Liams Getting Chubby Rolls :)

Liam's feeding are going better. His pump feeding anyway. Before it was taking 2 hours for each feed only leaving an hour before the next. Last nights 4pm feed I was able to bump it up from 40ml's per hr to 60mls per hr taking only 1 hour and 20 min for the feed. Ive been slow to up his feeds because I was scared he would start retching and throwing up alot. Thankfully that hasnt happened. Today or tomarrow we will try to bump his feed up to only an hour. With the addition of some solids he has been visably gaining weight. His little cheecks are getting so chubby. So is his arms and legs. Its so cute. In addition, to my suprise, Liam is actually starting to gain a normal baby belly! Its starting to actually be paportioned to the rest of his body. Which is something I thought would never happened. I always thought his waist would be smaller, leaving his pants to forever be saggy. He is also starting to grow out of some of his 0-3 months, which for me is exciting because he had alot og 3-6 winter clothes that I hate for him not to be able to wear. On another note we're back to keeping the kids seperated. Lanie isn't feeling well. Shes all stuffed up and her ears are infected. I hope it's just her allergies but I have to play it safe. Liam has been in uur bedroom hanging out. He's curently taking a nap in the bassinet. Thankfully he does alot better when he's in there in the darker, quieter room. With the tv noise and the light in the living room he just get overstimulated. It's a good think he likes his bouncer and the portable swing because I couldn't fit a regular baby swing in that room. I took Liam's pictures yesterday in the outfit hi Uncle and Tia got him for Christmas. He looks so good in blues and browns lol.

Learning Curve

Everyday is a learning experience here at the Bryant household. Either Liam is learning a new "trick" or we're learning something about him. Today Liam has learned he has a voice. My sweet quiet boy has become a very expressive baby. He has spent the day screaming a high pitch scream then smilling at us. I love that my little man has learned to use his voice and I love hearing it. After not being able to hear his sweet little voice for what felt like forever, I cherish all his sweet noises. With that being said, my ears are killing me and my head is throbbing. His very beautiful sweet high pitch scream has taken his toll on my head today. I had forgotten all about this stage that most all babies go through. That or I just figured Liam would never get there because up until today his voice has been soft and quiet. Still I am going to cherish every single little cry, scream and shriek that he decides to make. Even if it means my head feeling like I was hit with a sledge hammer. No matter how bad I hurt when he screamed today I smiled at him and told him he was doing a good job. I didn't lie to him. He is doing a good job learning his voice and different pitch's. I think about his sweet litte voice everytime he has to be re-intubated, like for his Gtube/fundop surgery. I was so scared that they wouldn't be able to excubate him and that it would again be awhile before I got to hear his voice again. In january we have to take him to the polmunologist so they can do another xray and ultrasound of his lungs. If they don't get the answers they're looking for they'll have to do a CT scan. Because you have to be very still for a CT and babies aren't at all still they will have to put him under. When they put him under they will intubate him again. They don't want to do that unless they absolutly feel they have to because everytime they do his lung colapses. Everytime he gets intubated there is always a chance they wont be able to excubate him. Not being able to excubate him means we won't be able to hear his sweet voice. When youe babies are screaming and you'd do anything for them to be quiet, just keep in mind that some parents would give anything to be able to hear their babies voice. Even if they're crying or screaming. Every cry, every scream is a blessing and hope for parents who's babies were intubated at birth and struggling for life. Everytime you think you've had enough, remember theres parents out there that would rather have a screaming baby than to have lost their precious child. This situation with Liam has opened our eyes to a whole new world that we didn't even know about. So instead of being fed up with Liams screams I cherish them. Instead of wanting to scream myself after having sleepless nights, I cuddle my son and we take a nap together. Most parents would probably be upset if their child had to have a Gtube to feed. Me, I know the alternative for Liam. I couldn't care less about the Gtube because that simple little device is allowing my son to get nutrition and grow. Without it, it would mean hospitalization, IV's and watching my son struggle for life and possibly death eventually. When you've gone through what we've gone through, you'll take what you can get. Cherish your babies. Hold them close and love on them. You should thank God daily your babies are healthy and happy and that he blessed you with them. I know i've gotten a bit side tracked in this blog and that it seems I always do that, but I feel some things should be said. I read blogs daily on other CDH babies journey. Just last night I was reading one where they lost their little girl at 5 months old back in August. They never got to take her home. While reading her blog, I read her struggles in getting over the loss of their sweet little angel. My heart went out to them and I cried. I couldn't help myself. It's part of survivors guilt

