9 Days

Two years ago today,

life seemed to be as perfect as our lives got.

A year ago today,

we felt even luckier.

Liam may have been struggling with a "cold",

but we were all home,

happy,

and loved.

A cold wouldn't ruin our happy bubble of life.

Liam was doing great in school.

He was jumping those hurdles almost as fast as they popped up.

He was surrounded by friends who supported and loved him.

They showed more love and compassion towards Liam that I thought was possible for any 4 and 5 year old child's capabilities.

They put so many of my worries at ease.

They gave us more hope for the future.

Liam could do anything with friends like that at his side.

Lanie was doing great at school as always.

Things were exciting at school with Christmas crafts and break coming up.

They would sing Christmas music throughout the day and talk about what they wanted from Santa.

Things couldn't have been better.

They were the best they've ever been.

What we didn't know was that there was a darkness lurking.

Everything would soon change.

In  9 days it'll be 1 year since we lost our little Lamb.

1 year since we last saw his smile.

1 year since we last heard his voice.

1 year since we last held him.

1 year.

12 months.

365 days.

Of pure torture.

(12/6/2014)

Life is completely different.

There's a missing piece of us in everything we do.

Sometimes I can still hear the echo of his laugh,

or feel him tugging on my shirt.

My arms still remember what it's like to hold him.

I'm scared I'll forget.

That I'll one day forget his voice.

Or forget how it felt to hold him.

There are days when this all feels like a coma induced nightmare.

I can't make it all go away no matter how hard I try.

I can't bring him back no matter how much my heart aches for him.

Rainbow

.

11 months ago today my world stopped.

I watched my son take his last breath.

I watched my sons heart beat its last beat.

I watched the doctor proclaim time of death with tears in his eyes.

My world was never the same.

On Tuesday December 15th, 2015 I said good bye to my baby boy.

My little lamb.

He was 4 years,

5 months,

and 1 day old.

He fought until he had no fight left in him.

But he was tired.

So very tired and needed rest.

"Mommy I tired, I sweep" he said to me.

I didn't know when I told him it was ok to sleep that it wasn't what he meant.

Part of me feels that he knew.

God was right there in the room.

Guiding the doctors.

Making sure that at the end of the day I would have no doubt they did all they could.

God knew I would be broken.

He knew my soul would shatter.

But he knew I would be put back together.

He saw all outcomes and choose the best for Liam.

He did his best to comfort me.

I went from being in the ER room watching them work,

to being surrounded by loved ones.

God knew what I needed and he gave it to me.

As I type I sit here crying.

Tuesday are not good days.

They've been dreaded since Liam passed on a Tuesday.

This particular Tuesday has been extremely difficult.

It also happens to be the 15th.

The very day Liam went to Heaven.

I spent the day refusing to look at the date.

I kept telling myself that it was Wednesday.

I tried to spend the whole day in denial.

But God had a different plan.

It was made very apparent to me what today was by several people.

Everyone just wanting to make sure I was ok on this particular day.

So then I was forced to face the dreaded fact that today was indeed Tuesday the 15th.

There are certain numbers, days and months that will forever be hard for me.

#4 Liam's age

#15 the day and year he passed away.

Tuesday, the day he passed away.

There's a whole slew of things that will forever effect me.

I could have ignored everyone.

Truth is I tried at first,

but when reminders kept coming,

I knew I had to face it.

Good news is that I survived.

My emotions may be goo right now,

my anxiety and depression on high,

but I survived.

I haven't yet moved on from survival mode to living again,

but there's hope.

Finally hope.

On Sunday evening my friend Amanda and I presented Sent from Heaven to our church.

We started SfH in the wake of our tragedies.

She had had 2 miscarriages in the last year.

I had lost Liam and my first pregnancy of twins.

SfH is such a God thing.

She woke up with this idea for a nonprofit that gives care packages to parents when they lose a child.

