Grief Journal: Faith

24) Has your faith changed?

Right after my son passed I away, I was really confused. I struggled with my faith. I questioned everything. As I worked through my grief my faith became stronger. Because God sent his only son to die on the cross for us, I will be reunited with my son in heaven. If God loved us that much, then there is no way he would just take my son from me and cause me so much pain.

Now life is about trying to stay on the path that God wants me on and surviving every day that comes my way until I reunite with my son in heaven. I will miss him every second of every day, but I still have a life to live and God's plan to follow. Having faith doesn't make this an easy journey but it reminds me that I'm not alone. It reminds that even though it's hard right now, it won't always be that way.


Click here for the entire list of Journal prompts.

Seven

My sweet, silly little boy. To say I miss you would be an understatement. Today you would have turned 7 years old. I'm sure we would have planned a grand party for you. Ninja Turtles, pirates, sharks, who knows what you would have wanted. I bet your speech would have greatly improved. I bet your feeding tube would have been out this year. I'm sure you'd still be making silly faces at me, wanting cuddles and begging for yet another hot wheels.

This will be the third birthday of yours we've celebrated without you. It's harsh. Every year we try to figure out what we'll do to remember and honor you. Every year we are both angry and sad your not here. You'd be going into the 2nd grade if you were here. How crazy is that? We've done so many new things since you've been gone and with each one we thought of you. We'd talk about how much you'd like whatever we were doing and how fun it would be to have you with us. I'd give up all the new experiences just to race hot wheels with you again.

 Until the day come when we can see you again, hold you again, we are trying to make each day here count. Trying to give your sister great memories. Trying to change the world just a little bit before it's our time. We love you so much little lamb. <3 p="">

To learn more about Liam's story click here 

To watch Liam's memorial video click here

To check out our CDH awareness page, click the Shooting for Liam tab at the top.

To check out our child loss awareness and nonprofit page click the Sent from Heaven tab at the top.

Grief Journal: The Only One

23) What do you do when you feel like you're the only one grieving?

More often than not, I feel like I am the only one grieving the loss of my son Liam. I also know for a fact that I am the ONLY one grieving the loss of the twins my first pregnancy. A lot of people just sweep the fact that you miscarried under the rug like it's something you should be ashamed of. Something your not allowed to talk about. A lot of people believe that it wasn't even a life when you miscarry in the early stages. I think about my twins all the time like I think of Liam. What would they look like?, how hard would it have been to care for two babies at the same time and so on.

For my 3 babies in heaven (Liam and the twins), I have this handle holder thats 3 kids holding hands as if to be playing ring around the rosie, around a candle. I've imagined the 3 of them in heaven doing so so many times. For Liam I have his urn, shelf set up and a candle with his picture on it.

But when I feel alone in my grief, I keep to myself. I write in a journal or blog. I look through his pictures and videos. I cry a lot. I even buy little things when I find them that remind me of him for his shelf.

There's no exact science to what I do when I feel alone. I've also been known to reach out to those that loved him just to try to not feel alone. And when all else fails, I do something for myself. I buy a new Rae Dunn piece, or letter board. I treat myself to something sugary even though it'll make me sick. I color and draw. And my favorite is cuddling with my cat.

Click here for the entire list of journal prompts.

Grief Journal: Common Quotes

22) Pick a common well-meaning quote someone has said to you. Do you believe that it's true? Why or why not?

"At least you can have another child"

JUST NO! There is so much wrong with this saying. Yea the person saying means well. They're not out to crush  your heart (at least I hope not) but it still does. For me I actually can't have anymore children. I had my tubes tied when I had Liam and suffered a uterine rupture while pregnant with him. To get pregnant again it would be high risk to that baby and to me. Also what are you thinking when you say this? Surely your not thinking having another baby would replace the child I lost right? Because that's impossible. Even if I had another baby, Liam would still be gone and I'd still miss him and my heart would still be missing a piece. There is NO getting over the loss of your child. There is only learning to live each day without them until you see them again in Heaven.

