When Liam passed away, I became angry and closed off and maybe even a little bitter.
I lost my son and I was hurt. I wanted something or someone to blame.
I fought so hard not to blame God.
I know it wasn't his work that took my son.
At Liam's memorial our pastor said something that stuck in my mind,
and the mind of a dear friend,
maybe even more people.
He said that God is not a baby snatcher.
God did not take Liam just because he wanted another angel.
He said God doesn't work like that.
When Liam was born with CDH and in NICU,
I was hurt and angry.
I blamed God for doing this to my baby.
I was in a dark place that took a lot of work to climb out of.
It took a lot for me to realize and believe that God didn't make Liam sick.
God wasn't torturing my innocent child just to send me a message.
I finally had stopped blaming God,
or thought I did anyway.
Then Liam passed away.
I could feel myself slipping back into that dark place putting blame back on God.
I fought hard against it but I think it still invaded my heart.
I threw myself into church and church programs.
It was my way of guarding my heart from the darkness.
I felt God give me a push.
I knew that helping out with our kids programs was where he wanted me to be.
I could have fought it, after all I was angry.
I could have continued to blame him.
I could have easily let that darkness in.
I couldn't let myself believe that God would take my son from me.
God loves us and wouldn't cause us harm.
So I gave myself over to God and His plan for me.
On the radio the other day they asked us a question:
When was the last time you were tempted?
"If you can't remember the last time you were tempted then your probably doing something wrong. For the devil attacks those who profess their love for God."
It got me thinking.
I'm tempted in little ways every day.
And every day I can either abandon my faith or I can embrace it and spread it.
I thought my biggest temptation was Liam's birth.
I fear I failed that test when I blamed God.
Liam's passing has ultimately been my biggest test/temptation against my faith.
I've been praying for God to heal my heart,
to take away my anger.
I've been down on my knees,
at my lowest begging him to take away my anger.
I've also sat here wondering why I haven't been healed.
Why I still have anger and asking God why.
At church we started a new study on the book called 'You and Me'.
Since I can't make the actual group meeting times,
I've been reading it on my own.
It a book that is about marriage and your relationship with God.
I've started calling it "The Guide to Understanding Life".
Reading this book has helped open my eyes to things I never would have thought.
And as I read this book, I've felt a change come over me.
Just in little things.
I went to church today, ready to praise God and teach the kiddos their weekly lesson.
We got there early enough that my daughter was able to go into Sunday school.
I sat in the car and ready my book,
highlighted key points that I want to focus more on later.
The radio kept playing sons about complete faith in God and committing your life to God.
I had been trying to listen to God and follow His path for myself.
I wanted to do God's work because ultimately I want that reward of Heaven at the end of my life on earth.
This morning during church, I felt differently.
Not as angry or as sad.
Admittedly, I didn't want to get out of bed.
I didn't want to get dressed and drag myself to church.
I was tired and sore and I wanted to be lazy.
I hauled myself out of bed and got ready anyway.
I felt a pull to be at church today.
During music I sang louder that I have since before Liam was born.
It wasn't just that it was louder, it was that I sang from my heart.
My heart had been so hurt after Liam passed that I couldn't sing.
It hasn't been that long since I've been able to once again sing in worship.
Today I sang from the heart and I meant every word.
I thought to myself that one day I'll be so engrossed in my worship that my hands will raise in praise and my heart will be full.
I was looking forward to that day.
Today we had a guest pastor come and preach to us.
Admittedly I can't tell you word for word what he said,
but it spoke to my soul.
Like my soul was a sponge and his words water, it soaked it up.
He told us a story of a boy who asked the usher to place the offering plate on the ground.
The usher laughed and called him silly but knew the boy was serious so he did what the child asked.
The boy said he had nothing but himself worthy enough to offer God,
so he stood in the offering plate and offered himself.
This boy grew up to do great things in the name of God.
Then we were asked to stand and the music began to play again.
He called upon us to come take an offering plate and offer ourselves up to God.
Were any of us willing to offer over our lives to God and do his work?
I would love to tell you that my actions were immediate,
but that wouldn't be the truth.
I closed my eyes and asked God what should I do.
Then I thought of how I have been trying to live His plan for me.
I was overcome with such intense feeling that I cannot truly explain to you.
Once I took the first step, the rest became easy and confident.
God knew in my heart that I wanted to live his plan for me,
that I have offered myself,
but he wanted the outward commitment.
He wanted me to know that this was how it should be.
I walked to the front, my eyes on my task,
uncaring if anyone was watching me.
I hardly even noticed the others.
I took my plate,
I sat in the front row,
closed my eyes,
and prayed.
"Lord please do with me what you will.
Lord please use me.
Lord please use me.
I am here, use me"
Again I was overcome.
This feeling that washed over me left goose bumps,
I felt love.
Best of all I felt peace.
My heart didn't hurt as it has,
it felt like it was healing and it was growing.
I was so overcome that I cried.
I couldn't have stopped the tears if I had wanted too,
and I didn't want too.
God was there, with me, with us.
And I knew that all would be ok.
And I realize that "ok" isn't the correct word.
I knew that life would still be hard,
that I would still cry and miss my son,
but I knew right then that I would survive it.
Today God changed something in me.
And even more now than before,
I want to do God's work.
I want to live out His plan for my life.
Even if it hurts and it tries to break me.
Even if it brings me to my knees.
To be honest, it's been questionable if I'd survive this or not.
It's been questionable if I'd harm myself and be done with this life or not.
As much as I say I would never, even believing that I would never, that darkness was still there,
threatening me everyday.
Some days I would be plagued with thoughts of how.
The images so vivid and real that it brought me to my knees,
praying for help.
Now there's a peace inside me that wasn't there before.
A true belief that I will survive this and that it'll all be
"ok" because God has a plan.
I trust that plan even though I have knowledge of what lays ahead of me.
That's faith.
Trusting even when you cannot see.
I felt God today and I know that it'll be harder to be tempted now.
But it also means that I'll be attacked more aggressively now.
I can tell you now that I'm ready.
I'm ready because I have a purpose,
something I thought I lost when I lost Liam.
I have a purpose and I'm willing to fight for that purpose.
No comments:
Post a Comment