This includes miscarriage,

illness,

birth defects,

adoption,

suicide and more.

She then decided to ask me to join her.

There was no hesitation.

I knew the moment I heard what she was doing that I was meant to help.

I needed something to help heal my brokenness and felt lead to this.

So Amanda,

her husband Joseph,

and I went to work.

Last week Amanda and I met with a lawyer about helping us with paperwork.

The meeting didn't go as we had hoped,

but it put us on another path.

Sunday we attended our churches business meeting,

stood in front of everyone present,

and explained what SfH was,

our purpose,

and our hope for  the future.

We asked them if they would accept us as one of their ministries.

This would allow us our nonprofit status and allow us to continue giving families care packages.

We knew going in that this was a HUGE thing to ask of them.

We went in hoping for the best yet expecting to be back to chasing our path.

After many questions and discussion it was time to vote.

Not only did one of our pastors make the motion,

but a couple playfully "fought" over which would second the motion.

We all had a great laugh over it.

Then they voted.

They voted anonymously and approved us.

I was in shock to be honest.

I sat down and was utterly happy yet in utter shock.

On the drive home I cried.

God always promises a rainbow after the storm.

Because I can't have anymore kids I was struggling with the fact that I would never have my rainbow.

As I cried I thanked God.

I suddenly knew that this was my rainbow.

SfH was my rainbow after the storm.

My purpose.

What I belonged doing.

I felt a change in me.

Like being stitched up.

Another piece of me was being mended.

I may have had a horrible day today,

and I struggle with things daily,

but I'm healing.

I'm on the path that God wants me on.

I find that life is better when you stop fighting God and follow his path.

So even though I'm sad and hurting,

there's comfort and love and healing.

I feel so blessed to be able to be a part of something that has already done great helping others,

and will continue to do great things.

I feel blessed and so thankful to be surrounded by so many people who love and support me.

AG Creation Adventures: Table & Terrarium

Today my daughter and I took the day to have some fun. My daughter loves her 18" dolls and has been wanting a few items for some time now. Problem is everything for these dolls cost way too much for my budget. So we decided to find out own way to make accessories for her dolls.  

We decided to take some pretty unusual objects to create something else.

What we have here are a platter, two decorative metal candle holders and a plastic flower vase.

We found all these items at the Dollar Tree.

We decided these would make a great table.

We flipped the vase and platter upside down and glued them together.

Next we flipped the candle holder upside down.

That's it!!

No joke, it was that simple.

And it only cost me $4 to make it.

Our next project was a turtle terrarium.

Again the Dollar Tree had everything we needed.

We picked up a clear plastic jewelry and a Squirt figurine.

I already had the tissue paper and rocks at home but they sell those there as well.

We took the lid off the box and set it on its side.

Next we placed Squirt inside along with enough rocks to cover the bottom.

We taped a piece of tissue paper to the back so it looked like water.

This was a temporary thing until I print a picture of the ocean or coral to use.

Next we placed the lid on the box and we were done.

I have one very happy little girl,

and three very happy dolls.

We also picked up this plastic tea set that is perfect for her dolls.

More post coming soon for camping accessories!!

Just 4, Only Ever 4

We are officially in the holiday season.

A season that I once loved and was excited for.

A season that use to bring me great joy.

A season that now brings me great sadness and heartbreak.

Yesterday I plastered a smile on my face as I went to work.

My heart broke as I watched the kids watch Charlie Brown and the great pumpkin.

It was a tradition to watch it with the kids before Halloween.

A tradition that I couldn't bear to do this year.

Yet there I was put into a situation where I couldn't walk away.

I delivered treat bags to my daughters class.

All the kids were so excited.

I smiled for them.

Thought about how nice it would be to be able to smile without faking it.

To be able to be so innocent again.

My husband and I have been struggling with Halloween without Liam.

I relented and took our daughter to our church's carnival.

I relented again and took her trick or treating because she was sad we weren't.

