April 26 2016

(April 26,2015)

 

I did something today that I haven't done since my son was alive.

I volunteered in his preschool class.

...

...

...

 

You may not recognize it,

but that was HUGE.

 

Every time I had to go in there,

I'd go in before the kids got there.

Then I would sneak out before they all arrived.

 

(April 26 2014)

 

I was scared.

I was nervous.

I was a wreck.

 

There are so many emotions.

 

I saw how far these kids have come.

The two little girls who wouldn't even talk,

and when they did it was Spanish,

they giggled,

laughed,

said hi,

and they talked a lot.

In perfect English.

 

Most the kids got really excited to see me.

Most of the hugged me.

One little boy wrapped his arms around me as I read to them.

He kept saying "I'm hugging you",

and refused to let go.

Several little girls latched onto my arms while in lines.

I had a kid attached to me almost the entire time.

And when they weren't attached,

they followed me around.

 

(April 26 2014)

 

I sat there and watched their morning routine.

I smiled.

I wanted to cry.

I could feel Liam there.

His square sat empty,

but I could feel him there,

participating in everything they were going.

 

I wanted him to be there.

I needed him to be there.

 

I thought maybe if this was a nightmare,

this would be the time I'd wake up.

When I'd look up and see him sitting there in class.

 

But it wasn't a nightmare.

I wasn't asleep.

This was just more reinforcement that this is my reality.

Not a reality I want,

but mine all the same.

 

I know it's not going to change.

I know I won't wake up from this.

I know it's not a nightmare.

But I can't help those little slivers of hope that work their way into my heart.

 

(April 26 2014)

 

I watched as these kids learned.

As they laughed.

As they showed us how far they've come.

I was proud of them.

And I had wondered how far Liam would have come,

if he was still here.

 

It's a parents worst nightmare.

Loosing a child.

Then trying to live without them.

A nightmare I've been so scared I might have to live for so very long now.

I've been scared since my first pregnancy when I miscarried.

I was terrified from the day Liam was born.

I let my guard down in his last 5 months.

I let myself believe he was out of the woods.

I let myself believe that the worst was over.

 

I always say "if I'd only  known".

There are so many things I would have done if I'd only known.

So many things I would have changed.

But I didn't get to know.

 

Why can't we choose our own journeys?

Why can't we go back and change things?

Why can't we have what our hearts truly want?

 

Because that's not how life works.

 

If only that sentence alone could change everything.

How we feel.

How we act.