We did it. We finally moved to our new house. It's been a week of moving everything over and cleaning out the old house, followed by four weeks of trying to settle into the new place. It feels so strange. Like there are two realities and I'm stuck between them, unsure which one is real. It feels like we're meant to be here yet like we don't deserve this.
It's a bigger, better house, on a better side of town with better schools for our daughter. We're waiting for the shoe to drop and for this to be taken from us like everything else that makes us happy. I guess that's how you feel after you've gone through what we have and suffered like we have.
This move was a hard one. We had to do it without our little boy. When a family moves, the whole families goes. They don't leave behind anyone. But the only part of Liam that got to move were his things and his urn. To pack up his corner took a lot of strength. To pick up his urn and transport it to the new house sent me right back to when we picked it up from the funeral home. I started spiraling emotionally. We also had to go through boxes that were in storage and found more of his things that were put away before he passed away. At one point I started crying and had to walk away. There's only so much pain one heart can handle. We shouldn't have to go through our dead child's things to decide what stays and what goes. Then again we shouldn't even have a dead child. I say it that way because I want you to really feel the pain. Or maybe it's just me. Saying he passed away is like trying to soften the blow for people when the word dead is like a slap to the face. It can't be ignored.
I knew moving without Liam would be extremely hard. I just didn't expect it to be so soul breaking. I didn't anticipate having to go through his things or finding stuff stashed away. His shelf was to be set up but his boxed belongings were to be stored in the office closet, as is. That's not at all how it worked out. We've been here three weeks and have so much more unpacking to do.
I know that we have to live but living after the loss is so hard. He should be here enjoying the room to run and exploring. We know that we have to find our way. This move is supposed to help us. I can honestly say that despite the few breakdowns we've all had over Liam, that there's change happening in all of us.
We're still not completely unpacked. Not even halfway. We unpacked enough to "survive" then the unpacking just stopped. For the first time since we first got married, it looks like we're living a minimalistic lifestyle and I gotta say it's actually working for us. Our lives feel less cluttered, physically and emotionally. It's almost like having less stuff is helping us process our own thoughts and feelings.
Our house is staying cleaner. Things aren't just littering every surface or the floor. I'm not constantly having to pick up after everyone. I have more time to focus on the things that make me happy. Only I have no idea what that is anymore and instead of concentrating on whatever that may be, I'm having to concentrate on my health because it's seems to only be getting worse.
Yes I still have Fibromyalgia. Yes it's still a pain in the, everywhere. I know my limits with it, and admittedly I always over do it. About a month ago I was diagnosed with something new. Itersistal Cystitis. A very painful problem with my bladder that has just seemed to get worse this last few months. You know how they say 'when life gives you lemons, make lemon aide?'. Well with IC you don't want to consume anything with lemons in it. It's a good thing Lanie went off to camp this last week so she didn't have to see me absolutely miserable and in bed all week. I spent this week in so much pain and trying new medications and peeing blood. I know TMI but this really is serious and if there's something I do consistently, it's spread awareness.
Speaking of Lanie, shes having an absolute blast at christian camp. She called Tuesday and said she loved it. Sunday she's getting baptized. She's starting her own journey with God and we couldn't be prouder of her.
It's a bigger, better house, on a better side of town with better schools for our daughter. We're waiting for the shoe to drop and for this to be taken from us like everything else that makes us happy. I guess that's how you feel after you've gone through what we have and suffered like we have.
This move was a hard one. We had to do it without our little boy. When a family moves, the whole families goes. They don't leave behind anyone. But the only part of Liam that got to move were his things and his urn. To pack up his corner took a lot of strength. To pick up his urn and transport it to the new house sent me right back to when we picked it up from the funeral home. I started spiraling emotionally. We also had to go through boxes that were in storage and found more of his things that were put away before he passed away. At one point I started crying and had to walk away. There's only so much pain one heart can handle. We shouldn't have to go through our dead child's things to decide what stays and what goes. Then again we shouldn't even have a dead child. I say it that way because I want you to really feel the pain. Or maybe it's just me. Saying he passed away is like trying to soften the blow for people when the word dead is like a slap to the face. It can't be ignored.
I knew moving without Liam would be extremely hard. I just didn't expect it to be so soul breaking. I didn't anticipate having to go through his things or finding stuff stashed away. His shelf was to be set up but his boxed belongings were to be stored in the office closet, as is. That's not at all how it worked out. We've been here three weeks and have so much more unpacking to do.
I know that we have to live but living after the loss is so hard. He should be here enjoying the room to run and exploring. We know that we have to find our way. This move is supposed to help us. I can honestly say that despite the few breakdowns we've all had over Liam, that there's change happening in all of us.
We're still not completely unpacked. Not even halfway. We unpacked enough to "survive" then the unpacking just stopped. For the first time since we first got married, it looks like we're living a minimalistic lifestyle and I gotta say it's actually working for us. Our lives feel less cluttered, physically and emotionally. It's almost like having less stuff is helping us process our own thoughts and feelings.
Our house is staying cleaner. Things aren't just littering every surface or the floor. I'm not constantly having to pick up after everyone. I have more time to focus on the things that make me happy. Only I have no idea what that is anymore and instead of concentrating on whatever that may be, I'm having to concentrate on my health because it's seems to only be getting worse.
Yes I still have Fibromyalgia. Yes it's still a pain in the, everywhere. I know my limits with it, and admittedly I always over do it. About a month ago I was diagnosed with something new. Itersistal Cystitis. A very painful problem with my bladder that has just seemed to get worse this last few months. You know how they say 'when life gives you lemons, make lemon aide?'. Well with IC you don't want to consume anything with lemons in it. It's a good thing Lanie went off to camp this last week so she didn't have to see me absolutely miserable and in bed all week. I spent this week in so much pain and trying new medications and peeing blood. I know TMI but this really is serious and if there's something I do consistently, it's spread awareness.
Speaking of Lanie, shes having an absolute blast at christian camp. She called Tuesday and said she loved it. Sunday she's getting baptized. She's starting her own journey with God and we couldn't be prouder of her.
