Wednesday, March 14, 2018

Grief Journal: Letter to Liam

15) Write a letter to your child...

Dear Liam,
I miss your smile. I miss your laugh. I miss our cuddles and watching crazy animal videos with you. I miss reading "I love you Stinky Face" to you every night and "arguing" about which one of us is stinky face.

I miss how you use to climb on the back of the couch and lay there like the cats. How  you use to hang upside down from it and laugh. I miss how you use to stick your feet in my face and tell me to smell them and then laugh when I said your feet were stinky even when they weren't.

I miss singing the night night song to you. Lanie hasn't let me sing it to her since you passed. I miss watching you and Lanie play and laugh. She misses you too. It hurts her so much. Everyone misses you.

I will always love you. I can't stop. I don't want to stop. It's been 2 years sweet boy. 2 Years since I held you. 2 years and I haven't stopped grieving. I haven't come to terms with your passing. Maybe it's because I feel guilty like I shouldn't stop. But I need to find a better way to balance this grief and this life because I have to continue living.

When my time goes and I get to Heaven, I hope that you'll be waiting at the gates for me. I hope that you won't be mad I chose to see this life to the end and try to make a small difference in this world. I love you sweet boy and I will always love you. If I could change things, I would. I would have you here with me in an instant if it were possible but I have to come to terms that your gone. The only hope I have is that I will see you again. I love you sweet boy, always and forever.

3> mommy

(taken and edited October 2011)

Wednesday, March 7, 2018

Grief Journal: Plan Something

14) Plan something in honor of your child on a day that means something.

There are so many dates that hold unmeasurable amounts of meaning. 

Liam's birthday 7/14/2011: I spend the day every year surrounded by those that loved him and love us. 

7/21/2011: The day Liam had his repair surgery. Also my birthday. Having him survive the surgery was the best present I ever received. It meant he would have a chance at a life. It looks like I'm celebrating my birthday every year but in reality I'm celebrating that day.

12/15/2015: The day our sweet boy passed away. Last December was 2 years. Every year I just try to survive the day. 

March 25th-31st: CDH awareness week. Since 2012 I've been organizing picnics and balloon releases. Last year was the first year that I didn't do so. This year I'm unsure if we will be doing anything. 

Christmas Toy Drive: since 2012 I've been organizing toy drives to benefit Valley Children's hospital. I gathers items then deliver them right before Christmas. This year I'm revamping the drive and choosing 1 type of item to donate in hopes that we can be more successful for the 2018 year.

Thursday, March 1, 2018

New Chapters

I won't lie, losing Liam took a toll on our marriage. It's an every day battle to not become just another divorce statistic. But it's worth it. Last weekend we took a spontaneous trip to Morro Bay, just the two of us. It was relaxing and so beautiful.

Saturday morning we ate breakfast at the Blue Sky Bistro. They're vegi scramble and biscuits and gravy were amazing.

It was really cold so we kept having to go back to the hotel warm to stand next to the heater. Even so we got a lot of walking in. We walked through the thrift stores searching for items to decorate our new home when we move. Then we walked to the Lil' Hut for lunch. Justin loves their clam chowder bread bowls. This time I decided to try their fish and chips. They were pretty good.

The sunset was beautiful Saturday night. It was the first time we'd ever got to see it set on the left side of the rock. Usually we're there during summer when the sun sets on the right.

This picture makes it look like there's an angel in the sky. 

We're ready for a fresh start. A new chapter to start.