Harley Bucket

This morning when my father in-law went out to feed the dogs, he found Harley had passed on. Harley passed some time during the night. He was an 11 year old boxer who had survived cancer on his ears. He was a good dog. He was practically blind in the end and was loosing his teeth. The last few days he had been acting strangely as well as been hardly eating for a while now. Harley was a good dog. I remember when we took him in the camper with us. He was anxious and out of his element. We had woke up to one heck of a stinky smell. Turned out he had been trying to go outside to poo and just couldn't hold it any longer. There were other times when we brought him inside the house on cold winter nights to sleep in our room with us. The dog would get up on the bed and try to sleep between us. We allowed it until he stunk up the room with his gas, then he was banished to the floor. Harley was a very gassy smelly dog. He drooled and slobbered all over us but he was a great dog. There were always little birds in his dog run with him. They helped eat his food and he never bothered them. Harley is now free to run as far and wide as his feet will carry him up in doggy heaven. He never be in pain and he will never be unhappy. Rest in peace Harley Bucket.

A Blessed Christmas

Christmas morning started at 6:30 am me. I laid there in bed waiting for my family to wake up. Finally at 7:30 am my husband got out of bed. I decided then it was time to wake up Lanie, the anticipation was eating away at me. Five minutes later I was able to gently stir her awake.
“Is it Christmas yet mommy?” her sweet little voice asked.
I couldn’t help but smile. She was barely able to keep open her eyes. Her smile was a slow tilt of her lips.
“Yes baby girl, it’s Christmas” I told her.
“Did Santa come?” Her eyes starting to open wider.
“Let’s go see” I smiled at her.
We laughed and jumped up out of bed, ran into the living room. She saw a big red box and a full stocking. Her eyes lit up wide.
“Is that for me?” She asked in aww.
“Yes it is. And guess what. Santa ate his cookies and left you a note” I smiled.
“He did?”
She ran over to the kitchen. Looked up on the counter. All that was left was a few crumbs, an m&m. I picked up the note. Read her Santa’s note:
“Your cookies were delicious,
The best I ever had,
May your Christmas be Merry,
May your New Year be joyous.
My reindeer are thankful,
Overcome with joy you see,
For you thought of them,
During our long nights flight,
Keep up the good work,
And next year will be great.
-Santa”
The cookies were gone. The celery we left the reindeer was nowhere to be seen. My little girl jumped up and down with joy. The joy Santa brought her was un-comparable by far. The magic he brought her left her with memories that will last a life time. So when she opened up her presents from Santa and found what he brought her, she smiled from ear to ear.
“He brought me LaLaLoopsie, he brought me a BIG LaLaLoopsie!!” she exclaimed.
We loved to see her smile. Loved to see her so excited. We felt amazed and humbled that we were able to bring those smiles and laughs to her face. We watched as she opened up her gifts. Watched her excitement grow. We saved the best for last. She opened up box, her eyes grew wider than ever. Her jaw dropped to the floor. Without warning she screamed, jumped up with joy.
“Oh my gosh oh my gosh!!!” She exclaimed. “It Rapunzel’s tower! This is the best Christmas ever”
I laughed so hard my stomach hurt. I wish I had been recording it because we could have won a million dollars.
Liam finally woke up at 9:00 am. We let him sleep because he had been so overwhelmed from yesterday. Lanie gave him the gift she bought him. Justin held him and helped him open it. Liam grabbed the wrapping paper and was actually able to rip it because it was loosely taped. He got his 4 little cars, all bright and perfect for him to hold. He smiled and jibber jabbed. Then I sat him on my lap and we opened up the one gift we had bought him. It was the fisher-Price zoom race track. It lights up and makes noise. I thought it was going to be perfect for the 4 of us to sit around it and play. I put it together then we sat there to play. Within seconds he was over stimulated. His head went side to side, almost looked like convultions. Justin and I looked at each other, then we turned it on one more time. He did it again. Then he got sick. It’s too soon for his new toy. We have to stick with stuffed animals and things that don’t light up and make lots of noise. The only other set back we had today was the fact that the tree broke and fell over on us halfway through Lanie opening up her gifts. I had been sitting next to her and caught the tree so it wouldn’t fall on her. Justin had to find away to fix it. Still we didn’t let those two incidents affect our Christmas. We spent the day laughing and playing. Just being here together was the best day ever. We felt so blessed to have both our kids home with us. We thank God for the miracles he has given us.

