When you're a mother you have children and you love them. That's the definition of a mother. But what about a mother who is child-less? In 2007 when I miscarried my twins, that's exactly what I felt. A mother without children to hold and love. The one constant I knew growing up without a doubt was that I was going to be a mother. I wanted to be a mother.
Might sound crazy but by the time I was 10 I knew I was going to be a mother and have two kids. I felt that two was a good number. Two was responsible. I refused to have more than I could care for because that would be unfair to them. I didn't want them to live a life where their own mother walked away from them as what happened to me.
Miscarrying my twins devastated me. The day I lost the second one, I became a mother without a child to hold. I thought that was the worst thing that could ever happen to me. Until the day I lost my son. The day his heart stopped, part of mine stopped too. Not only was I a mom who lost two babies before I could hold them in my arms, but I became a mom who cared for, held and loved my 4 year old son beyond measure and had to watch him die in front of me. I once again grieved for my loss. My mother's heart shattered.
When I gave birth to Liam via csection, I also had a tubaligation. After all it was a smart decision. I had my two kids and birth control had failed in the past. I had also suffered a uterine rupture while pregnant with Liam so it became too dangerous to have anymore. It was a decision I felt comfortable in, a decision I felt was right. Then a few years later I was overcome with the want to have another child. I knew I couldn't so I fought past it. After Liam past, we discussed the possibility of reversing the tubal. Of course it was too dangerous but a part of me wished it was possible. Or wished that I would fall into that 1% category where the tubal would fail.
Now I'm being faced with a new struggle. The doctors thing I have endometriosis and that it's causing some other health issues. It's looking like a hysterectomy is in my near future and I'm left to come to terms with this. With the fact that I will never be able to have another child of my own. I'm left grieving the loss of a possible future child even if it was only a 1% chance. That's a hard one to come to terms with.
Yes I have my daughter but she doesn't take the place of any of the children I have lost or of any possible children. You also can't tell me that this is part of God's plan. I refuse to believe that God would take away my babies, my son. I refuse to believe that God would make me sick. This was not God. It's the exact opposite. It's an attack to shake my faith. So don't tell me that this is all part of God's plan. Even through my struggles I know that I am not alone. God is here with me. He will not abandon me.
Might sound crazy but by the time I was 10 I knew I was going to be a mother and have two kids. I felt that two was a good number. Two was responsible. I refused to have more than I could care for because that would be unfair to them. I didn't want them to live a life where their own mother walked away from them as what happened to me.
Miscarrying my twins devastated me. The day I lost the second one, I became a mother without a child to hold. I thought that was the worst thing that could ever happen to me. Until the day I lost my son. The day his heart stopped, part of mine stopped too. Not only was I a mom who lost two babies before I could hold them in my arms, but I became a mom who cared for, held and loved my 4 year old son beyond measure and had to watch him die in front of me. I once again grieved for my loss. My mother's heart shattered.
When I gave birth to Liam via csection, I also had a tubaligation. After all it was a smart decision. I had my two kids and birth control had failed in the past. I had also suffered a uterine rupture while pregnant with Liam so it became too dangerous to have anymore. It was a decision I felt comfortable in, a decision I felt was right. Then a few years later I was overcome with the want to have another child. I knew I couldn't so I fought past it. After Liam past, we discussed the possibility of reversing the tubal. Of course it was too dangerous but a part of me wished it was possible. Or wished that I would fall into that 1% category where the tubal would fail.
Now I'm being faced with a new struggle. The doctors thing I have endometriosis and that it's causing some other health issues. It's looking like a hysterectomy is in my near future and I'm left to come to terms with this. With the fact that I will never be able to have another child of my own. I'm left grieving the loss of a possible future child even if it was only a 1% chance. That's a hard one to come to terms with.
Yes I have my daughter but she doesn't take the place of any of the children I have lost or of any possible children. You also can't tell me that this is part of God's plan. I refuse to believe that God would take away my babies, my son. I refuse to believe that God would make me sick. This was not God. It's the exact opposite. It's an attack to shake my faith. So don't tell me that this is all part of God's plan. Even through my struggles I know that I am not alone. God is here with me. He will not abandon me.
No comments:
Post a Comment