Is It Right?/ Am I supposed to care?

Is It Right?While I was giving my son his 10pm breathing treatment of pulmacort and xophanez that takes 50 minutes, I started wondering about this journey we've been on with CDH. These babies go through so much. We put them so much to keep them here with us. intubation, ECMO, too many to count procedures, seemingly never ending string of surgeries, and the never ending list of meds are just a few things that come to mind. I asked myself "is this right?". Im not saying I would have changed my decision to safe my son because it was my decision. I will never regret that decision. I'm not questioning if it was worth it. My thoughts were purely spiritual. "Is this what God wants?" "Is this how God planned it?" "In Gods eyes was I supposed to let my baby go instead of keep him here with me? Will God think I'm selfish?" I don't know. Was God testing my strength when he gaVe me a Cherub? Did I do the right thing in his eyes?. I don't know. The answers aren't written in a book, atleast I haven't found them yet. If the answers are in the bible I want to know. I want to read it for myself. Some people might say that yes they think I was being selfish, that their religion says God doesn't want it that way. I would respond 'then why would God give him to me?'. When Liam was born it was an experience that I wont ever quiet be able to fully portray. Words will never be able to explain the torment and pain and confussion I went through. The utter heart break. I asked "why" alot. I repeated 'I dont understand' over and over again. The one thing I didn't question or second guess were the decisions I made. When I was asked to sign a paper to transfer my son to UCSF, all I needed to know was where they were taking him and that they would do their best to save him. When they called and explained that Liam was sicker than he should have been for a baby with his condition and they were out of options to help him except ECMO. All I had to hear was that he would die without it. Yes he could have died with it but it was for sure he would die without it. When I gave my consent I made it clear that they could do and should do anything that will save my son. Its all I wanted. I dont regret those decisions. Now I question if God will see those decisions as right or if there was even a right or wrong in the situation. Liam left UCSF sooner than they expected, did so much better faster then they expected. It shocked everyone. He left taking full feeds and what I now consider as a short list of meds. A month later he was back for an NG tube because he was only eating 3/4 of his feeds. We left with a NG tube and pump, then back the hospital (Childrens hospital) 3 days later, ended up with a fundo and g-tube a week later. We left with the g-tube and a longer list of meds. 2 months later were back as Childrens for phnemonia and leave with more meds and a nebulizer. 2 weeks later we go from 1 breathing treatment nebulized to 2. It seems like as time goes on Liam is needing more and more and doing worse as time goes by. That why I ask "is this how God had it planned?". Again I will reiterate that I absolutely do NOT regret my decision, nor my son. I am also not complaining, just stating facts. Do any of you ever wonder what would God think? How does it make you feel about your decisions? Does it change how you feel?

Am I Supposed To Care??On another note. Im getting irritated with people complaining. The kind of complaining that makes you go "and your problem is what exactly?" or "you think this is important? seriously?". Complaining over stupid things, stupid immature things that wont matter tommarrow. It gripes me when they are complained to me. I want to grab them and shake them by the shoulders and scream things like:
Do you really care? Do you really think I care? Do you seriously think this is important? In the past 7 months my son has been in and out of the hospital fighting for his life. He had to have surgery to rearrange his organs for Christ sake. I have a strict med and feeding scheduele to keep up with and appointments for him. Meds that cant be skipped. Feeding that cant be late. My life is no longer my own. If anyone here as the right to complain its me! I wish I only had to deal with stupid mundane things like what he said she said or what happened at work or whatever. If anyone gets to complain its me. Do you hear me complain? Do I gripe about how much of my time it takes to do breathing treatments or how tedious it is so set alarms and draw meds? No I dont. Life is too short. If I spend all my time complaining I wont have anytime left to enjoy it. But dont you dare come to me and complain about such things as the drive through gave you the wrong order especially when you dont bother to care enough about how my son or my family is holding up. How dare you think that the world revolves around your selfish ass when there are people out there having it harder than you. People out there forced to watch their children fight for their lives. People who are starving or abused. Dont you dare come to me thinking I care enough to listen to your rant about the onions they put in your burrito when you asked them not to because my world doesnt have room for selfish jerks like you!!

Yes that is something Id like to yell, or something like it. I just dont understand some people. Complaints about the wrong food or whatever mundane things are reserved for pregnant women and people who have been going through hell and are having an emotional breakdown. So when I start crying because they didn't give me the correct burger or if they stop selling pepsi (better not ever happen!) or I forgot the toilet paper at the store, its not really about that. It may look like it is on the outside but it'll be me finnaly reaching that last straw that "breaks the camels back". People really need to think sometimes before they talk. I really dont care how you stained your new top eating pizza with friends, or how you chipped your nail when you only got them done yesterday. Honestly I dont care. Call me what you will but my brain has enough to deal with.