The Bryant's Special Christmas Eve

Christmas at the Bryant's was very special you see,
We had a special gift,
The best you'll ever see,
Our little package bundled tight,
Smiling laughing giggling,
God blessed us with a miracle,
A fighter to be true
For our little one has done so much,
Our Cherub here on earth...

Family gathered ‘round the tree,
Cookies, Food, and Special Treats,
Love abundance everywhere,
A night special in our heart…



We laughed and Joked
We smiled a lot...

The gifts were piled up so high,
The children just couldn’t wait...

Bells were ringing outside the door,
Whatever could It be?
No other than the man in red,
Surprised the kids indeed...

Our special night comes to an end,
All our guest head towards home.
The stalking are hung on the entertainment center with care...

The Raindeer will be happy for their treat
We are sure...

Cookies for Santa
Made just for him
Sitting on the counter
Waiting to be had...

Time to say goodnight
All the good little kids
For tomarrow you’ll wake up
To surprise’s for sure...

Merry Christmas From the Bryant’s

Santa's On His Way

The minutes until Christmas are counting down. The kids are in bed, fast asleep and I'm getting anxious. Tomarrow is our big family Christmas. At one point I was dreading it, just wishing it was over and done with. I was sad because I couldn't take Liam out into public and see Santa for his first Christmas. It's a tradition that we always see Santa and take pictures with him. There hasn't been a year since Lanie was born that we haven't. I got a call the other day and we're are to have a special guest tomarrow night after dinner. Santa will be making an appearance at our home. It will be the very first time Liam gets to see Santa and the first time Santa has come to us. This will for sure be a very rememorably Christmas. Probably something that I'm going to want to continue. The kids don't know that there's a suprise comming for them. I however have a rush of adrinaline and anxiety just waiting. I don't know if I'll be able to go through all day tomarrow and then dinner before Santa shows up. Our very special secret Santa is being played by Uncle Johnny. It is so very sweet of him to take him Christmas Eve to spend with us and to don the big red suit just for my kids. I don't think just simply saying 'thank you' will ever be enough. Nor will a simple 'thank you' measure up to the memories he is creating for both my kids and myself. I will be dragging out the old camcorder and making sure my digital camera has plenty of batteries so that I can capture these memories to keep forever. Growing up my Nana had huge Christmas trees, tons of gift, family and alot of food. So many special memories for me but this, having Santa come to us in our home makes these memories more special. Finnaly, my kids are having a Christmas thats even better than any I ever had. All because of Santa. Our Christmas miracle is having Liam home and still being able to show him Santa.