All I wanted was to stay in bed a day and wallow in my heart break.

I wanted to hide from the world until Halloween was over.

Instead I had to suck it up for my daughter while her dad got to stay home.

I'm an emotional wreck today.

I can't even put into words how yesterday felt.

How today feels.

It's like I'm in shock all over again.

Liam's Halloweens are summed up with a mere 4 pictures.

4 Halloween's.

Only 4.

Just 4.

That's all we have.

That's all we will ever have.

4.

Four.

Just 4.

Gift A Book

I want you to take a good look at this picture. I want you to look at these two kids and their smiling faces. Often times when we talk about child loss we can't imagine a face. We can't fathom how painful such a great loss is. Some even imagine how painful it would be to lose a child. I use to imagine it when a friend on Facebook would lose their child. Truth is whatever we imagine it would feel like to lose a child doesn't come close to what it really feels like. I know because I lost my 4 year old son last December. That little boy in the picture below was 4 years, 5 months and 1 day old when we lost him. The little girl in the picture is his sister. Siblings are often "forgotten" when a child is lost. We forget that they are grieving too. We forget that they are in pain too. We also forget that because they are young they are having a hard time understanding and processing what's happened. The last thing a grieving parent has is words to explain to their child what happened to their sibling or where they are now, or even what happens now. We forget that the loss changes everything. As parents grieving the loss of our son, we had a hard time putting into words what exactly happened. We had and still have a hard time trying to help her process her emotions. When it came time to explain what her brothers memorial would be like, we were all tears and no words. She was given a few books right after her brother passed. I sat down and read them with her. They gave me the words to explain things and her more understanding of the situation. They became a comfort, something that was tangible she could grab when we didn't have the words she needed. As part of our care packages, we want to provide siblings with a book to help them through this storm. You may think that a book isn't important at a time like this, but in a child's eyes it's huge. My daughter was 7, almost 8, at the time her brother passed. When asked if the books she was given brought her comfort, she would tell you yes. She would tell you how she used to snuggle up with the stuffed bear she was given and read those books. Will you help us offer the same comfort to children who lose a sibling? Any amount you can give will be greatly appreciated. Please help us reach our goal! http://www.youcaring.com/sent-from-heaven-659180 

#childlossawareness #pregnancylossawareness #sentfromheaven

Trust in You

Hubby made a comment earlier.

He said that this last year has been the hardest year of his life.

He said "Trust in You" came on the radio the other day.

My brother in law,

nephew,

and husband,

all stopped working to listen to the lyrics.

They said even though they heard the song play in Liam's memorial video,

and on the radio a million times,

they never stopped to actually listen to it.

The song talks about how God is always with you.

How you ask God to give you miracles,

but it's not always how you wanted them,

or when you wanted them.

It's about always trusting in God,

no matter what hardships you face.

When I choose this song for Liam's memorial,

it felt right.

I was so broken and so lost.

Truth is that I still am broken.

I will always be broken.

I had two choices when Liam passed.

I  could be angry and deny God.

I could fight his every push.

I could turn away.

Or I could throw myself down at God's feet,

at His mercy,

and give him all of me.

I choose to throw myself at God's feet.

I choose to offer myself up to him.

I choose to follow God's path for me.

Why?

Because I wanted to trust His promise that my son was in heaven.

I needed to trust that my son was safe.

I needed to now that he was now forever loved and sheltered from pain,

thanks to God sending His son to die on the cross for us.

This past (almost) 10 months have been so painful.

I won't ever say that I don't miss my son to the point it's physically painful.

The very truth of the matter is that,

if it wasn't for God,

I wouldn't have made it through this last year.

That song got me through the toughest time in my life.

It reminded me that God was always there for us.

We haven't been thrown into a cruel world without protection.

We aren't navigating this world without a map.

He has seen everything.

He knows everyone's futures,

their paths.