I know from first hand experience that having another child after losing one does not take the place of the one you lost. My first pregnancy I was pregnant with twins. I didn't even know I was pregnant until I miscarried one of them one night after a long walk. I immediately got in to see a doctor to find that I was still pregnant with the remaining baby. They said it happens. I cried my eyes out. Yes I was finally  going to get to be a mom, but one of my babies would always be gone. 3 weeks later I miscarried the second twin. There was no reason for it, it just happened. 2 months later I became pregnant with my daughter Lanie and delivered a happy healthy baby girl. Shes 10 1/2 now. The twins would be 11 years old now. 12 in November/December.

Lanie has been such a great kid. I miss those late night bottle feeds as I rocked her and sung her back to sleep but she never took the place of the babies I lost because she was her own self. As a mom who has lost children, I always think of them. Holidays and special occasions are the worst because I know I should be wrangling up 4 kiddos and not just the 1. I am a mom of four. No other child can take the place of the ones I lost.

Click Here for the entire list of journal prompts.

Big Moves

We did it. We finally moved to our new house. It's been a week of moving everything over and cleaning out the old house, followed by four weeks of trying to settle into the new place. It feels so strange. Like there are two realities and I'm stuck between them, unsure which one is real. It feels like we're meant to be here yet like we don't deserve this.

It's a bigger, better house, on a better side of town with better schools for our daughter. We're waiting for the shoe to drop and for this to be taken from us like everything else that makes us happy. I guess that's how you feel after you've gone through what we have and suffered like we have.

This move was a hard one. We had to do it without our little boy. When a family moves, the whole families goes. They don't leave behind anyone. But the only part of Liam that got to move were his things and his urn. To pack up his corner took a lot of strength. To pick up his urn and transport it to the new house sent me right back to when we picked it up from the funeral home. I started spiraling emotionally. We also had to go through boxes that were in storage and found more of his things that were put away before he passed away. At one point I started crying and had to walk away. There's only so much pain one heart can handle. We shouldn't have to go through our dead child's things to decide what stays and what goes. Then again we shouldn't even have a dead child. I say it that way because I want you to really feel the pain. Or maybe it's just me. Saying he passed away is like trying to soften the blow for people when the word dead is like a slap to the face. It can't be ignored.

I knew moving without Liam would be extremely hard. I just didn't expect it to be so soul breaking. I didn't anticipate having to go through his things or finding stuff stashed away. His shelf was to be set up but his boxed belongings were to be stored in the office closet, as is. That's not at all how it worked out. We've been here three weeks and have so much more unpacking to do.

I know that we have to live but living after the loss is so hard. He should be here enjoying the room to run and exploring. We know that we have to find our way. This move is supposed to help us. I can honestly say that despite the few breakdowns we've all had over Liam, that there's change happening in all of us.

We're still not completely unpacked. Not even halfway. We unpacked enough to "survive" then the unpacking just stopped. For the first time since we first got married, it looks like we're living a minimalistic lifestyle and I gotta say it's actually working for us. Our lives feel less cluttered, physically and emotionally. It's almost like having less stuff is helping us process our own thoughts and feelings.

Our house is staying cleaner. Things aren't just littering every surface or the floor. I'm not constantly having to pick up after everyone. I have more time to focus on the things that make me happy. Only I have no idea what that is anymore and instead of concentrating on whatever that may be, I'm having to concentrate on my health because it's seems to only be getting worse.

Yes I still have Fibromyalgia. Yes it's still a pain in the, everywhere. I know my limits with it, and admittedly I always over do it. About a month ago I was diagnosed with something new. Itersistal Cystitis. A very painful problem with my bladder that has just seemed to get worse this last few months. You know how they say 'when life gives you lemons, make lemon aide?'. Well with IC you don't want to consume anything with lemons in it. It's a good thing Lanie went off to camp this last week so she didn't have to see me absolutely miserable and in bed all week. I spent this week in so much pain and trying new medications and peeing blood. I know TMI but this really is serious and if there's something I do consistently, it's spread awareness.

