3 years ago today was the first time I ever held Liam in my arms. I had waited so long and felt it would never be possible. But it was possible and exactly what I needed that night more than anything in the entire world. And once I held him I didn't want to put him back. But as exciting as it was to hold my dear sweet little 5 lb 18 day old baby the memory will forever be marred and tattooed on my brain forever. If you look at the top view of him you can see why but for those you don't see I'll elaborate. Liam wasn't ready to fly. They had just taken the feeding tube out and put him on cpap. He wasn't ready. And even though after a mere 5 min cuddling my son we had no choice put to put him back in his beg and call for respiratory. Liam wasn't getting adequate oxygen and was turning blue, slowly suffocating. A nightmare I still get to this day. They tried a different setting but before 24 hours on cpap he had to go back to the breathing tube. He just wasn't ready. A few shaky breathes later and I resigned myself to be ok with that. To accept it because there was not else I could do and I'd rather have him here with me than not. I realized then that fear can be just as strong as love. And just like love it can over take you completely even over ride love if your not careful. My love meant more than my fear. I let my love for him shine through every minute of everyday hoping that he would feel it and fight harder. I thank God everyday. 3 Yeats ago today and I still cherish every hug, kiss and cuddle as if it was the first. #cdh #cdhsucks #ihatecdh #survivor #love
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