"When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You"

Listen to the song and watch Liam's memorial video by clicking here

October 2014

Capture Your Grief Day 7

Day 7: What song reminds you of your angel?

When Liam was in the NICU I used to sing to him.

I sang "Baby Mine" by Allison Kraus,

and "Godspeed" by Dixie Chicks.

After Liam passed away I was looking for a song to use in his memorial service video.

A good friend came to me with a song that she had heard on the radio.

She said it was perfect and played it for me.

I remember sitting on the porch listening to this song and crying.

It summed it up.

"Trust in You" by Lauren Diagle.

I kept watching videos of Liam and staring at his pictures.

Once again I decided to make another video.

I came across Daughtry's "Gone Too Soon",

and decided to use it.

**Note: If you click on the each link, they'll take you to a video I made using each song**

Capture Your Grief Day 6

Day 6: Picture of your belly, with your hands forming a heart. You held life!

I still remember what it felt like to be pregnant with Liam.

I felt his kicks early on.

He had a strong heartbeat and was extremely active.

I was in a lot of pain but it was worth it.

I loved him more each day that passed.

There were times after he was born that I wished I'd wake up and find I was still pregnant with him.

Him safe in my womb.

I also remember my first pregnancy.

I didn't know I was pregnant until I misscarried the first twin.

I was so scared and nervous.

I was also very sad.

I mourned the loss of a baby I hadn't even know I was pregnant with.

When I went to the doctor,

I was told the remaining baby had a good heart beat.

Just weeks later I lost it.

Capture Your Grief Day 5

Day 5: Picture of the sky.

Every morning I wake up at 5:30am.

Every morning I drag myself out of bed and get dressed for work.

Every morning I attempt to drag my daughter out of bed to get ready for school.

The best part of my day, however, is the drive to work.

I leave my house right after the sun starts rising.

The sky is starting to lighten.

The sun just peeking up over the mountains.

It's absolutely beautiful.

Every morning I feel blessed to me able to see this.

I think of how God is watching over us.

How Liam is up there in heaven playing.

The sun rising reminds me of Liam's smile.

How every morning he would wake up and as soon as he saw my face,

his eyes would light up and a smile so huge,

and so bright would spread across his face.

It was my favorite sight every morning.

It was better than that first cup of coffee.

For me,

the sunrise is Liam smiling down on me.

I miss him every day,

in every way.

I miss hearing his feet paddle through the house.

I miss his laugh.

His laugh and his smile were infectious.

You couldn't help but laugh with him.

He made my world a better place.

Capture Your Grief Day 4

Capture your grief day 4: What kind of loss(Es) do you have? What were the statistics of those losses?

I've been pregnant 3 times, yet I have only 1 out of 4 children living.

*My first pregnancy, I lost twins a few weeks apart. I later found out that it was most likely vanishing twin. This occurs in 21-30% of multi fetal pregnancies.  (Read more here)

*Miscarriage occurs 1 in 4 woman. 

Lanie was born a healthy rainbow baby. Then there was Liam and my pregnancy with Liam. Sometime during pregnancy my uterus ruptured (we're guessing it occurred at the end of March/beginning of April judging by when the pain and contractions started).

*uterine rupture occurs 1 in 1,146 (.07%)

*CDH occurs 1 in every 2500 births. 

*bilateral CDH is extremely rare occurring in less than 1% of CDH cases. Most die in utero, leaving only 35% to survive pregnancy. 

*50% of babies born with CDH do not survive. 

The doctors gave Liam a 0% chance at surviving NICU. They didn't think they'd get him stable for surgery. Yet Liam survived and left NICU at a mere 48 days. I say "mere" because the majority of CDH babies stay in the hospital anywhere from a few months to even years. Liam was also born with a partial biotinidase deficiency. This meant his odds of being failure to thrive increased exponentially. Not only did CDH create a higher risk of SIDS but his partial biotinidase deficiency increased those odds. Read more about biotinidase deficiency symptoms here.