Speaking of Lanie, shes having an absolute blast at christian camp. She called Tuesday and said she loved it. Sunday she's getting baptized. She's starting her own journey with God and we couldn't be prouder of her.

More Than Normal

Normal.

Normal was what we tried to give Liam. We wanted him to do normal boy things like play in the mud and climb trees. I swore one day I'd be taking him to ER for a normal broken arm instead of breathing or feeding problems. We tried so very hard to give him a "normal" life. I realize now that his life was anything but normal. It was so much MORE than normal. It was EXTRAORDINARY.

Liam taught us how to be strong. He was the strongest little boy I have ever known. He didn't fit in. He stood out. Like the brightest star in the sky. His smile shone brighter than the sun and when you saw it you couldn't help but smile too. His eyes would light up, as if there were actual lights behind his eyes, when he saw something he loved. He wasn't meant to fit in and get lost in the crowd. He was meant to shine and shine he did.

Liam shone so brightly until his last breath. He shone so brightly that his memory still shines in our hearts and in our memories. He was loved beyond measure, no he is still loved beyond measure.

I had so many fears for him, yet he was fearless. I was afraid he wouldn't fit in with the other kids at school but it was so much more. He stood out and yet they still loved him. He was proud of his differences and spread awareness in his own way. He loved showing off his Gtube. When he started having breathing issues and was back on oxygen, I wanted to keep him home. I was scared. Liam wasn't. He walked into that room as if nothing was different. Everyone had questions so I explained. One little boy said "so hes like an astronaut!" Liam's differences were celebrated. He was accepted despite them because he shone so brightly.

I was stupid to think normal was for Liam. He was so much more than normal. He was EXTRAORDINARY.

To quote Peter Pan "To live will be an awfully BIG adventure". Liam's life was an adventure. Every day, all day, he was exploring the world around him. Flying like Superman. Exploring the stars like an astronaut. Racing. The world was whatever he created it to be. He lived a huge life of adventure and love. A life fuller than most who live a long life. That's what I try to hold on too. Life is short and I want to live life like Liam did, for him. For me. 

Grief Journal: Priorities

21) Have your priorities changed since you lost your child?

Before Liam passed away my main goal was to keep him as healthy as possible. That was  my top priority. My second was to give him as normal a life as possible. It was extremely important that despite his many medical issues, that he be a normal boy and experience normal things.

Playing in the mud.
Going to races.
Going to school.
Having birthday parties.

(October 2015 Pumpkin Decorating)

Those are just to name a few. I didn't want him to feel any different than any other boy his age. I also wanted him to not be ashamed of his differences like:

His feeding tube (which he enjoyed showing EVERYONE).
His nasal cannula and oxygen (the kids at school said he was cool like an astronaut).
His frequent meds and breathing treatments.....
and more.

(November 2015 After having to go to school with his oxygen)

I would say that I succeeded greatly. Or that WE (my husband, daughter and I) succeeded greatly because it really was a team effort.

(2014)

However almost every minute of every day was planned out and busy. Even "free time". His schedule always came first. It was always TOP priority. His health was always TOP priority. We'd drop whatever we had to at a moments notice to rush to Valley Children's ER. Bags stayed packed with what I donned our hospital gear. Everything was meticulously planned out and there was always a back up plan.

When Liam passed I became lost. Even to this day 2 1/2 years later, I can look at the clock and tell you what I'd be doing if Liam were alive. Since his passing all our priorities changed. Yea we knew we could lose him in the blink of an eye because of what we went through in NICU and his first two years. As the years went by it became less and less likely though that it would happen. Then it did. We got a quick lesson in how quickly our lives could be over and one of us could be gone. That changed a lot of things for us, including our priorities.

Our main priority now is to give our daughter a better life. To enjoy life more than we did before and experiencing things we couldn't do because of Liam's health. We started kayaking as a part of this new outlook on life. I can tell you with almost perfect certanty that if Liam were here, we probably never would have even tried kayaking because it would have compromised his health and well being, plus my sanity because to have MY crazy wild little boy on a kayak would drive me to insanity with worry.

