And then, like being hit with a wrecking ball, the air is knocked from my lungs, tears whell up in my eyes, a scream of frustration and pain gets stuck in my throat. 

I came home from work and opened up Facebook. What awaited me, caused my heart to stop. Caused it to break just a little more.  It shouldn't, but it did. 

This picture of my handsome son was the first thing I saw, thanks to Facebook memories. His beautiful smile that never failed to make me smile when he was here. A thought ran through my head, no this can't be my life. It's not my life. My son is in his room playing with his trains and watching ninja turtles. This can't be my life....

The reality of it came crashing down on me, breaking me all over again. How can this really be my life? The emotion becomes too much and I start dissaccosiating again. I go numb. My mind and heart just can't take the amount of sadness and darkness I was slipping into too. 

I know the facts. You don't have to tell them to me. I know better than anyone. 9 months and 8 days.

I had a bad night last night. Sharp pains through my brain, like an alarm, woke me up from a deep sleep. I was avoiding coming home from work this morning. I wasn't sure why. Since Liam passed away, I never wanted to leave the house. If I could, I'd stay curled up in bed. The feeling of not wanting to come home was so new and sudden that I couldn't understand it. I think subconsciously, I knew. I have a routine in the mornings and one is to check my Facebook. I always check on my tablet after I get home. My subconscious knew that I couldn't handle this today and it tried to warn me. 

Today, the grief is so crushing and all consuming. It's hard to see his pictures on these days. It's hard to see his things. I just shut down. There's no other way to survive this except to shut down emotionally.