Bright Light

 

Because life is confusing.

It's not perfect.

It's not pretty.

It's ugly and cruel.

 

Except for those little glimpses of light within the darkness.

 

Liam.

My bright light.

My happiness.

My reason.

 

And now it's all gone.

I'm left with only the memories of my bright light.

 

Both my children gave reason to my life in their own way.

 

 

 

Lanie was my rainbow baby after a miscarriage.

I had wanted to be a mom so badly,

and was devastated after the miscarriage.

Lanie brought back my happiness.

 

She was the little girl who wore bows,

smiled for the camera,

and wore dresses to play in the mud.

 

Her imagination trumped all others.

She was the little girl who made huge messes.

 

 

She changed me.

I loved (and still love) her with all my heart.

 

But there was still something missing.

My little boy.

My little lamb.

 

 

His birth wasn't ideal.

His health far from perfect.

But he was my perfect little boy.

 

My little boy who loved his cats.

And his dogs.

His cars.

Football.

NASCAR.

 

 

He was the missing piece.

The missing link.

And I needed him.

 

He was the little boy I always wanted.

And now he's gone.

 

The bond we shared is unlike any other.

Unlike the bond I share with my daughter.

I'd like to think that bond could never be broken.

Even though he's in Heaven.

 

Though his life brought us a lot of heartache.

A lot of stress.

He brought that bright light.

 

Even though he is in Heaven,

his light will still shine in my heart.

In my memories.

 

I know that right now I'm grieving,

but one day my heart will open up again.

Until then I grasp at the small moments of bright light that reach my broken heart.

The light that shines through my daughter,

and through the memories of my son.