Overcome

Today was just one of those days that everything was going wrong. I woke up feeling really horribly sick, still praying it's just my allergies from having chronic allergies. Lanie was cranky and whinny upon waking up. She almost refused to get out of bed. Liam woke up at 5 am and puked then went back to sleep. Everytime I got so far cleaning Id have to go back over what I already did. Then as I was washing up some dishes the sink completly clogged up and backed up. Justin had to go in take the plumbing apart underneath the sink and try to unclog it. When that didn't work he had to go outside, get under the house and work from there. It took an hour and a half to get it unclogged. The whole plumbing sytstem from the kitchen back to the laundry room/2nd bathroom was clogged up. After it got unclogged it took another hour to clean up the mess. So when I got the mail today and saw a card from our UCSF family the Spence's I was thrilled. It changed my mood from being really crabby and mad to happy and excited to see what was in the envelope. I opened it to find 2 xmas cards one with the handsome Dillan with an ice cream cone and drinking milk and one with the beautful angel baby Maddie. Tears threatened to spill out at the sight. I missed the Spence's and Dillan. I have also been dealing with the loss of Maddie alot lately. I know it seems weird, after all before we got to USCF we had never even known the Spence's. It stems with being the same room with them just our two babies, together fighting for their lives, and us as parents sitting at the bedsides watching helplessly. I can't look at Liam and not think of sweet beautiful Maddie. So when I saw the beautiful card of Maddie it took alot of restraint not to cry. I was both sad and happy at the same time. Sad that she's gone but happy that now I have a tangable picture that I can hold and look at everyday, something to set with her angel memorial. These cards meant so much to me. They changed my bad day into a good day. Again I know that it's weird that I would be grieving over a baby that wasn't my own, but there is some sort of logic behind it. Everyday I sat at Liam's bedside, they sat at Maddies. Everyday we would ask eachother how the babies we're doing. We would celebrate the steps forward and give encouragement for the steps backwards. We would also give space where space was needed. We became so close that my family would ask how Maddie was before they'd even ask how Liam was doing. There wouldn't be a converstation where someone didn't ask how Maddie's progress was going. It became a given to automatically give a progress report on both Liam and Maddie without even being asked. The Spence's just became part of our family like we'd always known them. It wasn't uncommon for us to talk to each other from across the room and smile and chat with the nurses. It seems like somewhere along the way I started thinking of Liam and Maddie "together". Not as in together as a couple but just couldn't think of one without the other. The lines became blended. I remember sitting there one day thinking of the future for Liam, just hoping there would be a future. I thought of how great it would be for both Liam and Maddie to be released and how they would grow then how our first play date with them would go. Both Liam and Maddie crawling and trying to walk while Lanie and Dillan ran around playing. I never once thought it wasn't a possibility. I always thought we'd have the chance. To get to my point, I feel guilty. When we got to hold Liam for the first time, it was bitter sweet. Sweet because I wanted so badly to have him in my arms. Bitter because the Spence's had yet to be able to hold their beloved daughter. I didn't feel it was fair but didn't know how to express those feelings. I feel guilty for everything Liam is getting to do but Maddie didn't. It's not something I have said outloud yet, it's a secret I carry heavy on my heart. I am only barely admitting to it. I am hoping to overcome this guilt. Another thing I have been reluctant about is the fact that I will be starting therapy on the 5th. I've admitted to be depressed and having PTSD. I've admitted to taking meds to help me but for some reason it is hard for me to admit that I will be seeing a therapist. Hopefully with the help of the therapist I can overcome my guilt, PTSD and depression. Somewhere in my brain I know that I shouldn't feel guilty, that it wasn't my fault, that it was God's decision but the majority of my brain is blameing myself. It's telling me that Liam is here because Maddie's not and I know thats illogical and wrong and not how it works.

