That song got me through the toughest time in my life.

It reminded me that God was always there for us.

We haven't been thrown into a cruel world without protection.

We aren't navigating this world without a map.

He has seen everything.

He knows everyone's futures,

their paths.

"When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You"

Listen to the song and watch Liam's memorial video by clicking here

October 2014

Capture Your Grief Day 7

Day 7: What song reminds you of your angel?

When Liam was in the NICU I used to sing to him.

I sang "Baby Mine" by Allison Kraus,

and "Godspeed" by Dixie Chicks.

After Liam passed away I was looking for a song to use in his memorial service video.

A good friend came to me with a song that she had heard on the radio.

She said it was perfect and played it for me.

I remember sitting on the porch listening to this song and crying.

It summed it up.

"Trust in You" by Lauren Diagle.

I kept watching videos of Liam and staring at his pictures.

Once again I decided to make another video.

I came across Daughtry's "Gone Too Soon",

and decided to use it.

**Note: If you click on the each link, they'll take you to a video I made using each song**

Capture Your Grief Day 6

Day 6: Picture of your belly, with your hands forming a heart. You held life!

I still remember what it felt like to be pregnant with Liam.

I felt his kicks early on.

He had a strong heartbeat and was extremely active.

I was in a lot of pain but it was worth it.

I loved him more each day that passed.

There were times after he was born that I wished I'd wake up and find I was still pregnant with him.

Him safe in my womb.

I also remember my first pregnancy.

I didn't know I was pregnant until I misscarried the first twin.

I was so scared and nervous.

I was also very sad.

I mourned the loss of a baby I hadn't even know I was pregnant with.

When I went to the doctor,

I was told the remaining baby had a good heart beat.

Just weeks later I lost it.

Capture Your Grief Day 5

Day 5: Picture of the sky.

Every morning I wake up at 5:30am.

Every morning I drag myself out of bed and get dressed for work.

Every morning I attempt to drag my daughter out of bed to get ready for school.

The best part of my day, however, is the drive to work.

I leave my house right after the sun starts rising.

The sky is starting to lighten.

The sun just peeking up over the mountains.

It's absolutely beautiful.

Every morning I feel blessed to me able to see this.

I think of how God is watching over us.

How Liam is up there in heaven playing.

The sun rising reminds me of Liam's smile.

How every morning he would wake up and as soon as he saw my face,

his eyes would light up and a smile so huge,

and so bright would spread across his face.

It was my favorite sight every morning.

It was better than that first cup of coffee.

For me,

the sunrise is Liam smiling down on me.

I miss him every day,

in every way.

I miss hearing his feet paddle through the house.

I miss his laugh.

His laugh and his smile were infectious.

You couldn't help but laugh with him.

He made my world a better place.

Capture Your Grief Day 4

Capture your grief day 4: What kind of loss(Es) do you have? What were the statistics of those losses?

I've been pregnant 3 times, yet I have only 1 out of 4 children living.

*My first pregnancy, I lost twins a few weeks apart. I later found out that it was most likely vanishing twin. This occurs in 21-30% of multi fetal pregnancies.  (Read more here)

*Miscarriage occurs 1 in 4 woman. 

Lanie was born a healthy rainbow baby. Then there was Liam and my pregnancy with Liam. Sometime during pregnancy my uterus ruptured (we're guessing it occurred at the end of March/beginning of April judging by when the pain and contractions started).

*uterine rupture occurs 1 in 1,146 (.07%)

*CDH occurs 1 in every 2500 births. 

*bilateral CDH is extremely rare occurring in less than 1% of CDH cases. Most die in utero, leaving only 35% to survive pregnancy. 

*50% of babies born with CDH do not survive. 

The doctors gave Liam a 0% chance at surviving NICU. They didn't think they'd get him stable for surgery. Yet Liam survived and left NICU at a mere 48 days. I say "mere" because the majority of CDH babies stay in the hospital anywhere from a few months to even years. Liam was also born with a partial biotinidase deficiency. This meant his odds of being failure to thrive increased exponentially. Not only did CDH create a higher risk of SIDS but his partial biotinidase deficiency increased those odds. Read more about biotinidase deficiency symptoms here.

*One in 109,921 for partial biotinidase deficiency.

 (Read more here)

*Pulmonary Embolism occurs .43-4.7% in children. 

(Read more here)

(Picture is of Liam sleeping soundly in my arms on 10/04/2011. We were at UCSF for a NG feding tube.)

Capture Your Grief Day 3

Capture your grief challenge day 3: What special dates do you remember?

July 14th, 2011: Liam's birthdate 

July 15th, 2011: Liam was transferred to UCSF at just 8 hours old. 

July 16th, 2011: After pushing the doctors, they released me and I went straight to UCSF.

July 21st, 2011: Liam's repair surgery. 

