Warning: this post is heart wrenching packed with raw emotions and the very last pictures of my sweet boy.
(Taken in urgent care before being transported to the hospital)
Dear World,
I have a son in Heaven.
His name is Liam and he was 4 years, 5 months and 1 day old.
I watched him die.
The doctors did all they could but it wasn't enough.
I'm angry.
I'm hurt.
I'm lost and broken.
There's no good days.
Only horrible 'I can't get out of bed' days.
And zombie days where everything's a haze.
Liam is real.
The pain of loosing him is real.
I can't just get up and walk away from that.
I love Liam with every fiber of my being.
And now every fiber of my being hurts from the loss.
(Taken in urgent care after he turned blue and they called an ambulance)
I remember thinking "it's over".
Liam's pain is over.
Liam's struggles are over.
Liam's life on earth is over.
The fight with medical problems is over.
And for a split second there was relief.
From what exactly I'm not sure.
But I have felt guilt ever since that split second of relief.
Guilt there ever was relief.
Guilt that I couldn't do more to save him.
The heartbreak is so intense I can feel myself drowning.
I had watched Liam bang on deaths door many many times and yet survive.
I hoped he'd survive this.
I prayed and begged God to heal my baby boy, to help him.
He did.
He took him home to Heaven.
So there's guilt I didn't pray for God to let me keep him.
I thought I was but I wasn't I guess.
Liam looked at me and said "mommy I tired. I sleep".
(Goodbye kiss)
I wish I had realized he was telling me he couldn't fight anymore.
Instead I looked at him and told him to sleep.
That everything would be ok that this would be over soon.
I didn't know.
I had no idea what was to come.
I thought for sure he'd be ok.
KDH would stabilize him and transfer him to Children's where they knew him.
The moment he seized and his heart stopped, he was gone.
I believe it with all my heart.
They got a faint heart beat back but Liam was gone.
And instead of dying peacefully in my arms,
He was surrounded by strangers,
Paddling him and doing CPR and poking him.
That's my biggest regret.
Not being able to hold Liam and tell him how much I loved him as he passed.
(Last cuddles)
I'm so sorry for your loss of Liam I wish their was something to say or do to help you. Please know that your words give yourself or someone else a voice to hang on to. Liam"s life has touched touched many and your voice will never cease to remind us of the loss of your Angel.
ReplyDeleteThank you
DeleteLiam was an amazing boy, he touched so many. I wish I had more than words and prayers to offer. My heart breaks for you.
ReplyDeleteI'm so very sorry for your loss. They say time heals all wounds. I can honestly say it doesn't heal the wound, it only makes the next day bareable and makes you stronger to handle the hurt. I've never lost a child, but I have lost someone as close and dear to my heart as you have. I lost my husband four years ago. To this day my heart is still broken like the day I lost him. I still cry, I still get those I don't or can't leave the house or my bed days, the time between has become longer and makes it easier to have good days. The day I lost my husband I told him I loved him and I'll see him when he comes home. Little did I know that was the last time I would see him alive. He died in a car accident, surrounded by strangers trying to save his life as well. I wish I knew it was his last day, so he would know how much we still needed him, how much we would miss him, how we had so many more memories to make with our children. When I got to see him, I kissed him goodbye even though I was wishing he would just wake up. Your pain is real, there are no words that will comfort you, only support from your family and friends, and doing exactly what you are doing now. Keep talking about him to anyone who will listen without speaking or interrupting you, keep celebrating his life for it is these things that keep his memory alive and he lives on. If I could hug you I would. If ever you need a listening ear, I'm here at your lesiure. No one should have to grieve alone and everyone grieves differently. I'm sending you hugs, comfort and love. You are stronger than you realize, never ever give up!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much ❤️❤️❤️
DeleteYour ability to try and put into words the indescribable anguish you must endure each day speaks volumes of your strength and character. There are no words or any amount of comforting from either family or friends that will ever dull the pain of your loss. I think that you simply have to focus on breathing in and breathing out each day...hopefully a day will come that you don't have to remind yourself to do it nor search for reasons why you should. You were meant to be your little man's mother...even for a short while. I am sure you cherish and replay every moment you had with him...I hope one day the memories of your son don't bring tears to your face and questions in your mind as to why he was taken too soon rather I hope you can reach a point that provides some peace allowing your shattered heart to recall the memories of your son and fill it with pure joy unburdened by the grief that must be all too raw at this point in time. I hope you are able to bear the pain and grief of your loss and although I do not know you I wish you all the best for a fulfilling and happy life..
ReplyDelete<3 <3 <3
DeleteYour ability to try and put into words the indescribable anguish you must endure each day speaks volumes of your strength and character. There are no words or any amount of comforting from either family or friends that will ever dull the pain of your loss. I think that you simply have to focus on breathing in and breathing out each day...hopefully a day will come that you don't have to remind yourself to do it nor search for reasons why you should. You were meant to be your little man's mother...even for a short while. I am sure you cherish and replay every moment you had with him...I hope one day the memories of your son don't bring tears to your face and questions in your mind as to why he was taken too soon rather I hope you can reach a point that provides some peace allowing your shattered heart to recall the memories of your son and fill it with pure joy unburdened by the grief that must be all too raw at this point in time. I hope you are able to bear the pain and grief of your loss and although I do not know you I wish you all the best for a fulfilling and happy life..
ReplyDelete