Just 4, Only Ever 4

We are officially in the holiday season.

A season that I once loved and was excited for.

A season that use to bring me great joy.

A season that now brings me great sadness and heartbreak.

Yesterday I plastered a smile on my face as I went to work.

My heart broke as I watched the kids watch Charlie Brown and the great pumpkin.

It was a tradition to watch it with the kids before Halloween.

A tradition that I couldn't bear to do this year.

Yet there I was put into a situation where I couldn't walk away.

I delivered treat bags to my daughters class.

All the kids were so excited.

I smiled for them.

Thought about how nice it would be to be able to smile without faking it.

To be able to be so innocent again.

My husband and I have been struggling with Halloween without Liam.

I relented and took our daughter to our church's carnival.

I relented again and took her trick or treating because she was sad we weren't.

All I wanted was to stay in bed a day and wallow in my heart break.

I wanted to hide from the world until Halloween was over.

Instead I had to suck it up for my daughter while her dad got to stay home.

I'm an emotional wreck today.

I can't even put into words how yesterday felt.

How today feels.

It's like I'm in shock all over again.

Liam's Halloweens are summed up with a mere 4 pictures.

4 Halloween's.

Only 4.

Just 4.

That's all we have.

That's all we will ever have.

4.

Four.

Just 4.