Scheming and Planning

Christmas is almost here. If you count today over with then we only have 2 days left. I know I should be happy, after all I have alot to celebrate. My son is as healthy as he can be having CDH and his other issues and he is home with us where he belongs. My daughter is healthy and happy and a joy to be around. My husband has been helping with all the household chores and taking care of the kids. We were even able to get the kids, mostly Lanie a few presents and give them a good Christmas. So why aren't I excited? Maybe because I have a long list of things that I have to get done before our family Christmas on saturday. Maybe because I'm sick with my chronic allergies. It never fails to happen, right before Christmas I always end up sick because of my sinuses. Ive spent two days in bed resting and popping allergy pill after allergy pill. You'd think that with all the allergy meds I have to take that I wouldn't get sick. I mean singulair, benedril, nasonex and an eye drop should cover all the basis. But no Im not so lucky. Thats not why I'm not excited, or atleast not the full reason. I should be excited to see the kid's faces when the open up their presents. I should be excited to open up the toys and help them play with their new toys, but I'm not. Im thinking about all that trash that I'm going to have to pick up. All those little peices that will probably go missing within a few hours upon opening the packages. Maybe it's the lack of decorations. When I was growing up my Nana had this huge tree that went from floor to ceiling and the ceiling on her old house was probably a 25 foot ceiling if not higher. We had to use ladders to decorate the whole thing. Our tree is about 5 feet tall with a 10 inch angel on top. It's skinny and pales in comparason. I pray one day Ill be able to have a house that can handle a tree that is half as good as my Nana's for my kids to see. I really should have decorated more, wish I could have decorated more but the lack of decorations and cash on my part prevented it. We didn't get to take Lanie to look at lights this year nor have we taken the kids to see Santa. Liam can't go out in public to see Santa so Lanie ends up suffering. It'll be the first year that I havent been able to take her and get pictures of her with him. I feel bad that she is missing out but am so very thankful that she hasn't complained once or asked why. She just takes most things as they are. I have a whole year to plan next years Christmas and Im hoping to make it big and rememorable for her and Liam. They deserve it. I get that there are things we cant do this year and things that we as parents have to go without. I knew that going into parenthood and I'm perfectly comfprtable and accepting of that fact. What I will not do is allow my kids to go without. I know this year they aren't really going without, but I want to make up for this years minimal Christmas and make next year big and wonderful. Not neccesarilly with gifts but with decorations and activities. If I have to get someone to dress up as Santa and come to the kids I will. As Im writing this and scheming in my head, I am getting excited. Tomarrow we're going to bake holiday treats and raindeer food with family to get ready for saturday. Lanie has a suprise waiting for her that she knows nothing about and I cant wait to see her face. I will be happy when the holidays are over but I know things wont be calming down because visits for Liam are starting up and appointments and a whole lot to do. Im just doing my best to take it a few hours at a time and enjoy the here and now.

Liams Scare Tactic

At 11a I went to wake Liam up for a bath and diaper change. My worst fear seemed to be comming to fruition. Thank God above that it actually wasn't. Liam was so sound asleep that he didn't wake up when I started talking to him. He didn't wake up when I unbunddled him. I couldn't see his chest so I started to worry. Thank Heaven for my meds because I was able to stay calm even though fear wrapped its ugly hands around my heart and mind. It turned out Liam was just sound asleep. When I picked him up he woke up and smiled at me. If I didn't know better id say he did it purposely lol. I don't like the scare but am glad thats all it was and that I didn't freak out. Thank you Jesus!

Feeding Solids

Liam had his first taste of solid food last night starting with rice cereal. I was pleasantly suprised that he didn't spit the food back out at me, instead settling for a dirty look before swolling. He ate about 15 to 20 bites before I saw signs that he was tired and done. I fed him again around 11 am this morning. He took about the same amount that he took last night and still giving me dirty looks. Tonight I tried again. He only made it through 10 to 15 bites before he became severely aggitated and started yelling at me. I also noticed tonight that he wasn't immediately swollowing the food. He just held it in his mouth while he jabbered for awhile before swolling, but eventually did swollow. It seems like he is already starting to regress. I could feel the dissapointment in myself and the failure that I was doing something wrong. I know that it is entirely stupid for me to be feeling this way since these CDH babies just have these issues. No one know exactly why they refuse to eat or have difficulties or if they do I haven't been privy of the answers. I know I just need to keep trying and not give up. Liam will do better as long as I keep trying but if I give up now he'll never have a chance to prove himself and he he deserves the chance. My love for him hasn't lessoned, if anything my love only grows with every challenge we face. This is an amazing journey we have found ourselves on.

Biotinidase Defficeincy

I took Liam to the doctor today. We retested him for RSV since he's been so stuffy. He is negative and his lungs sound clear so we are just going to continue to suction his nose, use vicks and the humidifier. He also got his second round of centages to help protect him from RSV. Liam 2nd biotinidase defficiency test came back positive for a medium case so we just continue to give him the biotin twice a day everyday for the rest of his life. The biotin is what helps break food down so you can use it properly. Without the biotin Liam would vommit, continue to be failure to thrive, it could cause seizures as well as heart attacks and eventually he would die from lack of nutrients. Its amazing that this one little pill prevents that, just a simple vitamin. Biotinidase defficiency is rare, both parents have to be carriers for the child to have it. Because Liam has this we will have to get Lanie checked too. It is possible that she has a partial defficiency
and that it isnt yet causing problems.

