Grief Journal: Plan Something

14) Plan something in honor of your child on a day that means something.

There are so many dates that hold unmeasurable amounts of meaning. 

Liam's birthday 7/14/2011: I spend the day every year surrounded by those that loved him and love us. 

7/21/2011: The day Liam had his repair surgery. Also my birthday. Having him survive the surgery was the best present I ever received. It meant he would have a chance at a life. It looks like I'm celebrating my birthday every year but in reality I'm celebrating that day.

12/15/2015: The day our sweet boy passed away. Last December was 2 years. Every year I just try to survive the day. 

March 25th-31st: CDH awareness week. Since 2012 I've been organizing picnics and balloon releases. Last year was the first year that I didn't do so. This year I'm unsure if we will be doing anything. 

Christmas Toy Drive: since 2012 I've been organizing toy drives to benefit Valley Children's hospital. I gathers items then deliver them right before Christmas. This year I'm revamping the drive and choosing 1 type of item to donate in hopes that we can be more successful for the 2018 year.

Breaking Down

9/19/2012 Life through the bars. Liam's 13th hospital stay at just 14 months.

Just when I start to grasp some resemblance of "put together" a video pops up and I lose what little grip I have. Life isn't fair. In fact it sucks. I'm angry and hurt. It's been a rough month. I've tried to hold myself together but the glue just won't hold. Last week my iPad broke. It just turned itself off. After dealing with Apple support, they came to the conclusion that it had a hardware malfunction. I have no warranty because it ended last year so it could cost me $299 to fix it if it's fixable or I have to outright buy a new one which is like $600 for the same one. Stay with me here because I promise I have a point to this ridiculous "my iPad broke" story.

I didn't realize before it broke how much I actually depended on this thing. You see I have really bad anxiety. I have games and books on that thing that help me keep it under control. Sounds stupid I know but if you suffer from anxiety, you know how serious this is. I also HAVE to read every night before bed. There's no, and I mean NO way I can not. If I don't then I can't sleep. Not even kidding here. Since it broke, I've had to result in reading books on my iPhone, which isn't the XL. Hey at least it works.

This iPad though I also use to run my online businesses. I'm an It Works distributor as well as have my own online boutique. All info for both were on said broken iPad. I also manage and post to Liam's Facebook page as well as Shooting for Liam and Sent from Heaven. It's also the only device I used to check all my emails. Basically my whole life was on that thing and now its a pile of junk.

What frustrates me even more though is that fact that all the games I downloaded for Liam are on there. Sure I could re-download them on a different device but all his progress is lost forever. He passed away so it's not like he could just re-do it all. When you lose a kid, you tend to hang on to as much of them as you can for as long as you can. At least the pictures and videos I had on the iPad were backed up on the cloud as well as an external hard drive.

So since said iPad has died on me, I've been on edge to say the least. Then came yesterday, the hay that broke the camels back. First my car battery was dyeing on me and had to be replaced before it left me stranded. Then I hang my brand new letterboard on the wall on a hook that's been holding something heavier for years now, and not 5 minutes later it crashed to the floor bouncing off the counter then shattering into a bunch of tiny pieces. The frame is a goner. That's when I lost it, something that was unavoidable apparently because I couldn't stop it for anything.

I found myself alone, hiding under the blankets on my bed, crying. When I could finally hold myself together I got up for something. That's when I found the cat scratching up my brand new purse that my aunt had just given me for my birthday. Again, I lost it. Like seriously WTF?!?! Now that you've got an idea of how this last week has been, imagine two month of crap like that blindsiding you. Sucks right? So here's the hook I promised you....

My melt down wasn't even about any of those things. Sure I'm upset about all of it (especially that iPad) but did it deserve an all out sobbing melt down? On it's own no. But coupled with what I'm going through, hell yes!

My husband commented "Hey it's ok. It can all be replaced". Innocent enough. My reason?

"Oh we can just go replace my letterboard? With what? Oh yea like I have $299 laying around to fix my iPad. Sure why not. Lets go do that! What about my son? Can't replace him!"

And there it is folks. The root of the problem. My son whom I lost and can't replace. The one that I miss every second of every day.

Today was rough but I barely had myself put together. The hold was fragile. Then a video popped up of Liam 2 years ago today and again I can feel myself being pulled under water just like that. That's child loss. Every day I live with ups and downs. Some days are better than others but I never stop missing Liam.

