Epiploic Appendagitis

I hate to admit when I need help. What I hate to admit more is when I'm not OK.  I'm not OK. I try really really hard to be but it's an uphill battle. For so long I let my health go. My hands were full taking care of Liam. My kids will always come first, ALWAYS. Maybe that was just an excuse I used to not confront my own health. I seemed to run away from it every time something popped up. Well there's no more running.

The pain I'm in is too intense to ignore. It sent me to the ER twice last month. ER diagnosed my with a rare condition called epiploic appendagitis. 

An Epiploic Appendage are these tiny fatty pockets along your colon. They serve no purpose whatsoever. Epiploic Appendagitis is when one or more of these swells, or gets twisted up and starts dying off. It's extremely painful and rare. Mine is extremely swollen to about the size of my pointer finger. The entire area around it is swollen as well, to the point you can see a lump on my abdomen. The ER doctor said these usually resolve themselves. Mine however is not resolving itself.

Because this isn't resolving itself my doctor referred me to a surgeon. I just saw the surgeon this past Monday. After asking me a ton of questions, he feels like the epiploic appendagitis was caused by Endometriosis. He feels like when I suffered the uterine rupture with Liam that it increased my chances of having endometriosis exponentially and that I have all the classic symptoms.

In fact my PCP also believes I have Endometriosis and when he referred me to the surgeon he was supposed to list laproscopic surgery but when the referral lady filled out the form she failed to add it. I've discussed with my doctor what we're going to do and since I can't have anymore kids we decided it's best to look into a hysterectomy. Now I need to find an OBGYN to follow through.

The surgeon also wants to do a colonoscopy because he thinks I have either Crohn's or Ulcerative Colitis based on some other symptoms I've been having. He feels that it's more important to address the endometriosis first because of what it's affecting.

What I'm positive of is that my pain is getting worse as the weeks and days pass and that I can't handle it anymore. I'm currently taking Norco and 1,000 mg Naproxin twice a day as well as using essential oils and a heating pad. Some days it does nothing for my pain.

I know that my family needs me but I can't do for them what I normally would because of this pain. I'm not myself. I feel like a failure because I'm not even half my best. I'm not OK. I just want to do whatever I have to to get rid of this pain so I can go back to being the mom and wife they need me to be. I want to be able to get through a day without being in so much pain that I wish I'd just die already because dying would be less painful.

I'm praying that this horrible pain journey will be over, or better soon. 

Mourning the Loss of a Future

When you're a mother you have children and you love them. That's the definition of a mother. But what about a mother who is child-less? In 2007 when I miscarried my twins, that's exactly what I felt. A mother without children to hold and love. The one constant I knew growing up without a doubt was that I was going to be a mother. I wanted to be a mother.

Might sound crazy but by the time I was 10 I knew I was going to be a mother and have two kids. I felt that two was a good number. Two was responsible. I refused to have more than I could care for because that would be unfair to them. I didn't want them to live a life where their own mother walked away from them as what happened to me.

Miscarrying my twins devastated me. The day I lost the second one, I became a mother without a child to hold. I thought that was the worst thing that could ever happen to me. Until the day I lost my son. The day his heart stopped, part of mine stopped too. Not only was I a mom who lost two babies before I could hold them in my arms, but I became a mom who cared for, held and loved my 4 year old son beyond measure and had to watch him die in front of me. I once again grieved for my loss. My mother's heart shattered.

When I gave birth to Liam via csection, I also had a tubaligation. After all it was a smart decision. I had my two kids and birth control had failed in the past. I had also suffered a uterine rupture while pregnant with Liam so it became too dangerous to have anymore. It was a decision I felt comfortable in, a decision I felt was right. Then a few years later I was overcome with the want to have another child. I knew I couldn't so I fought past it. After Liam past, we discussed the possibility of reversing the tubal. Of course it was too dangerous but a part of me wished it was possible. Or wished that I would fall into that 1% category where the tubal would fail.

Now I'm being faced with a new struggle. The doctors thing I have endometriosis and that it's causing some other health issues. It's looking like a hysterectomy is in my near future and I'm left to come to terms with this. With the fact that I will never be able to have another child of my  own. I'm left grieving the loss of a possible future child even if it was only a 1% chance. That's a hard one to come to terms with.

Yes I have my daughter but she doesn't take the place of any of the children I have lost or of any possible children. You also can't tell me that this is part of God's plan. I refuse to believe that God would take away my babies, my son. I refuse to believe that God would make me sick. This was not God. It's the exact opposite. It's an attack to shake my faith. So don't tell me that this is all part of God's plan. Even through my struggles I know that I am not alone. God is here with me. He will not abandon me.