July 29th 2011: Liam's due date 

August 26th, 2011: we got to bring Liam home from UCSF NICU. 

December 15th, 2015: Liam grew wings.

(I don't remember the exact dates I found out I was pregnant the first time or the exact dates of each twins miscarriage but it was in 2007)

Capture Your Grief Day 2

Capture your grief day #2: Your angel's name.

Liam Michael Bryant 

It was a bit difficult naming Liam. When I was pregnant with my daughter, we agreed on the name Landon if we were having a boy. I just figured we were to use that name but for my husband,nit didn't seem to fit. The whole family had a say when it came to his name. At least we welcomed their opinion. We weren't naming him Andy, like his grandpa and uncle. After all, we had given Lanie that namesake. One day, as we watched a movie, Justin suggested we call him Liam. I rubbed my belly and said the name a few times. A smile crept over my face and I agreed. Liam it would be. It was perfect. 

It's kind of funny when we explain our kids names to people. Both names came from movies, or actors. Lanie was from 'She's all that'. Liam was inspired by Liam Nesson. A few years ago during one of Liam's UCSF stays, I busted out laughing at how appropriate the name was. His first name being Liam and he had underwent a procedure called a Nisson Fundiplication to fix his Hiatal hernia. For days I'd laugh at this. Nurses laughed at this. I still kind of giggle over it. 

Then there's Liam's middle name, Michael. We wanted his middle name to mean something. To be honest I fought for Bevin, so he'd be named after my dad. I knew it was a long shot suggesting it, but I tried. Liam Michael was just too perfect for him. Michael is a family name. He was named partly after Justin's uncle who passed away and partly because I had remembered I had a Michael on my side as well. 

From the time Liam was a tiny 2 pound 4 ounce baby in NICU, until the day he passed, I would rock him and sing "Liam Michael. Liam Michael. Liam Michael" over and over again. It started out as me not knowing what to say to this tiny baby fighting for his life but him needing to be talked to so he would recognize my voice. Also because talking to babies who are in the NICU, helps them thrive. Late nights, sleep exhausted but trying to soothe a crying baby, I would rock him and sing his name over and over. It worked like a charm. This was the go to lullaby. I remember rocking him that last night, trying to soothe him. I sang his name over and over again. I told him I wasn't going anywhere. I told him I loved him. I find that that lullaby goes through my head so often, like it's trying to soothe me. 

I hear his name, Liam Michael, and there's so much power in those words. They can make me smile, or bring me to my knees. I miss my son so much. I miss his laugh and tripping on his cars and trains. We were just talking about how sometimes we still feel the tug at the back of our shirts, like he used to do. And how sometimes we can even hear his laugh. I had never told anyone that before. Then at the memorial service at Children's hospital last Friday, our good friend Manny brought it up. He said one day he laughed and said "where are you?" And he swore he heard Liam's laugh. My jaw had dropped. My niece then said its happened to her before. In tears I proclaimed the same, saying I didn't want to say anything because I was afraid everyone would think I was crazy. 

Capture Your Grief Day 1

October is pregnancy, infant and child loss awareness month. I will be taking part in the Capture Your Grief challenge in memory of my son Liam. 

Day 1: A picture of you. How are you doing today?

Honestly I'm exhausted. Physically and mentally. My world has been turned upside down. I want to be able to reach out and hug my son. I want to call his name and have him come running. I'm also numb, or dissaccosiated. This morning, at 5 am, we woke up to a heavy shelf in our bedroom falling off the wall, taking the trim with it. It was full of books and photo frames of Liam and other things. We lost a few photo frames and a cross my aunt Rose gave me, but the little boy cherub holding a cat statue survive unscathed. I'm so thankful for that. Emotions ran high and rampad. When I explained to a friend what happened I started to go into freak out mode. That's when I just became numb. It was too much. Metaphorically, I've been feeling like the walls were crashing down on me. Now I guess they physically are as well. It seems... Appropriate to how I feel really. I could laugh at the irony. The hurt from losing my baby is something that is seared into my soul. I will heal, but there will be scars so I'll never be like I was before. Today, right now, I'm just exhausted. 

Me holding Liam's monkey that I took and had a 2 pound weight put in so its close to his birth weight of 2 pounds 4 ounces. 

Mummy Jar Craft

The Mummy Jar

What you'll need:

A jar

Gauze

Tape and or glue

Googly eyes

A battery operated tea light candle

I prefer to use clear tape because it makes this project a lot faster.

Tape the end of the gauze to the jar. Next wrap the gauze around the jar until it's covered.

You can glue or tape your eyes to the jar or gauze.

Turn on your light and place it inside.

How easy is that?!

Even though I clicked on the website to get the full tutorial,

it wasn't available. I did however find other Halloween mason jar project tutorial. 

Click here to see more projects from Crafthub.