*One in 109,921 for partial biotinidase deficiency.

 (Read more here)

*Pulmonary Embolism occurs .43-4.7% in children. 

(Read more here)

(Picture is of Liam sleeping soundly in my arms on 10/04/2011. We were at UCSF for a NG feding tube.)

Capture Your Grief Day 3

Capture your grief challenge day 3: What special dates do you remember?

July 14th, 2011: Liam's birthdate 

July 15th, 2011: Liam was transferred to UCSF at just 8 hours old. 

July 16th, 2011: After pushing the doctors, they released me and I went straight to UCSF.

July 21st, 2011: Liam's repair surgery. 

July 29th 2011: Liam's due date 

August 26th, 2011: we got to bring Liam home from UCSF NICU. 

December 15th, 2015: Liam grew wings.

(I don't remember the exact dates I found out I was pregnant the first time or the exact dates of each twins miscarriage but it was in 2007)

Capture Your Grief Day 2

Capture your grief day #2: Your angel's name.

Liam Michael Bryant 

It was a bit difficult naming Liam. When I was pregnant with my daughter, we agreed on the name Landon if we were having a boy. I just figured we were to use that name but for my husband,nit didn't seem to fit. The whole family had a say when it came to his name. At least we welcomed their opinion. We weren't naming him Andy, like his grandpa and uncle. After all, we had given Lanie that namesake. One day, as we watched a movie, Justin suggested we call him Liam. I rubbed my belly and said the name a few times. A smile crept over my face and I agreed. Liam it would be. It was perfect. 

It's kind of funny when we explain our kids names to people. Both names came from movies, or actors. Lanie was from 'She's all that'. Liam was inspired by Liam Nesson. A few years ago during one of Liam's UCSF stays, I busted out laughing at how appropriate the name was. His first name being Liam and he had underwent a procedure called a Nisson Fundiplication to fix his Hiatal hernia. For days I'd laugh at this. Nurses laughed at this. I still kind of giggle over it. 

Then there's Liam's middle name, Michael. We wanted his middle name to mean something. To be honest I fought for Bevin, so he'd be named after my dad. I knew it was a long shot suggesting it, but I tried. Liam Michael was just too perfect for him. Michael is a family name. He was named partly after Justin's uncle who passed away and partly because I had remembered I had a Michael on my side as well. 

From the time Liam was a tiny 2 pound 4 ounce baby in NICU, until the day he passed, I would rock him and sing "Liam Michael. Liam Michael. Liam Michael" over and over again. It started out as me not knowing what to say to this tiny baby fighting for his life but him needing to be talked to so he would recognize my voice. Also because talking to babies who are in the NICU, helps them thrive. Late nights, sleep exhausted but trying to soothe a crying baby, I would rock him and sing his name over and over. It worked like a charm. This was the go to lullaby. I remember rocking him that last night, trying to soothe him. I sang his name over and over again. I told him I wasn't going anywhere. I told him I loved him. I find that that lullaby goes through my head so often, like it's trying to soothe me. 

I hear his name, Liam Michael, and there's so much power in those words. They can make me smile, or bring me to my knees. I miss my son so much. I miss his laugh and tripping on his cars and trains. We were just talking about how sometimes we still feel the tug at the back of our shirts, like he used to do. And how sometimes we can even hear his laugh. I had never told anyone that before. Then at the memorial service at Children's hospital last Friday, our good friend Manny brought it up. He said one day he laughed and said "where are you?" And he swore he heard Liam's laugh. My jaw had dropped. My niece then said its happened to her before. In tears I proclaimed the same, saying I didn't want to say anything because I was afraid everyone would think I was crazy. 

Capture Your Grief Day 1

October is pregnancy, infant and child loss awareness month. I will be taking part in the Capture Your Grief challenge in memory of my son Liam. 

Day 1: A picture of you. How are you doing today?

