Friday, September 22, 2017

God Provides

You know how God always provides? Somehow we always find out way out of the sink hole that the bills cause. Last week I was freaking out over our electric bill that was due and wasn't eligible for an extension (yea not having my paycheck all summer sucks! And only having half a check in August didn't help.) I missed a special charity dinner that I had planned for a month on going too. It was for a friends mom who lost everything including her beloved dog to a house fire. I made things for them to auction off at the dinner to raise money and I helped them put things together. I really was looking forward to seeing how it turned out for her. At last minute I just couldn't go.

I was scrambling around the house trying to figure out how I was going to pay that bill when my husband reminded me of all the change we had saved. You see, he doesn't like change at all. Thinks everything should be an even dollar amount. The change ended up going into a jar and untouched. I turned in the change and we ended up having enough to pay said bill. 

The situation, all though stressful, reminded that God always provides. I know your thinking that no the saved up change was our doing but I don't choose to view it that way. I kept thinking through that whole ordeal and really all month long that if only I didn't have to wait until the end of this month to get paid for the extra work I did last month. We could have really used it. Yet besides being short pay, we still managed to get the bills paid, go to the fair, and replace my car battery that was dying. I feel pretty blessed.

Wednesday I had my one year evaluation for my job. This evaluation would say whether or not they would keep me as a permanent employee or let me go. Me always being the nervous person was well nervous. I walk in and not only did I get really good marks and kept as a permanent employee but I was also put on the list to take this test so that I could advance. I had said over and over again that I didn't want to be in food service, even with the school. That this was only temporary. It seems though God has other plans. I keep getting shoved into situations where I'm preparing and serving food. I'm not complaining. God provided me with a job that I needed. One that I could handle even with my anxiety and other health issues. 

This made me think about what else God has provided for me. 

-A affordable house. Even if I think it's too small sometimes, in all honestly what more do we need?

-We have 3 running vehicles. 

-Jobs for both my husband and I.

And now to touch base on a touchy subject. When Liam was laying there in the ER as the staff worked on him to try and save him, I begged God to heal him. To take away his pain. Many of us prayed this very prayer. God provided Liam what was probably the only way to heal him 100%. That was to take him. Yes at this exact moment I am saying this. I'm not saying that I'm not angry he didn't just heal his body and let me keep my son. I'm not saying I'm not angry that the devil touched our lives to deeply and got away with it. I'm saying that I'm having a moment of clarity where I can see the good for Liam in this. I don't understand it, even a tiny bit. I never will. 

Today after two days of darkness, I can see the light break through the clouds and feel the depression starting to lift. I feel like I'm wading in calm waters, unable to reach dry land but at least the storm isn't raging. After Liam passed away I was in a deep depression. The world seemed dull through my eyes. One day out of nowhere, the colors of the world were so bright they were almost blinding to look at. I was coming out of the depression. Today as I drove home I noticed again that the colors were brighter and the sun is shining brighter. It's all perception. Although my heart is still heavy, at least I'm not drowning. 

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Breaking Down

9/19/2012 Life through the bars. Liam's 13th hospital stay at just 14 months.

Just when I start to grasp some resemblance of "put together" a video pops up and I lose what little grip I have. Life isn't fair. In fact it sucks. I'm angry and hurt. It's been a rough month. I've tried to hold myself together but the glue just won't hold. Last week my iPad broke. It just turned itself off. After dealing with Apple support, they came to the conclusion that it had a hardware malfunction. I have no warranty because it ended last year so it could cost me $299 to fix it if it's fixable or I have to outright buy a new one which is like $600 for the same one. Stay with me here because I promise I have a point to this ridiculous "my iPad broke" story.

I didn't realize before it broke how much I actually depended on this thing. You see I have really bad anxiety. I have games and books on that thing that help me keep it under control. Sounds stupid I know but if you suffer from anxiety, you know how serious this is. I also HAVE to read every night before bed. There's no, and I mean NO way I can not. If I don't then I can't sleep. Not even kidding here. Since it broke, I've had to result in reading books on my iPhone, which isn't the XL. Hey at least it works.

