Grief Journal: Common Quotes

22) Pick a common well-meaning quote someone has said to you. Do you believe that it's true? Why or why not?

"At least you can have another child"

JUST NO! There is so much wrong with this saying. Yea the person saying means well. They're not out to crush  your heart (at least I hope not) but it still does. For me I actually can't have anymore children. I had my tubes tied when I had Liam and suffered a uterine rupture while pregnant with him. To get pregnant again it would be high risk to that baby and to me. Also what are you thinking when you say this? Surely your not thinking having another baby would replace the child I lost right? Because that's impossible. Even if I had another baby, Liam would still be gone and I'd still miss him and my heart would still be missing a piece. There is NO getting over the loss of your child. There is only learning to live each day without them until you see them again in Heaven.

I know from first hand experience that having another child after losing one does not take the place of the one you lost. My first pregnancy I was pregnant with twins. I didn't even know I was pregnant until I miscarried one of them one night after a long walk. I immediately got in to see a doctor to find that I was still pregnant with the remaining baby. They said it happens. I cried my eyes out. Yes I was finally  going to get to be a mom, but one of my babies would always be gone. 3 weeks later I miscarried the second twin. There was no reason for it, it just happened. 2 months later I became pregnant with my daughter Lanie and delivered a happy healthy baby girl. Shes 10 1/2 now. The twins would be 11 years old now. 12 in November/December.

Lanie has been such a great kid. I miss those late night bottle feeds as I rocked her and sung her back to sleep but she never took the place of the babies I lost because she was her own self. As a mom who has lost children, I always think of them. Holidays and special occasions are the worst because I know I should be wrangling up 4 kiddos and not just the 1. I am a mom of four. No other child can take the place of the ones I lost.

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Blowing Dandelions

                                  

(Liam September 21st, 2015)

Dear Sweet Liam,

My little angel,

I don't understand this life without you.

Your pictures,

Your things,

And this hurt,

Are the only reason I know you really existed.

I go through each day like a zombie,

Never really living,

Just existing.

I'm trying to see the light in this storm.

It should me simple.

It is simple. 

You were hurting,

And now your not.

You lived a life of pain,

And now your suffering has ended.

I wanted so badly to believe that you were ok.

Every night I prayed for your health.

Lord please make each day better than the last.

Each day was better,

Even through the set backs.

It was better until it wasn't.

I know your suffering has ended.

I know your healthy and happy in heaven.

I wish I could see it.

I wish you were happy and healthy here.

Everyday I wake up and pray.

Lord please let me make it through today.

Throughout the day I pray.

Lord please let him be ok.

Lord please tell him I love him.

Lord please hug him for me.

A mother should never have to say these prayers.

I mother should never have to lose a child.

But here I am,

Where you are not.

Lost and broken inside.

Part of an exclusive club of heartbreak,

That should never exist.

If I could hold you,

I would.

If I could kiss you,

I would.

If I could whisper in your ear that I love you,

I would.

Instead I tell the butterflies.

I tell the sun each morning.

I blow dandelions and wish for you.

I love you sweet boy.

Until I get there,

Please hold that piece of my heart close.

(Image found on Google that I edited using PicsArt)

Miss Connection

 

I look for you everywhere.

I miss the connection.

I miss the smiles.

I miss cuddles.

I miss you.

 

Everyday I look for you.

Or memories of you.

Flashbacks of you.

 

Every day Facebook shows me pictures from that day,

in years past.

I stare at them throughout the day.

I remember when I took them.

How I felt.

What we were doing.

 

At first,

after you passed,

I had a hard time eating your favorite foods.

They just made me really sad.

Sometimes so sad I was sick to my stomach.

Things have changed.

You loved Dorritos so much.

You always had a bowl full.

I had gotten to where I couldn't stand to even smell them.

You just wanted them so much.

It had been at least a year since I had eaten them.

All of a sudden,

about a months ago,

I just started eating them.

They weren't gross to me anymore.

If left up to me,

we'd eat spaghetti,

pizza,

and a few other of your favorites all the time.

Because while I'm eating your favorites,

I feel a small connection to you.

And that makes me feel better.

 

 I keep some of your toys on display.

Some cars,

stuffed animals,

and other random things.

I don't play with them,

but sometimes I touch them.

I stare at them and try to remember you playing with them.

How many times per day you filled your bucket up with cars,

carried it to another room just to dump it out.

I think of how many times you were sick,

and all you needed was your patchwork puppy baba to feel better.

How when we lost it and I searched everywhere to find it.

And when I didn't find it,

I secretly went online and purchased another one.

Then found the original a week later.

How I think you suspected the new one was different,

but decided you didn't care.

I had to always keep one hidden so you wouldn't know.

Then one day about a year ago or so,

you walked out of your room carrying both.

You had such a huge smile on your face.

I felt like I failed,

but the smile on your face let me know it was ok.

 

I miss these moments.

I just miss you.

I'm trying everyday to be strong.

I've adopted a new saying:

"Liam strong".

Because you kept going,

you kept smiling,

you ever complained.

Even how sick you were always.

I'll try everyday to be strong like you.

To be "Liam Strong".

Love you sweet boy.