Positive or Negative

 

 

I used to think of myself as a positive person.

In fact I know I was the most positive person I or anyone I know have ever met.

I was perpetually positive.

Life has a way of weighing down on you.

Of changing you.

I've lived a hard life.

My childhood wasn't the best.

I suffer from chronic constant migraines for years now.

I am in constant pain from Fibromyalgia,

degenerative disk disease,

and arthritis in my back.

I have depression,

PTSD,

and anxiety.

My son was born with Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia,

and was chronically ill his entire life.

Still I stayed positive.

Granted not as positive as I was before that,

but still positive.

 

In December when my son passed,

it felt like the world was crashing down on me.

Any positivity I had flew out the window.

For months I haven't hardly been able to function,

let alone feel positive about anything.

 

Today I feel different.

I feel sad.

I feel empty.

Just like every other day.

But today,

for the first time,

I felt some hope.

Some positivity again.

Not about my grief over loosing my son.

But for my health.

 

After weeks of trying to get into the lab for doctor ordered test,

yesterday I finally got in.

I parked in that underground parking garage,

despite my unreasonable fear and anxiety.

I stayed in that crowded waiting room meant for 6,

yet filled with 20,

despite the anxiety building.

It took 2 1/2 hours for 5 minutes of blood draw.

But I sat through it.

 

The doctor was testing me for h pylori.

I had decided a while back,

after Liam's passing,

that I didn't care about my health.

Or rather that I didn't have the energy to worry.

Last night I decided that even though I knew that h pylori was an infection,

I should do more research about it.

So I sat down and spent hours researching.

 

I found that this could be a major reason to my fatigue,

vitamin deficiencies,

headaches,

allergies,

and so much more.

Turns out you don't show symptoms of h pylori unless it's been in your system for years.

If you don't get treated as soon as you notice symptoms,

then it only gets worse over time.

H pylori can even give symptoms of fibromyalgia,

or at least that's what I read.

 

Today for the first time,

I felt optimistic,

positive about something.

Optimistic that there could very well be an answer to what's wrong with me.

That there could very well be a cure.

 

It won't help my PTSD.

It won't help my pain over loosing Liam.

But maybe in getting rid of the physical pain,

I'd be able to work on the emotional pain.

Find a way again.

Or a start anyway.

 

I had counseling today,

and I explained to my counselor that I keep moving forward,

in hopes that one day something will click,

and things will start to feel better.

Things can't be right again.

We just have a new reality that we have to find a way to get through.

Or I have to find a way to get through.

Because it seems that I'm the only one struggling.

That's my reality.