This iPad though I also use to run my online businesses. I'm an It Works distributor as well as have my own online boutique. All info for both were on said broken iPad. I also manage and post to Liam's Facebook page as well as Shooting for Liam and Sent from Heaven. It's also the only device I used to check all my emails. Basically my whole life was on that thing and now its a pile of junk.

What frustrates me even more though is that fact that all the games I downloaded for Liam are on there. Sure I could re-download them on a different device but all his progress is lost forever. He passed away so it's not like he could just re-do it all. When you lose a kid, you tend to hang on to as much of them as you can for as long as you can. At least the pictures and videos I had on the iPad were backed up on the cloud as well as an external hard drive.

So since said iPad has died on me, I've been on edge to say the least. Then came yesterday, the hay that broke the camels back. First my car battery was dyeing on me and had to be replaced before it left me stranded. Then I hang my brand new letterboard on the wall on a hook that's been holding something heavier for years now, and not 5 minutes later it crashed to the floor bouncing off the counter then shattering into a bunch of tiny pieces. The frame is a goner. That's when I lost it, something that was unavoidable apparently because I couldn't stop it for anything.

I found myself alone, hiding under the blankets on my bed, crying. When I could finally hold myself together I got up for something. That's when I found the cat scratching up my brand new purse that my aunt had just given me for my birthday. Again, I lost it. Like seriously WTF?!?! Now that you've got an idea of how this last week has been, imagine two month of crap like that blindsiding you. Sucks right? So here's the hook I promised you....

My melt down wasn't even about any of those things. Sure I'm upset about all of it (especially that iPad) but did it deserve an all out sobbing melt down? On it's own no. But coupled with what I'm going through, hell yes!

My husband commented "Hey it's ok. It can all be replaced". Innocent enough. My reason?

"Oh we can just go replace my letterboard? With what? Oh yea like I have $299 laying around to fix my iPad. Sure why not. Lets go do that! What about my son? Can't replace him!"

And there it is folks. The root of the problem. My son whom I lost and can't replace. The one that I miss every second of every day.

Today was rough but I barely had myself put together. The hold was fragile. Then a video popped up of Liam 2 years ago today and again I can feel myself being pulled under water just like that. That's child loss. Every day I live with ups and downs. Some days are better than others but I never stop missing Liam.

Click here to see the video of Liam talking. 9/19/2015
Click here to see a video of Liam laughing 9/19//2012

21 Months Later

Photo's taken September 18, 2013

I've been trying to concentrate on planning our second annual Halloween party and all the fun things I want to do next month with Buggie. Truth is, it's all just a distraction. A distraction from the fact that, yet again, Liam will not be with us for any of the upcoming holidays. Planning things usually helps me keep my mind off of the sadness but it's hit me like a ton of bricks. I can feel depression grabbing my ankle and trying to pull me under the waters I've been trying so hard to keep my head above. I want to do all the things we weren't able to do when Liam was here because he was always too sick. I want them for my daughter. But I also want to do nothing but stay curled up in bead in sweat pants and hide from the world. Every day is a battle. Some days easier than other days. Still I put a smile on my face and continue on even when I don't feel that smile. It'll be two years in December. People will say things like "you need to move on" or "you need to get over it". What they don't understand is there's no moving on from the loss of a child. You carry it in your heart and in your soul until your reunited. There is no moving on. Losing a child is nothing like breaking up with a crappy boyfriend. You feel the loss of a child every day in everything you do. When your walking through the house and your no longer stepping on hotwheel and trains. When your doing the laundry and there clothes are no longer there to be washed. When your making dinner and there's one less person to feed. When you go somewhere fun like the fair and you and your husband turn to look at each other and say that you feel you've forgotten something but you haven't forgotten a thing. Your just missing a child. I wish I could hold my little lamb and tell him how much I love him. I wish I could smother him in kisses and play cars with him. It never goes away.

Child loss awareness month is October. Please help spread awareness. If you have an angel, feel free to share their name so we can pray for the when we light our candles on the 15th for the wave of light.