Today I was only going to turn in some paperwork and wasn't supposed to have a wait at all. Just a quick drop off. I waited an hour before they and to take the paperwork from my hands. By the. I was shaking and nervous and upset. I just wanted to hide under a rock or run. I almost did run out of the office.
Then when I tried to go to the grocery store I checked to make sure I had my card before going in and behold it wasn't in my wallet. I had left it in my other purse. I had to walk back to the car and head home. I was crying before I left the parking spot. I couldn't help it. My anxiety was so high and I didn't know how to handle that.
It's not something I'm proud of but it's a fact of life. Caused by Liam's traumatic birth, my time in NICU, hospitals, doctors offices and all of Liam's medical needs. After years of just holding it in and trying to just do what needs to be done for him, this is the result. I'm. It complaining by far, just sharing my story so that maybe it'll help others down the road.
CDH is a horrible horrible thing. It affects everyone involved. As a parent to a baby in NICU you might not see effect on you immediately or even months down the line. Liam is now 2 years and 9 months old (on the 14th) and I'm now dealing with anxiety.
I was diagnosed with depression and PTSD while Liam was in NICU by a nurse. After Liam got out of NICU I sought help for this. I went to the doc and was again diagnosed as depressed and PTSD. I've been taking meds. Thought everything got better yet suddenly it was worse and anxiety was added.
I've again taken steps to help this. It's not a fun thing and if let go it can effect you socially as well as emotionally. At times I don't want to leave the house because just thinking about it sends me into an attack. There are days I don't want to get out of bed because just thinking about everything expected of me that day causes an attack.
I get the shakes. I cry because I can't help it. My heart does weird things during these attacks. It's very scary at times. This is just part of life. Another thing I have to manage and juggle. I don't want to have anxiety. When is over I just think how much worse anxiety is than my depression. It hits out of nowhere sometimes for no reason. I'm always afraid I'm going to have one out of nowhere in the worst time.
Sometimes I feel like God is messing with me. Saying "ok you passed what I have you (even if by a thread) so I'm going to add this. Good luck".
Anxiety makes me feel weak and useless. Last night I went in to clean Liam's room and put all his medical supplies away. 5 minutes in and my anxiety kicked in. I felt like it was all too much. I was able to recognize that I was getting over whelmed so I stood there, closed my eyes and took a few deep breathes. I told myself I could do it, that it just seemed like more than there really was. It helped some. I also walked put of the room a few times to "breathe" when I thought I couldn't do it anymore. In the end, I was able to go through all Liam's clothes, box up what he grew out of ( he grew!!!), put away all medical supply shipments and put away toys. I had actually done more than I had intended on doing. I am proud of myself for pushing forward and working through the anxiety to do.
My next goal is to go though my own clothes and stuff to get rid of things and organize. I figure if I start working on my anxiety with home things I can start pushing myself for public things like grocery shopping without getting anxious about standing in long lines. I can do this if I just try real hard.
#anxietysucks #justbreathe #wannagetoverit #wannamakeitbetter
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