Mommy Time

 

 

I remember when I was begging for "mommy time".

Back then life seemed so stressful.

So exhausting.

I hardly slept because Liam's care was around the clock.

I hardly slept because I was always worried.

 

It's exhausting constantly worrying.

Worrying he would get sick.

Worrying that we'd end up at the hospital again.

Worrying that he wasn't growing properly no matter what I did.

 

And then there's the worst part of all...

 

Worrying,

no fearing something worse would happen to him.

 

As parents of a child born with Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia,

we learn at their birth that their lives are so fragile.

That their health is hanging from a think fragile string that can break any second.

The common cold can send them to the hospital.

RSV puts them on oxygen and in worse cases,

cause them to require a breathing tube.

We learn that there is no way to see into the future.

No way to guarantee that the future will be bright.

No way to foresee how long they will survive.

 

We learn to cherish every moment,

every breath they take because it could be their last.

 

This was always in the back of my mind.

That fear that today could be the last.

And yet faith and hope always won.

This war inside my mind was exhausting.

 

I needed,

I begged for me time.

Time to myself.

To do something for myself since I never did.

Everyone else always came first.

I was always the last on the priority list.

 

Today it all feels so stupid.

So petty.

I can't have that time back.

Time I wasted fighting for me time could have been spent holding my son.

Playing trains and cars.

Jumping in muddy puddles.

 

I hardly every got me time,

but it seems so stupid now that I even wanted it.

Now that I don't have my son.

 

This is weighing heavy on my mind today.

Justin and Lanie took off to the lake and I'm just sitting here.

Back then I would have been thrilled to have this time.

Not I just want my baby back.

We used to spend this time together playing,

and watching TV.

 

We used to pick a movie,

pop some popcorn,

and cuddle on the couch until he fell asleep.

 

My new reality is that it's just me,

alone on the couch,

with Netflix,

two cats,

and my blog,

wishing for my son.