Breaking Down

9/19/2012 Life through the bars. Liam's 13th hospital stay at just 14 months.

Just when I start to grasp some resemblance of "put together" a video pops up and I lose what little grip I have. Life isn't fair. In fact it sucks. I'm angry and hurt. It's been a rough month. I've tried to hold myself together but the glue just won't hold. Last week my iPad broke. It just turned itself off. After dealing with Apple support, they came to the conclusion that it had a hardware malfunction. I have no warranty because it ended last year so it could cost me $299 to fix it if it's fixable or I have to outright buy a new one which is like $600 for the same one. Stay with me here because I promise I have a point to this ridiculous "my iPad broke" story.

I didn't realize before it broke how much I actually depended on this thing. You see I have really bad anxiety. I have games and books on that thing that help me keep it under control. Sounds stupid I know but if you suffer from anxiety, you know how serious this is. I also HAVE to read every night before bed. There's no, and I mean NO way I can not. If I don't then I can't sleep. Not even kidding here. Since it broke, I've had to result in reading books on my iPhone, which isn't the XL. Hey at least it works.

This iPad though I also use to run my online businesses. I'm an It Works distributor as well as have my own online boutique. All info for both were on said broken iPad. I also manage and post to Liam's Facebook page as well as Shooting for Liam and Sent from Heaven. It's also the only device I used to check all my emails. Basically my whole life was on that thing and now its a pile of junk.

What frustrates me even more though is that fact that all the games I downloaded for Liam are on there. Sure I could re-download them on a different device but all his progress is lost forever. He passed away so it's not like he could just re-do it all. When you lose a kid, you tend to hang on to as much of them as you can for as long as you can. At least the pictures and videos I had on the iPad were backed up on the cloud as well as an external hard drive.

So since said iPad has died on me, I've been on edge to say the least. Then came yesterday, the hay that broke the camels back. First my car battery was dyeing on me and had to be replaced before it left me stranded. Then I hang my brand new letterboard on the wall on a hook that's been holding something heavier for years now, and not 5 minutes later it crashed to the floor bouncing off the counter then shattering into a bunch of tiny pieces. The frame is a goner. That's when I lost it, something that was unavoidable apparently because I couldn't stop it for anything.

I found myself alone, hiding under the blankets on my bed, crying. When I could finally hold myself together I got up for something. That's when I found the cat scratching up my brand new purse that my aunt had just given me for my birthday. Again, I lost it. Like seriously WTF?!?! Now that you've got an idea of how this last week has been, imagine two month of crap like that blindsiding you. Sucks right? So here's the hook I promised you....

My melt down wasn't even about any of those things. Sure I'm upset about all of it (especially that iPad) but did it deserve an all out sobbing melt down? On it's own no. But coupled with what I'm going through, hell yes!

My husband commented "Hey it's ok. It can all be replaced". Innocent enough. My reason?

"Oh we can just go replace my letterboard? With what? Oh yea like I have $299 laying around to fix my iPad. Sure why not. Lets go do that! What about my son? Can't replace him!"

And there it is folks. The root of the problem. My son whom I lost and can't replace. The one that I miss every second of every day.

Today was rough but I barely had myself put together. The hold was fragile. Then a video popped up of Liam 2 years ago today and again I can feel myself being pulled under water just like that. That's child loss. Every day I live with ups and downs. Some days are better than others but I never stop missing Liam.

Click here to see the video of Liam talking. 9/19/2015
Click here to see a video of Liam laughing 9/19//2012