(August 2017 Justin, Lanie and I relaxing on the kayaks)

We try to work to enjoy life more versus work to pay bills only. I can say our lives did a complete 360. To be honest that's the only major priority.

Now I would trade it all back for my son in a hot second if I could.

Click Here for the entire list of journal prompts.

Grief Journal: What Have Your Learnt?

19) What have you learnt about yourself through the loss of your child?

Close your eyes and envision your babies. Feel the love you have for them overfill your soul. Now imagine losing one. Having to bury one. Imagine the pain, the heartbreak, even your soul shattering. Now know that the actual pain of losing a child is 10 thousand times worse than that. They say that you can actually die of broken heart syndrome, something that happens when you loose a loved one.

I learnt that you can live and breathe despite the pain of losing your child. It's difficult to say the least but it is possible. I learnt that you can still have a life. No it's not the life you imagined with your baby, but you can still live and even be happy. 


Click Here for the entire list of journal prompts.

Grief Journal: Word Cloud

18) Create a word cloud, print it or paste it in your paper journal or on your blog. You can use Wordle or Tagxedo.

I used wordclouds.com

 

 

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Grief Journal: Goals

17) Make a list of goals for yourself that you hope to accomplish by a year form now or what you would like to be different in a year.


*Move
*Spend time on an old hobby
*Buy something for myself that I don't need but want anyway
*Start walking every day
*Find a new job


For the entire list of journal prompts click here

Grief Journal: Acrostic Poem

16) Write an acrostic poem using your child's name.

Loving 

Imaginative 

Amazing

Miracle

Click here for the entire list of journal prompts.

Grief Journal: Letter to Liam

15) Write a letter to your child...


Dear Liam,
I miss your smile. I miss your laugh. I miss our cuddles and watching crazy animal videos with you. I miss reading "I love you Stinky Face" to you every night and "arguing" about which one of us is stinky face.

I miss how you use to climb on the back of the couch and lay there like the cats. How  you use to hang upside down from it and laugh. I miss how you use to stick your feet in my face and tell me to smell them and then laugh when I said your feet were stinky even when they weren't.

I miss singing the night night song to you. Lanie hasn't let me sing it to her since you passed. I miss watching you and Lanie play and laugh. She misses you too. It hurts her so much. Everyone misses you.

I will always love you. I can't stop. I don't want to stop. It's been 2 years sweet boy. 2 Years since I held you. 2 years and I haven't stopped grieving. I haven't come to terms with your passing. Maybe it's because I feel guilty like I shouldn't stop. But I need to find a better way to balance this grief and this life because I have to continue living.

When my time goes and I get to Heaven, I hope that you'll be waiting at the gates for me. I hope that you won't be mad I chose to see this life to the end and try to make a small difference in this world. I love you sweet boy and I will always love you. If I could change things, I would. I would have you here with me in an instant if it were possible but I have to come to terms that your gone. The only hope I have is that I will see you again. I love you sweet boy, always and forever.

3> mommy

(taken and edited October 2011)

Grief Journal: Plan Something

14) Plan something in honor of your child on a day that means something.

There are so many dates that hold unmeasurable amounts of meaning. 

Liam's birthday 7/14/2011: I spend the day every year surrounded by those that loved him and love us. 

7/21/2011: The day Liam had his repair surgery. Also my birthday. Having him survive the surgery was the best present I ever received. It meant he would have a chance at a life. It looks like I'm celebrating my birthday every year but in reality I'm celebrating that day.

12/15/2015: The day our sweet boy passed away. Last December was 2 years. Every year I just try to survive the day. 

March 25th-31st: CDH awareness week. Since 2012 I've been organizing picnics and balloon releases. Last year was the first year that I didn't do so. This year I'm unsure if we will be doing anything. 

Christmas Toy Drive: since 2012 I've been organizing toy drives to benefit Valley Children's hospital. I gathers items then deliver them right before Christmas. This year I'm revamping the drive and choosing 1 type of item to donate in hopes that we can be more successful for the 2018 year.

