Change Hurts

(March 31, 2015)

 

The truth is I put on a brave face.

Sometimes I fake a smile.

I fake having all my ducks in a row.

I fake being "ok".

I tell people it's up and down,

and that I'm just trying to figure it out.

 

I fake it pretty good.

I put makeup on my face most days now.

I dress in actual clothes instead of just sweatpants.

Maybe if I look fine on the outside,

I'll eventually feel fine on the inside.

 

Truth is I'm still dyeing inside.

I don't know how to cope with that.

 

Yesterday I was desperate for some kind of change.

Something to make me feel better.

I needed a distraction from the pain.

So I jumped head first into changing around the bedroom.

 

Liam's room has been boxes up for while now.

All that was left was what I wanted to keep,

and train table stuff that's going to a friend.

Since Liam's bedroom was actually just half of our bedroom,

 moved our bed completely over to his portion.

From there everything was moved around.

 

I thought it would make me feel better.

I keep thinking that if I just propel forward that things will eventually be better.

Some tell me I've grieved too long.

Others that I haven't grieved long enough.

What I've learnt is that it's not up to anyone else.

My grief is my grief.

It's mine to live with.

Mine to deal with.

And I don't know how to deal with it.

 

So I propel forward hoping that one day it'll catch up to me.

 

It's just a horrible feeling when nothing has changed,

yet nothing is the same.

At least when it comes to loss.

 

I don't know where to go from here.

I'm holding onto the only things I have left with an iron grasp.

CDH awareness.

Memories.

Pictures and the last of his belongings.

 

My heart hurts so much all the time.

I just can't escape that.

Yesterday was a lot for me.

I didn't know if changing around the bedroom would help or not.

Today I'm trying to keep the breakdowns to a minimum.

Today I've had to take every med in my arsenal to combat the depression.

And the anger.

 

There's just so much anger.

Over everything.

My printer refused to work today.

It kept saying no paper no matter how much I tried.

I trouble shot it for 20 minutes before I lost control.

I no longer have a printer.

I just wanted to print CDH awareness magnets for my car.

The printer is just broken.

I don't know how it got broken,

but I lost it after I discovered it.

I threw it.

Hit it over and over again.

Then sat there and cried and screamed at it.

I wasn't really angry at the printer.

I just needed something to take my frustration out on.

I just miss Liam so much.

And the hurting won't go away.

 

I'm supposed to resign my life to my emotional pain matching my physical pain.

I don't know how to handle that.

 

What I want most in this world,

is no longer in this world.

And nothing can fix that.

 

(2015)