I Wish I Was More Like Her

Today we got a xmas card in the mail from CHERUBS and she asked what it was. I told her it was a card for CDH kids. She said she didnt want Liam to be a CDH Cherub that she just wanted him to be Liam Michael. My heart broke. I too just want him to be Liam Michael but it won't change the truth that he is a Cherub. I tried my best to explain to her that the doctors fixed him and he's fine now. That yes even though he is a Cherub he is still Liam Michael and will always be Liam Michael. She's a very smart kid and she understands alot. She has seen the pic from Liam's fundo and understands that they fixed his tummy. What she doesnt like is that her brother is different. She doesn't want him to be a Cherub when shes not a Cherub. She wants them to be the same. I explained that I am very happy that she is not a Cherub and that if I could have changed the fact that Liam was born sick I would have but thats not how God works. I explained that God choose her to be our daughter and that she was very special then God choose Liam to be our son and he too is special. I explained that we're all different and that no one is exactly like someone else. You would think that a conversation like this would be too hard for a almost 4 year old to grasp, but not Lanie. She's very intelligent, beyond her years. When we had her in NICU with us, she never once freaked out. At first she thought thats how all babies were. We had to explan to her that not all babies have to go through what Liam and the others there went through. We explained that they were all sick and that the nurses and doctors were making them better. She actually thought Liam's stat monitor was his own personal video game. We all had laughed then explained that the screen showed his heart rate, breathing and what not. She thought it was pretty cool. She never once was afraid to reach out and touch her brother. We never let her see him while he was on ECMO, it was far to scary. After he was off ECMO and the day he had his repair sugery she got to meet him for the first time. She was so excited. We lifted her up and sat her in a chair to see him. She asked if she could touch him. After we said yes she just sat there holding his hand and talking to him. It was amazing. She was never afraid of her brother or the tubes and wires comming out of him. She asked once what they were for and when we told her they were making him better she just smiled and said ok. The only time she ever got upset was at Valley Childrens Hospital when Liam started balling when they were trying to insert an IV. She was mad at the nurses for hurting her brother and making him cry. After that she was very protective of him and would always ask the nurses when they were at the bedside if they were going to hurt him again and what they were doing. I am very proud of my brave little girl. She has handled the entire situation with Liam better than any one. The one time I dared to look sad around her she walked up to be, laid her head on my shoulder, patted me then said "Its ok momma. Liam's fine, he's going to be fine". I wish I was as brave and strong as my almost 4 year old baby girl. Her strength, intelligance and imagination astounds me.

Outlets

Ive been doing alot of reading lately. This month alone I think Ive been through 3 maybe 4 books and its only the 15th. I think it's helping me to be sane. My normal crafts werent helping me and I seem to have lost interest in the normal thing I used to do. Ive been trying new things in hopes to find something but so far nothing. I'd scrapbook more if I had the money. I'd run if it wasn't for my asthma. I have tried a few times to sit down and write more for my fiction book but haven't had the heart. I've always wanted to do archery, for about 10 years now anyway, but have never tried. I think it would be a good outlet for my aggression and anger. I could shoot a target and get satisfaction plus it takes some physical strength. Im open to doing new things. I knew bringing Liam home and caring for him wouldn't be easy. I knew he would take alot of work, and I was prepared to do whatever it took. What I wasn't prepared for was the anger that would sneak up inside me. Anger at why Liam's condition wasn't cought in utero. Anger at why Liam was chosen as a Cherub. Just anger at it all. I didn't realize how much I stored away and bottled up while I was at the hospital with him. Now that we've been home for a month its starting to leak out. I'm not taking my anger out on anyone. I, like any other parent with a Cherub, want to know why. Im just trying to find our way through it all. Atleast theres hope for the future. Im trying to be optimistic.

