A Drowning Shadow

I've admitted that I started taking anti-depresants. It wasn't hard to admit that I needed them time around as it was 2 years ago when I first started taking them. What I felt I needed to keep quiet and not tell many people was the fact that I will be seeing a phycologist for therapy. I don't know if I felt ashamed or felt like I didn't have the right to be so bad off to need the help. But I am and I do. I was supposed to start today but the phycologist came down with the flu so we had to postpone until next week. I am nervous about. I don't know what questions she will ask me or what she expects me to say. I think im afraid to bring all the emotions that I pushed down back up to the surface. I don't want to relive the hell I went through with Liam's birth and up at UCSF. I sure why Im afraid when I relive it all everytime I close my eyes. I am hoping and praying that therapy helps me. I want to stop reliving it and I want to move on. I don't want to feel guilty that Liam survived while other didn't. Atleast I would like that guilt not to eat away at my very heart and soul anymore. It's hard to function in my day to day life. I forget things, I go through things in a haze, I dont sleep. The only thing that matters is Liams feedings and med schedule. I don't know what I would have done without my husband. He's been doing laundry and dishes, cleaning the house with me and helping remind me of things. He's also been taking on the majority of Lanie's care so that in between taking care of Liam I can attempt to sleep throughout the day. I try to spend time with my daughter, playing and reading books but my energy level only goes so far. I'm smart enough to realize when I need help and thankful that it was offered to me. I didn't turn it down when it was offered or even ask to take the time to think about it. I took one deep breathe and said 'yes'. Im glad I did because every day Ive been getting progressivley worse. I know that I won't be my best until I get better. Ive been trying hard to work on Feathers to honor Liam and Maddie but know now that it wont become successful until I can fix myself and get my mind back to fully functional. I just pray that it'll be soon. Admitting I'm getting thereapy hasn't changed my feelings. It has changed nothing. I thought maybe I would be able to feel alittle weight lifted off my shoulders but thats not the case. I figure it's probably because I need more help than I thought. Ive been trying to sort through my thoughts and feelings but theres so much that I feel like Im drowning in them. Nothing seems to make since, nothing but a feeding and med schedule. I feel like Im standing on a cliff, teetering on the edge. Or like im just a shadow or ghost of my old self.