Overcome

Today was just one of those days that everything was going wrong. I woke up feeling really horribly sick, still praying it's just my allergies from having chronic allergies. Lanie was cranky and whinny upon waking up. She almost refused to get out of bed. Liam woke up at 5 am and puked then went back to sleep. Everytime I got so far cleaning Id have to go back over what I already did. Then as I was washing up some dishes the sink completly clogged up and backed up. Justin had to go in take the plumbing apart underneath the sink and try to unclog it. When that didn't work he had to go outside, get under the house and work from there. It took an hour and a half to get it unclogged. The whole plumbing sytstem from the kitchen back to the laundry room/2nd bathroom was clogged up. After it got unclogged it took another hour to clean up the mess. So when I got the mail today and saw a card from our UCSF family the Spence's I was thrilled. It changed my mood from being really crabby and mad to happy and excited to see what was in the envelope. I opened it to find 2 xmas cards one with the handsome Dillan with an ice cream cone and drinking milk and one with the beautful angel baby Maddie. Tears threatened to spill out at the sight. I missed the Spence's and Dillan. I have also been dealing with the loss of Maddie alot lately. I know it seems weird, after all before we got to USCF we had never even known the Spence's. It stems with being the same room with them just our two babies, together fighting for their lives, and us as parents sitting at the bedsides watching helplessly. I can't look at Liam and not think of sweet beautiful Maddie. So when I saw the beautiful card of Maddie it took alot of restraint not to cry. I was both sad and happy at the same time. Sad that she's gone but happy that now I have a tangable picture that I can hold and look at everyday, something to set with her angel memorial. These cards meant so much to me. They changed my bad day into a good day. Again I know that it's weird that I would be grieving over a baby that wasn't my own, but there is some sort of logic behind it. Everyday I sat at Liam's bedside, they sat at Maddies. Everyday we would ask eachother how the babies we're doing. We would celebrate the steps forward and give encouragement for the steps backwards. We would also give space where space was needed. We became so close that my family would ask how Maddie was before they'd even ask how Liam was doing. There wouldn't be a converstation where someone didn't ask how Maddie's progress was going. It became a given to automatically give a progress report on both Liam and Maddie without even being asked. The Spence's just became part of our family like we'd always known them. It wasn't uncommon for us to talk to each other from across the room and smile and chat with the nurses. It seems like somewhere along the way I started thinking of Liam and Maddie "together". Not as in together as a couple but just couldn't think of one without the other. The lines became blended. I remember sitting there one day thinking of the future for Liam, just hoping there would be a future. I thought of how great it would be for both Liam and Maddie to be released and how they would grow then how our first play date with them would go. Both Liam and Maddie crawling and trying to walk while Lanie and Dillan ran around playing. I never once thought it wasn't a possibility. I always thought we'd have the chance. To get to my point, I feel guilty. When we got to hold Liam for the first time, it was bitter sweet. Sweet because I wanted so badly to have him in my arms. Bitter because the Spence's had yet to be able to hold their beloved daughter. I didn't feel it was fair but didn't know how to express those feelings. I feel guilty for everything Liam is getting to do but Maddie didn't. It's not something I have said outloud yet, it's a secret I carry heavy on my heart. I am only barely admitting to it. I am hoping to overcome this guilt. Another thing I have been reluctant about is the fact that I will be starting therapy on the 5th. I've admitted to be depressed and having PTSD. I've admitted to taking meds to help me but for some reason it is hard for me to admit that I will be seeing a therapist. Hopefully with the help of the therapist I can overcome my guilt, PTSD and depression. Somewhere in my brain I know that I shouldn't feel guilty, that it wasn't my fault, that it was God's decision but the majority of my brain is blameing myself. It's telling me that Liam is here because Maddie's not and I know thats illogical and wrong and not how it works.