Grief Journal: Telling About Your Loss

2) Describe a time you told someone (who didn't already know) about your loss.

The other day I had to see a surgeon. The nurse doing the intake had to ask me a series of questions. Those questions included needing to know how many children I had. That is a hard question for me since the loss of my son.

I explained that I had my 9 year old daughter and that I lost my 4 year old son.

I then braced myself for what was surely to come next. Most people get this look of pitty in their eyes and say how sorry they are for me. It confuses me because they never look truly saddened. It's always pure pitty and I hate pitty.

This girl however didn't react whatsoever. No "I'm sorry", no look of pitty, nothings. In that moment I could have hugged her. She was the very first person not to fake it. She probably didn't care one bit but she was truthful in her actions and I was so very grateful.

There are times where I can't bring myself to tell one more person that I've lost a child. Times when I can't bear to hear one more "I'm sorry" or see one more look of pitty. For instance there's a cashier at Walmart that I've yet to be able to correct when she asks where my babies are. She just assumes they're both at home or school. I haven't found the courage to explain that my son died two years ago this December.

So being confronted with someone who was real was refreshing.


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Grief Journal: What You Should Know

1) What would you like other people to know or do after someone loses a child?

To be perfectly honest the best thing you can do for someone when they lose a child is be there for them. It may be painful for you but I guarantee it's a trillion times painful for them and if you love them, show up.

You don't have to have the right words. In fact what you feel are the right words could very well be the wrong ones. Just hug them or hold their hand. Place your hand on their shoulder as their sobbing.

Little things will mean so much more than you can possibly imagine. Showing up on their doorstep with coffee or food is absolutely huge. During those first few weeks, everything is a blur. You forget everything, including to eat. If your at their house and you see the dishes need to be washed, just do them. Don't ask because they'll always say no. Do a load of laundry for them if it's piled up. It may seem trivial to you but it's extremely helpful.

Remember that after the funeral, they still need you. Just because they laid their child to rest doesn't mean they laid their pain to rest. They still need you to stop by and text them weeks after. Months after. 

Within a week or two after my sons memorial people stopped showing up or calling. After two months it felt like everyone forgot. At 3 months into this journey, I became so depressed  that I couldn't get out of bed. I didn't call or text anyone. No one bothered to check on me. I laid there without any concept of time. I was so engulfed in pain that I was sure my heart would stop at any second. Truthfully I prayed it would. At 6 months I tried to function but failed miserably. I felt completely alone in my grief. This is why I tell people that their loved ones need them long after the funeral. I had a friend who lost a child stand up and tell all our friends and family this very thing but they failed to follow through. 

The holidays are so hard on someone whose lost a child. They feel it even more because these are times for family. The birthday and day of loss are two big ones as well. Call them. Check on them. Let them know you remembered and your thinking of their angel as well. It means more than you'll ever imagine. 

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Surprise Phone Call

          Despite going to bed with a headache last night,

waking up at 11:30p with a horrid migraine that had me in the fetal position in tears,

and waking up still with a headache,

I honestly thought today would be better.

I had gotten both kiddos off to school,

came home and was going to enjoy the peace and quiet.

Justin was at work so I had the house to myself,

and I was going to enjoy every minute of it,

and nurse my aching head.

I couldn't fall asleep so I took ibproffen.

Then I decided to make myself some food.

I ate in quiet and decided to do a bit of blogging.

After all...

I was proud of the post.

It was emotional and true.

Truth is important to me.

How can I give an accurate picture of what CDH does in our daily lives if I'm not truthful?

So again I spewed by guts out.

And for that I was proud.

(You can read the post here)

I decided to work on my book blog and marketing.

Then my phone rang.

(That's when the morning took a turn)

Surprise (yes genuine surprise)

It was Liam's school.

They noticed he was shaky.

His arms shook when they usually didn't.

His legs were shaky as well.

His equilibrium was off causing him to fall.

His face paler than normal and marbled.

And to top that cupcake off...

He was retching.

They knew this wasn't Liam.

He'd never behaved this way.

They called the LVN to the preschool rooms to have a look at him.

They called me right after to inform me.

As soon as she said Liam was acting weird I grabbed my keys.

I was out the door before she could finish telling me everything.

I told her I'd be there in 5 minutes.

When I got there I noticed all these traits as well.

Not just that but when I picked him up,

his entire body was trembling.

'Let the good times roll' I thought to myself.

One symptom on its own would be no biggie.

All these mixed together was another story.

Mix all those with what else he had exhibited at home and I knew something was up.

He had also slept 12-13 hours last night.

Liam never sleep that long.

He had diarrhea for the last 3 days and a killer diaper rash because of it.

This morning he was breathing heavier.

He seemed better after the treatment.

He was a bit quiet this morning,
and there was that whole conversation this morning.

I'm not sure what it all adds up too,

but he sees his pediatrician tomarrow.

Good day for a check up as well.

For now all I can do is comfort him.

He's cranky today and needs his mommy and cartoons.