Scheming and Planning

Christmas is almost here. If you count today over with then we only have 2 days left. I know I should be happy, after all I have alot to celebrate. My son is as healthy as he can be having CDH and his other issues and he is home with us where he belongs. My daughter is healthy and happy and a joy to be around. My husband has been helping with all the household chores and taking care of the kids. We were even able to get the kids, mostly Lanie a few presents and give them a good Christmas. So why aren't I excited? Maybe because I have a long list of things that I have to get done before our family Christmas on saturday. Maybe because I'm sick with my chronic allergies. It never fails to happen, right before Christmas I always end up sick because of my sinuses. Ive spent two days in bed resting and popping allergy pill after allergy pill. You'd think that with all the allergy meds I have to take that I wouldn't get sick. I mean singulair, benedril, nasonex and an eye drop should cover all the basis. But no Im not so lucky. Thats not why I'm not excited, or atleast not the full reason. I should be excited to see the kid's faces when the open up their presents. I should be excited to open up the toys and help them play with their new toys, but I'm not. Im thinking about all that trash that I'm going to have to pick up. All those little peices that will probably go missing within a few hours upon opening the packages. Maybe it's the lack of decorations. When I was growing up my Nana had this huge tree that went from floor to ceiling and the ceiling on her old house was probably a 25 foot ceiling if not higher. We had to use ladders to decorate the whole thing. Our tree is about 5 feet tall with a 10 inch angel on top. It's skinny and pales in comparason. I pray one day Ill be able to have a house that can handle a tree that is half as good as my Nana's for my kids to see. I really should have decorated more, wish I could have decorated more but the lack of decorations and cash on my part prevented it. We didn't get to take Lanie to look at lights this year nor have we taken the kids to see Santa. Liam can't go out in public to see Santa so Lanie ends up suffering. It'll be the first year that I havent been able to take her and get pictures of her with him. I feel bad that she is missing out but am so very thankful that she hasn't complained once or asked why. She just takes most things as they are. I have a whole year to plan next years Christmas and Im hoping to make it big and rememorable for her and Liam. They deserve it. I get that there are things we cant do this year and things that we as parents have to go without. I knew that going into parenthood and I'm perfectly comfprtable and accepting of that fact. What I will not do is allow my kids to go without. I know this year they aren't really going without, but I want to make up for this years minimal Christmas and make next year big and wonderful. Not neccesarilly with gifts but with decorations and activities. If I have to get someone to dress up as Santa and come to the kids I will. As Im writing this and scheming in my head, I am getting excited. Tomarrow we're going to bake holiday treats and raindeer food with family to get ready for saturday. Lanie has a suprise waiting for her that she knows nothing about and I cant wait to see her face. I will be happy when the holidays are over but I know things wont be calming down because visits for Liam are starting up and appointments and a whole lot to do. Im just doing my best to take it a few hours at a time and enjoy the here and now.