Click here to see the video of Liam talking. 9/19/2015
Click here to see a video of Liam laughing 9/19//2012

21 Months Later

Photo's taken September 18, 2013

I've been trying to concentrate on planning our second annual Halloween party and all the fun things I want to do next month with Buggie. Truth is, it's all just a distraction. A distraction from the fact that, yet again, Liam will not be with us for any of the upcoming holidays. Planning things usually helps me keep my mind off of the sadness but it's hit me like a ton of bricks. I can feel depression grabbing my ankle and trying to pull me under the waters I've been trying so hard to keep my head above. I want to do all the things we weren't able to do when Liam was here because he was always too sick. I want them for my daughter. But I also want to do nothing but stay curled up in bead in sweat pants and hide from the world. Every day is a battle. Some days easier than other days. Still I put a smile on my face and continue on even when I don't feel that smile. It'll be two years in December. People will say things like "you need to move on" or "you need to get over it". What they don't understand is there's no moving on from the loss of a child. You carry it in your heart and in your soul until your reunited. There is no moving on. Losing a child is nothing like breaking up with a crappy boyfriend. You feel the loss of a child every day in everything you do. When your walking through the house and your no longer stepping on hotwheel and trains. When your doing the laundry and there clothes are no longer there to be washed. When your making dinner and there's one less person to feed. When you go somewhere fun like the fair and you and your husband turn to look at each other and say that you feel you've forgotten something but you haven't forgotten a thing. Your just missing a child. I wish I could hold my little lamb and tell him how much I love him. I wish I could smother him in kisses and play cars with him. It never goes away.

❤️💙Liam❤️💙

Child loss awareness month is October. Please help spread awareness. If you have an angel, feel free to share their name so we can pray for the when we light our candles on the 15th for the wave of light.

#childlossawareness #cdhawareness #pulmonaryembolism #littlelamb#alwaysmybaby

Heavy Heart

When Liam passed, my world shattered. 

I didn't just loose him. 

I lost a life time that we should have had. 

Christmases. 

Watching the ball drop. 

Holidays.

Making treats for his class. 

Watching him learn to ride a bike without training wheels. 

Birthdays. 

In just one month, it will be Liam's birthday. 

A day we should have celebrated with cake and presents. 

Family and friends. 

Smiles and laughter. 

But we lost all that the instant his heart stopped beating. 

Instead of a lifetime of making memories and watched him grow, we have a lifetime ahead of us of pain and heartbreak.

Of what ifs and whys. 

It's a pain you can't understand unless you've gone through it. 

It's breaks your heart. 

Feels like your hearts in a vice.

It rips your soul to shreds until you can barely see the light, if at all most days. 

It breaks you like nothing else can. 

The pieces lay there, but you'll never pick them all up. 

You'll never put them all back together. 

There will always be something missing. 

For me, that's Liam. 

My son never made it to 5 years old.

I always said when he turned 5 that we were going to have a huge party to celebrate his life and how far he'd come. 

But he never made it. 

Because of CDH. 

Because CDH caused his lungs to be weak and his immune system to struggle. 

Because he couldn't fight off a virus that wouldn't harm a healthy person. 

A virus that was basically your common cold. 

Because of CDH his little body couldn't fight it and it turned into a blood infection and a pulmonary embolism that took him away from us. 

I can't tell you how much I hate CDH for what it's done to our lives. 

To our son. 

I should be planning a party for my little lamb.

But instead I'm sitting here crying afraid of what that day will bring. 

One day post op from repair surgery. Liam was 8 days old. http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2012/07/looking-back-72211.html 

A look back on Liam's first year http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2012/07/rewind.html 

First cuddles 

http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2014/07/first-cuddles-72811.html

First family photo http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2014/07/first-cuddles-72811.html

Bringing Liam home from NICU 

http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2012/08/bringing-bbay-homea-year-ago-today.html

Liam's first Christmas Eve http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2011/12/bryants-special-christmas-eve.html 

Liam's first Christmas http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2011/12/blessed-christmas.html

Liam's first New Years 

http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2011/12/blessed-christmas.html

Almost 6 months old http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2012/01/almost-6-months.html

First trip to Build A Bear http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2012/01/first-trip-to-build-bear-workshop.html 

6 months old http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2012/01/6-months-old-today.html

First trip to church http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2012/01/1st-trip-to-church.html 

11 month old pictures http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2012/06/11-months-old.html

Liam's 1 year photos http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2012/07/liams-one-year-pictures.html

Liam's 1st birthday party http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2012/07/we-made-it.html

First trip to the pumpkin patch 

http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2012/10/liams-first-trip-to-pumpkin-patch.html

Liam's 2 year photos http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2013/07/take-1.html

Liam's 2nd birthday 

http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2013/07/liams-2nd-birthday-pt-1.html

Looking back at Liam's 2nd year so far http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2013/11/joyful-and-triumphant.html

2013 in review http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2014/01/2013-in-review.html

1 day post op medoport removal 

http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2014/07/1-day-post-op-medi-port-removal.html

Almost 3 years old http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2014/07/3-days-till-3.html 

Liam's 1st thanksgiving class party. His first year of preschool http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2014/11/liam-1st-thanksgiving-class-party.html

Liam's 4th (and last) birthday 

http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2015/07/4.html

Liam's 1st and 2nd day of Preschooo (year 2) 

http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2015/08/liam-1st-and-2nd-day-of-preschool.html

Liam's last school picture day http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2015/10/picture-day-and-more.html

Stomping in puddles 

http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2015/10/stomping-puddles.html

The beginning of the end http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2015/10/fighting-uphill-battle.html

Continuing to fight 

http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2015/10/x-rays-and-o2.html

The day we lost him 

http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2015/12/the-loss.html

There is so much about his life not posted on this blog, but one day at a time, there will be more to tell.