Grief Journal: Bucket List

13) Write a bucket list.

To write a bucket list would be to look into the future and that's been the hardest thing for me because the future doesn't have my son. There were a million things I wanted to do before I lost my son. Now trying to think of things is difficult. As I sat here writing my bucket list, I cried. And I laughed at some.

I want to see the non profit I co-founded, Sent from Heaven, grow and develop chapters all over the US.

I want to see the day SfH reaches 500 baskets handed to families who have lost their babies.

I want to be able to hug a grieving mother and tell her it'll be ok. That it hurts now, and will always hurt to some extent, but that life is still worth living. And I want to mean it with every fiber of my being.

I want a fresh start. A new home. As hard as it'll be to move to a house my son never lived. I know that he will forever live in my heart and always be with me no matter where I move. In order to pick up all the pieces of my life and start building a new one I know that I have to move. These walls are closing in on me. I still see Liam running through the house. I hear his laugh echo off the walls. I need a new beginning.

I want to get my depression, anxiety and PTSD under control. I want to be healthy and pain free.

I want to rediscover all the things that I once loved. I want to find a passion again. I want to find my happy.

Click here for the entire list of Journal prompts.

Grief Journal: Meaningful Quote

12) What quote or scripture has been meaningful or comforting? Why?

Even in my darkest hour I know God never left me. If  he had, all hope would have been lost and hope was never lost. He is the only reason I've been able to find the strength to carry on and when I don't have the strength he carries me. 



Click here for the entire list of journal prompts.

Grief Journal: Liam's Story

11) Tell your child story in 100 words or less.

Liam was born with CDH but he was a fighter. He never let his diagnosis define him. He was a very happy little boy who loved life more than anything. His passing was sudden and shattered us. He will forever live in our hearts. I will never forget his smile or his laugh.

Click here for the entire list of journal prompts.

Grief Journal: Secondary Losses

10) What are some secondary losses to the loss of your child?

When we lost Liam we lost an entire future. Christmases, Birthdays, watching him grow. We don't get to watch him graduate high school or college. We don't get to see him fall in love and get married. We don't get to spoil his children because he doesn't get to have any.

 I lost being a stay at home mom. I loved being able to spend all my time with my kids. Yes Liam's medical issues were extremely time consuming and mentally exhausting, but it was worth it. He was worth it. He was my reason and when we passed away I lost myself. Two years later and I'm still trying to figure out who I am. Now days I'm just trying to keep busy, keep my mind occupied so I don't go crazy.

Even then I question my own sanity. I feel as if I'm losing it. I remember him running through the house laughing and using my couch as a slide. Just today I was cleaning out the cabinet above the oven and found the very baby bottle I filled with water for him the day I rushed him to Urgent Care to try to get fluids in him. The day he passed away. I was immediately engulfed in a flash back. I was right back there. It feels like it just happened. So not only do I feel like I'm losing my sanity but like I'm losing my future. I don't know what I want out of life anymore or what I want to do with it. I feel stuck. I'm a mom with no baby to hold in her arms.

When I was pregnant with Liam I suffered a uterine rupture. Because of this it's too dangerous for me to be pregnant again. Because I lost my baby, and I'm a mom without a baby now, I'm now mourning the inability to have another. If I could turn back time I would find a way to save my son. If I could turn back time I would change my decision to have my tubes tied. I can't so I'm just stuck.



Click here for the entire list of journal prompts.

Grief Journal: Hurtful Words

9) Some well-meaning but hurtful things people have said or done are....

"It's part of God's plan"

No. No it's not. God is not vengeful. He sees all and knows all and weighs the options before choosing the right path. Yes he could have saved Liam but what would have been the price? Would that outcome have been worse? Only God knows. My child was not taken by God. 

"At least you can have another"

For starters one child does not and can not replace another. Lanie did not replace the twins I miscarried. No other child can replace my Liam. Second, no I cannot have any more children. I suffered a uterine rupture during my pregnancy with Liam so it's too dangerous to try. My tubes are tied and I'm facing a hysterectomy due to health issues.