Honestly I'm exhausted. Physically and mentally. My world has been turned upside down. I want to be able to reach out and hug my son. I want to call his name and have him come running. I'm also numb, or dissaccosiated. This morning, at 5 am, we woke up to a heavy shelf in our bedroom falling off the wall, taking the trim with it. It was full of books and photo frames of Liam and other things. We lost a few photo frames and a cross my aunt Rose gave me, but the little boy cherub holding a cat statue survive unscathed. I'm so thankful for that. Emotions ran high and rampad. When I explained to a friend what happened I started to go into freak out mode. That's when I just became numb. It was too much. Metaphorically, I've been feeling like the walls were crashing down on me. Now I guess they physically are as well. It seems... Appropriate to how I feel really. I could laugh at the irony. The hurt from losing my baby is something that is seared into my soul. I will heal, but there will be scars so I'll never be like I was before. Today, right now, I'm just exhausted. 

Me holding Liam's monkey that I took and had a 2 pound weight put in so its close to his birth weight of 2 pounds 4 ounces. 

Mummy Jar Craft

The Mummy Jar

What you'll need:

A jar

Gauze

Tape and or glue

Googly eyes

A battery operated tea light candle

I prefer to use clear tape because it makes this project a lot faster.

Tape the end of the gauze to the jar. Next wrap the gauze around the jar until it's covered.

You can glue or tape your eyes to the jar or gauze.

Turn on your light and place it inside.

How easy is that?!

Even though I clicked on the website to get the full tutorial,

it wasn't available. I did however find other Halloween mason jar project tutorial. 

Click here to see more projects from Crafthub.

I'm Supposed to be...

(Taken December 14th, 2015. The day before he passed)

Last Sunday God gave me just the tiniest piece of peace in my heart.

It's made dealing with the grief of loosing my son, easier I guess. 

It didn't take away the pain, but it made most moments bare able. 

Tonight the grief is overflowing. 

I'm crying fat tears that I can't stop.

It hurts. 

My heart hurts. 

I'm missing him.

How could I not miss him?

Tonight I'm just letting it out. 

Letting it flow. 

I don't understand how we got here.

How I could love this little boy so completely.

And now he's gone. 

Just like that.

The bad thing about PTSD is that no matter how much faith you have, it still rears its ugly heard. 

It still taunts you.

It still makes you relive the pain over and over again.

I've been watching videos of Liam today.

I could almost pretend he was asleep in his bed. 

Instead of playing in heaven.

I hear myself talking to him on the videos and I can hear how happy I was.

I could hear how much I loved him.

I wonder, why me?

Why my son?

God didn't do this. 

It's not punishment.

He's didn't take my son because he needed another angel.

He saved my son when his body couldn't continue any longer. 

God knows how much I loved my son. 

He knows how much it hurt to see him sick.

God knows I would have laid down my life to give my son a long health one.

God knows what's in my heart that I can't put into words. 

As I sit here trying to stop crying and failing, all I keep thinking is,

"I just want my baby back" 

"Why am I being so selfish?"

I'm supposed to be happy for him, that wasn't forced to live a long life of suffering. 

I'm supposed to be happy that he got to go straight to heaven, never having sinned. 

He never had his heart broken, truely broken.

He never felt unloved or unwanted.

I am happy for him. 

But I still miss him so much that it just hurts beyond words sometimes. 

I know that I'll continue to put one foot in front of the other,

Count to ten,

And find my way. 

I know every second of every day will be tinged with the loss and the pain it's caused.

I'm just trying to survive every ten seconds until I can wrap my arms around my son again. 

Milk Jug Ghost Craft

This craft is practically free!

And oh so easy!

What you'll need:

Clean and empty milk jugs.

You can use any kind of jug as long as its frosty like a milk jug.

You can also use any size.

Black permanent marker.

Some kind of light like a string of clear Christmas lights or battery operated candles.

Scissors or a utility knife.

Start by drawing your face.

