Grief Journal: Secondary Losses

10) What are some secondary losses to the loss of your child?

When we lost Liam we lost an entire future. Christmases, Birthdays, watching him grow. We don't get to watch him graduate high school or college. We don't get to see him fall in love and get married. We don't get to spoil his children because he doesn't get to have any.

 I lost being a stay at home mom. I loved being able to spend all my time with my kids. Yes Liam's medical issues were extremely time consuming and mentally exhausting, but it was worth it. He was worth it. He was my reason and when we passed away I lost myself. Two years later and I'm still trying to figure out who I am. Now days I'm just trying to keep busy, keep my mind occupied so I don't go crazy.

Even then I question my own sanity. I feel as if I'm losing it. I remember him running through the house laughing and using my couch as a slide. Just today I was cleaning out the cabinet above the oven and found the very baby bottle I filled with water for him the day I rushed him to Urgent Care to try to get fluids in him. The day he passed away. I was immediately engulfed in a flash back. I was right back there. It feels like it just happened. So not only do I feel like I'm losing my sanity but like I'm losing my future. I don't know what I want out of life anymore or what I want to do with it. I feel stuck. I'm a mom with no baby to hold in her arms.

When I was pregnant with Liam I suffered a uterine rupture. Because of this it's too dangerous for me to be pregnant again. Because I lost my baby, and I'm a mom without a baby now, I'm now mourning the inability to have another. If I could turn back time I would find a way to save my son. If I could turn back time I would change my decision to have my tubes tied. I can't so I'm just stuck.



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