Friday, December 1, 2017

Grief Journal: Hurtful Words

9) Some well-meaning but hurtful things people have said or done are....

"It's part of God's plan"
No. No it's not. God is not vengeful. He sees all and knows all and weighs the options before choosing the right path. Yes he could have saved Liam but what would have been the price? Would that outcome have been worse? Only God knows. My child was not taken by God. 

"At least you can have another"
For starters one child does not and can not replace another. Lanie did not replace the twins I miscarried. No other child can replace my Liam. Second, no I cannot have any more children. I suffered a uterine rupture during my pregnancy with Liam so it's too dangerous to try. My tubes are tied and I'm facing a hysterectomy due to health issues.

"You need to move on"
Imagine your life without one of your children. Can you? Can you imagine how you'd feel if one of your kids died? The heart ache that would follow? There is no moving on from losing a child. There is only trying to live each day with a whole in  your heart. 

"You lost a kid? Yea I know how that feels. I lost my grandpa (dad, mom or substitute anything here)"
I too have lost a grandparent and a parent. It's NOTHING and I mean NOTHING like losing a child. Your child. 

"At least you have your daughter"
Again one child does NOT EVER replace another. EVER.

Click here for the entire list of journal prompts.

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Grief Journal: The Things I'd Like To Say

8) If I Could Tell My Child Something I Would Say...

You were perfect.
I love you more than I have or will love anyone.
I needed you more than I needed air.
I miss you more anyone could possibly miss someone.
I wish you were here.

I miss our lunch dates.
I miss listening to you talk.

Your smiles and your laughter kept me going.
Every second with you was worth it.
I'd do it all over again to have you.

If I could have saved you,
I would have.

Click here for the entire list of journal prompts.

Tuesday, November 28, 2017


Whoever said "time heals all wounds" never lost a child. Time cannot heal all wounds, but God can.

We're coming up on Liam's second angelversary and third Christmas without him. If I were to tell you that two years after loss that all will be fine, it would be a lie and I won't lie to you. To be truthful, it gets worse. That may seem daunting to you if your just starting this journey of life after the loss of a child but keep reading. 

It's the holidays without him that are the worst. I'm not sure if it's worse for us because the holidays and his angelversary are compounded on top of each other. I believe that it must be because we survive Valentines Day, Easter, and 4th of July with more "grace". The first Christmas without our Liam there were no smiles, no laughter and no enjoyment. If we hadn't of already decorated when he passed then we wouldn't have.

The second Christmas without him the numbness wore off and it was like a knife being driven into our hearts.There were fake smiles when we could muster them. Everything was a blur and we were like robots just doing things we normally did because that's what was expected of us.

This year, our third Christmas without Liam, I'm prepared. I threw up the tree as soon as I felt the depression setting in. We knocked out our Christmas shopping knowing that I would be basically useless the closer it got to Liam's angelversary. They're even mostly wrapped. The only thing we haven't been able to do is muster the energy to put up the outside lights. We're so sad this year that we even skipped the Christmas parade. We have moments when we cry. Moments when we laugh. Moments when we're just there. Moments when we're fully engaged in life. It's this constant ache in your heart that never goes away. A pain you can live with but always hurts. 

There are moments it feels like the air is sucked out of the room. Moments when the pain is so great you think surely your heart will stop at any moment. At our one year mark, I still wasn't sure I would survive the loss of my son. At nearly the two year mark and I know I'll survive it but I still have moments I think my heart will stop. We went from not being able to even see a future to now planning for the future again. It may only be a few months ahead but it's a start. There's hope because we believe God will heal our broken hearts.

I believe that you need a reason to keep living after the loss of a child. Sometimes that pain is so great that the fact that you have another isn't enough reason to want to live. Losing Liam broke me into so many pieces that I couldn't put myself back together again. Daily, hourly, I prayed to either die or be healed. When Liam was born sick, I thought I had found my reason for life. Taking care of him so that he could do something amazing and change the world. My reason for living was ripped from me when he passed but God gave me another reason. Another path. Using my own pain and story to help others through their loss. I share my personal journey here with you in hopes that it will help someone out there. 

I also co-founded a non-profit ministry, Sent from Heaven. Together my co-founder Amanda (who had the brilliant idea for SfH) and I spread awareness, put together care packages and share our stories and resources with other families going through this journey. Having a purpose, something to throw yourself into is important. At first it's a distraction then it becomes your mission and then one day you wake up and you've changed. Your pain has changed. If it wasn't for SfH, I don't know where I'd be right  now and I don't want to think about it. 

Nearly two years later and nearly every laugh is genuine. I still have bad days, days I don't even want to get out of bed, but it's changing. I have hope  now, where before I had none.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18