Hint: you can't really go wrong here so let your kiddos have fun.

Cut a small hole in the back of the jug, just big enough to insert your light.

I like the battery operated tea lights because there's no cord and the flicker.

Next just place there where you want and turn them on.

Enjoy your "spooky" scene as soon as the sun goes down.

Check out more crafts on Babble.

Changed

When Liam passed away, I became angry and closed off and maybe even a little bitter.

I lost my son and I was hurt. I wanted something or someone to blame.

I fought so hard not to blame God.

I know it wasn't his work that took my son.

At Liam's memorial our pastor said something that stuck in my mind,

and the mind of a dear friend,

maybe even more people.

He said that God is not a baby snatcher.

God did not take Liam just because he wanted another angel.

He said God doesn't work like that.

When Liam was born with CDH and in NICU,

I was hurt and angry.

I blamed God for doing this to my baby.

I was in a dark place that took a lot of work to climb out of.

It took a lot for me to realize and believe that God didn't make Liam sick.

God wasn't torturing my innocent child just to send me a message.

I finally had stopped blaming God,

or thought I did anyway.

Then Liam passed away.

I could feel myself slipping back into that dark place putting blame back on God.

I fought hard against it but I think it still invaded my heart.

I threw myself into church and church programs.

It was my way of guarding my heart from the darkness.

I felt God give me a push. 

I knew that helping out with our kids programs was where he wanted me to be.

I could have fought it, after all I was angry.

I could have continued to blame him.

I could have easily let that darkness in.

I couldn't let myself believe that God would take my son from me.

God loves us and wouldn't cause us harm.

So I gave myself over to God and His plan for me.

On the radio the other day they asked us a question:

When was the last time you were tempted?

"If you can't remember the last time you were tempted then your probably doing something wrong. For the devil attacks those who profess their love for God."

It got me thinking.

I'm tempted in little ways every day.

And every day I can either abandon my faith or I can embrace it and spread it.

I thought my biggest temptation was Liam's birth.

I fear I failed that test when I blamed God.

Liam's passing has ultimately been my biggest test/temptation against my faith.

I've been praying for God to heal my heart,

to take away my anger.

I've been down on my knees,

at my lowest begging him to take away my anger.

I've also sat here wondering why I haven't been healed.

Why I still have anger and asking God why.

At church we started a new study on the book called 'You and Me'.

Since I can't make the actual group meeting times,

I've been reading it on my own.

It a book that is about marriage and your relationship with God.

I've started calling it "The Guide to Understanding Life".

Reading this book has helped open my eyes to things I never would have thought.

And as I read this book, I've felt a change come over me.

Just in little things.

I went to church today, ready to praise God and teach the kiddos their weekly lesson.

We got there early enough that my daughter was able to go into Sunday school.

I sat in the car and ready my book,

highlighted key points that I want to focus more on later.

The radio kept playing sons about complete faith in God and committing your life to God.

I had been trying to listen to God and follow His path for myself.

I wanted to do God's work because ultimately I want that reward of Heaven at the end of my life on earth.

This morning during church, I felt differently.

Not as angry or as sad.

Admittedly, I didn't want to get out of bed.

I didn't want to get dressed and drag myself to church.

I was tired and sore and I wanted to be lazy.

I hauled myself out of bed and got ready anyway.

I felt a pull to be at church today.

During music I sang louder that I have since before Liam was born.

It wasn't just that it was louder, it was that I sang from my heart.

My heart had been so hurt after Liam passed that I couldn't sing.

It hasn't been that long since I've been able to once again sing in worship.

Today I sang from the heart and I meant every word.

I thought to myself that one day I'll be so engrossed in my worship that my hands will raise in praise and my heart will be full.

I was looking forward to that day.

Today we had a guest pastor come and preach to us.

Admittedly I can't tell you word for word what he said,

but it spoke to my soul.

Like my soul was a sponge and his words water, it soaked it up.

