You know how God always provides? Somehow we always find out way out of the sink hole that the bills cause. Last week I was freaking out over our electric bill that was due and wasn't eligible for an extension (yea not having my paycheck all summer sucks! And only having half a check in August didn't help.) I missed a special charity dinner that I had planned for a month on going too. It was for a friends mom who lost everything including her beloved dog to a house fire. I made things for them to auction off at the dinner to raise money and I helped them put things together. I really was looking forward to seeing how it turned out for her. At last minute I just couldn't go.
I was scrambling around the house trying to figure out how I was going to pay that bill when my husband reminded me of all the change we had saved. You see, he doesn't like change at all. Thinks everything should be an even dollar amount. The change ended up going into a jar and untouched. I turned in the change and we ended up having enough to pay said bill.
The situation, all though stressful, reminded that God always provides. I know your thinking that no the saved up change was our doing but I don't choose to view it that way. I kept thinking through that whole ordeal and really all month long that if only I didn't have to wait until the end of this month to get paid for the extra work I did last month. We could have really used it. Yet besides being short pay, we still managed to get the bills paid, go to the fair, and replace my car battery that was dying. I feel pretty blessed.
Wednesday I had my one year evaluation for my job. This evaluation would say whether or not they would keep me as a permanent employee or let me go. Me always being the nervous person was well nervous. I walk in and not only did I get really good marks and kept as a permanent employee but I was also put on the list to take this test so that I could advance. I had said over and over again that I didn't want to be in food service, even with the school. That this was only temporary. It seems though God has other plans. I keep getting shoved into situations where I'm preparing and serving food. I'm not complaining. God provided me with a job that I needed. One that I could handle even with my anxiety and other health issues.
This made me think about what else God has provided for me.
-A affordable house. Even if I think it's too small sometimes, in all honestly what more do we need?
-We have 3 running vehicles.
-Jobs for both my husband and I.
And now to touch base on a touchy subject. When Liam was laying there in the ER as the staff worked on him to try and save him, I begged God to heal him. To take away his pain. Many of us prayed this very prayer. God provided Liam what was probably the only way to heal him 100%. That was to take him. Yes at this exact moment I am saying this. I'm not saying that I'm not angry he didn't just heal his body and let me keep my son. I'm not saying I'm not angry that the devil touched our lives to deeply and got away with it. I'm saying that I'm having a moment of clarity where I can see the good for Liam in this. I don't understand it, even a tiny bit. I never will.
Today after two days of darkness, I can see the light break through the clouds and feel the depression starting to lift. I feel like I'm wading in calm waters, unable to reach dry land but at least the storm isn't raging. After Liam passed away I was in a deep depression. The world seemed dull through my eyes. One day out of nowhere, the colors of the world were so bright they were almost blinding to look at. I was coming out of the depression. Today as I drove home I noticed again that the colors were brighter and the sun is shining brighter. It's all perception. Although my heart is still heavy, at least I'm not drowning.