"You need to move on"

Imagine your life without one of your children. Can you? Can you imagine how you'd feel if one of your kids died? The heart ache that would follow? There is no moving on from losing a child. There is only trying to live each day with a whole in  your heart. 

"You lost a kid? Yea I know how that feels. I lost my grandpa (dad, mom or substitute anything here)"

I too have lost a grandparent and a parent. It's NOTHING and I mean NOTHING like losing a child. Your child. 

"At least you have your daughter"

Again one child does NOT EVER replace another. EVER.

Click here for the entire list of journal prompts.

Grief Journal: The Things I'd Like To Say

8) If I Could Tell My Child Something I Would Say...

You were perfect.

I love you more than I have or will love anyone.

I needed you more than I needed air.

I miss you more anyone could possibly miss someone.

I wish you were here.

I miss our lunch dates.

I miss listening to you talk.

Your smiles and your laughter kept me going.

Every second with you was worth it.

I'd do it all over again to have you.

If I could have saved you,

I would have.

Click here for the entire list of journal prompts.

Time

Whoever said "time heals all wounds" never lost a child. Time cannot heal all wounds, but God can.

We're coming up on Liam's second angelversary and third Christmas without him. If I were to tell you that two years after loss that all will be fine, it would be a lie and I won't lie to you. To be truthful, it gets worse. That may seem daunting to you if your just starting this journey of life after the loss of a child but keep reading. 

It's the holidays without him that are the worst. I'm not sure if it's worse for us because the holidays and his angelversary are compounded on top of each other. I believe that it must be because we survive Valentines Day, Easter, and 4th of July with more "grace". The first Christmas without our Liam there were no smiles, no laughter and no enjoyment. If we hadn't of already decorated when he passed then we wouldn't have.

The second Christmas without him the numbness wore off and it was like a knife being driven into our hearts.There were fake smiles when we could muster them. Everything was a blur and we were like robots just doing things we normally did because that's what was expected of us.

This year, our third Christmas without Liam, I'm prepared. I threw up the tree as soon as I felt the depression setting in. We knocked out our Christmas shopping knowing that I would be basically useless the closer it got to Liam's angelversary. They're even mostly wrapped. The only thing we haven't been able to do is muster the energy to put up the outside lights. We're so sad this year that we even skipped the Christmas parade. We have moments when we cry. Moments when we laugh. Moments when we're just there. Moments when we're fully engaged in life. It's this constant ache in your heart that never goes away. A pain you can live with but always hurts. 

There are moments it feels like the air is sucked out of the room. Moments when the pain is so great you think surely your heart will stop at any moment. At our one year mark, I still wasn't sure I would survive the loss of my son. At nearly the two year mark and I know I'll survive it but I still have moments I think my heart will stop. We went from not being able to even see a future to now planning for the future again. It may only be a few months ahead but it's a start. There's hope because we believe God will heal our broken hearts.

I believe that you need a reason to keep living after the loss of a child. Sometimes that pain is so great that the fact that you have another isn't enough reason to want to live. Losing Liam broke me into so many pieces that I couldn't put myself back together again. Daily, hourly, I prayed to either die or be healed. When Liam was born sick, I thought I had found my reason for life. Taking care of him so that he could do something amazing and change the world. My reason for living was ripped from me when he passed but God gave me another reason. Another path. Using my own pain and story to help others through their loss. I share my personal journey here with you in hopes that it will help someone out there. 

I also co-founded a non-profit ministry, Sent from Heaven. Together my co-founder Amanda (who had the brilliant idea for SfH) and I spread awareness, put together care packages and share our stories and resources with other families going through this journey. Having a purpose, something to throw yourself into is important. At first it's a distraction then it becomes your mission and then one day you wake up and you've changed. Your pain has changed. If it wasn't for SfH, I don't know where I'd be right  now and I don't want to think about it. 

Nearly two years later and nearly every laugh is genuine. I still have bad days, days I don't even want to get out of bed, but it's changing. I have hope  now, where before I had none.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18