He told us a story of a boy who asked the usher to place the offering plate on the ground.

The usher laughed and called him silly but knew the boy was serious so he did what the child asked.

The boy said he had nothing but himself worthy enough to offer God,

so he stood in the offering plate and offered himself.

This boy grew up to do great things in the name of God.

Then we were asked to stand and the music began to play again.

He called upon us to come take an offering plate and offer ourselves up to God.

Were any of us willing to offer over our lives to God and do his work?

I would love to tell you that my actions were immediate,

but that wouldn't be the truth.

I closed my eyes and asked God what should I do.

Then I thought of how I have been trying to live His plan for me.

I was overcome with such intense feeling that I cannot truly explain to you.

Once I took the first step, the rest became easy and confident.

God knew in my heart that I wanted to live his plan for me,

that I have offered myself,

but he wanted the outward commitment.

He wanted me to know that this was how it should be.

I walked to the front, my eyes on my task,

uncaring if anyone was watching me.

I hardly even noticed the others.

I took my plate,

I sat in the front row,

closed my eyes,

and prayed.

"Lord please do with me what you will.

Lord please use me.

Lord please use me.

I am here, use me"

Again I was overcome.

This feeling that washed over me left goose bumps,

left my body buzzing and shaking.
Like the song says:
"Like a wave crashing over me"

I felt love.

Best of all I felt peace.

My heart didn't hurt as it has,

it felt like it was healing and it was growing.

I was so overcome that I cried.

I couldn't have stopped the tears if I had wanted too,

and I didn't want too.

God was there, with me, with us.

And I knew that all would be ok.

And I realize that "ok" isn't the correct word.

I knew that life would still be hard,

that I would still cry and miss my son,

but I knew right then that I would survive it.

Today God changed something in me.

And even more now than before,

I want to do God's work.

I want to live out His plan for my life.

Even if it hurts and it tries to break me.

Even if it brings me to my knees.

To be honest, it's been questionable if I'd survive this or not.

It's been questionable if I'd harm myself and be done with this life or not.

As much as I say I would never, even believing that I would never, that darkness was still there,

threatening me everyday.

Some days I would be plagued with thoughts of how.

The images so vivid and real that it brought me to my knees,

praying for help.

Now there's a peace inside me that wasn't there before.

A true belief that I will survive this and that it'll all be 

"ok" because God has a plan.

I trust that plan even though I have knowledge of what lays ahead of me.

That's faith.

Trusting even when you cannot see.

I felt God today and I know that it'll be harder to be tempted now.

But it also means that I'll be attacked more aggressively now.

I can tell you now that I'm ready.

I'm ready because I have a purpose,

something I thought I lost when I lost Liam.

I have a purpose and I'm willing to fight for that purpose.

Click here to watch "In Over My Head"

DIY Halloween Costumes

Do you remember the Halloween costumes form when you were a kid? Remember how you would start planning your costume months ahead of time and then spend weeks bringing it to reality? Most kids these days have no idea what that's like. They just look in a catalog or walk into a store and pick one, ready to go. We'll this is the year we change all that.

I have put my foot down and told my daughter that we are making her costume this year. Together no less. It's time we bring creativity back to Halloween. This was half the fun growing up and I want my daughter to experience that as well. So here's some of our favorite DIY's that we found. Her costume may or may not be on here, but we aren't telling...yet!

1)  Sally from Nightmare Before Christmas

Check out this DIY from Holidappy.

2) Witches Costume

Check out this DIY from True Blue Me and You.

3) Peter Pan's Shadow

From Tikkido

4) Pocahontas

From Dear Lillie

5) Flower pot

From Duke and Duchesses

6) Black Cat

From Do it Yourself Divas

7)  Curios George

From Haute Apple Pie

8) Mermaid

From The Hairbow Company

9) Waldo

From Repeat Crafter Me

10) Butterfly

From Buggy and Buddy

For more ideas, check out my Pinterest