5 Months Today

Five months ago today our crazy scary journey into the world of Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia, CDH. Liam is our little miracle in everyway. There was a very short few moments sitting at his bedside at ucsf when I wasnt sure he would make it but I never stopped praying. I thank God everyday for our miracle baby. Today Liam is lounging around the house in Christmas jammies. We're gathered in the livingroom watching tv as a family and playing with Liam. Lanie bought her brother a few cars for Christmas and is wrapping them all by herself. Were extremely happy to just be together at home, the 5 of us and our 2 cats. If anyone is wondering how we can have 2 cats with Liam its because our cats stay away from him. It takes alot of work vacumming, dusting and making sure theres no hair on any of Liams stuff. And so far hes not allergic to them. Lanie has been wanting a puppy but were not ready for anymore on our plate right now. Today is a small milestone for
Liam but for us it feels so big.

Rough Night

We had a rough night last night. Liam has colic and a really bad cough. I couldnt put him down at all last night because he would just cry. I held him close and rocked him all night long. Patted his back to try and help the gas come out. He was in so much pain. He cried, I cried. I kept praying that God would give us both a break and allow him to sleep so I could sleep but it never happened. I felt forsaken, forgotten. Im not understanding why God wants me broken or mad at him. Im not sure what ive done to pissed him off but id really like to know. I was up for 24hours straight. Ive only slept 2hours straight then an hour here and there today. I know tonights going to be bad. I need rest. I need strength.

doys go by

More and more days go by where I sit in a dark room with liam. He sleeping but I find I dont want to face the world. I have to fight for everything when I do and im ashamed to admit that im too drained. Its a good thing theres nothing liam needs me to fight for this minute because I need a break. I dont want to face the disaster my life has become or the hard feelings that are wrapping themselves around my heart like a boa constrictor getting ready to feast. Letting go and moving on is extremely more difficult than I ever imagined. I still blame myself for liams condition. I still feel horrid for not being able to be at him side those first 2 days of his life even though theres nothing I could have done recouvering from a c-section. I feel so guilty for then not being able to be there for lanie for those 6weeks until she got there. I dont know when the guilt is supposed to stop. I dont know when ill be able to tread water and keep my head up in the black
sea of guilt and despair.

feeling alone

I feel alone. I'm getting no help. I alone do all of liams daily care with no help. Im not even getting help going to pick up things like diapers. I do it all & have to take liam with me. Hes not supposed to go out. I wonder what the point is even being married when you have no one to help you shoulder the work & pain of it all. Everytime i ask for help i get excuse after excuse. I never get an offer for help nor a "sure i can". Im not resentful toward my son. Im resentful to the one person who is always supposed to be there for me and help me but never is. Its always an argument. I should be able to take time for myself and be by mysellf but i dont get that. Until liams is pottytrained and has no gtube i will be the one doing it all because he isnt easy and therefor isnt fun. Nope i get all the shitty work and none of the fun.

I took Liam to the doctor today. Dr Coverston thinks he has a stomach virus and is constipated and teething as well as lactose intolerant. Today was the first time in 2 days Liam was able to handle the formula and it was soy. I started the formula at 2p and he went all day without retching or throwing up. However tonight he spit up half an oz then 45min later projectile vommited about 20mls. That was at 10:20p. Now he's just kicking back trying not to fall asleep. Other than that incident he's been doing great. I know he will cont to throw up now and then because of the stomach virus but i hope aside from that he will be fine. Dr Coverston said he would call me tomarrow to see how everything went. Liam weighted in at 11lbs 2.5oz. Thats only a 2oz gain in a week and a half. Also found out ucsf had me mixing his formula way wrong. They said 4scoops to every 5oz. Thats thick stuff. For 30cal its supposed to be only 1.5 scoops every 2oz or 3scoops every 5oz.
We had to run bloodwork to make sure he was ok and he .

Poor liam had a rough night getting to sleep. He cried so bad. It tool an hour and a half to calm him down and get him in bed. He has a tummy ache, teehting and constipated. I feel so bad for him. We have him tylanol and when that didnt help some baby oragel. Then son prune juice and laid him on his belly. I really hope he gets past this.

Strained

Liam has been retching for almost 2 weeks now. Everyday its been growing worse and worse. Last night Liam started throwing up, something we thought would be virtually impossible until he grew alot older because of his Fundoplication. I text the doctor and he was put on pedialyte as of last night. He only had pedialyte all night long. This morning when I tried to start the formula again he puked 45min into the feeds so we had to go back to pedialyte. Tomarrow morning we will be taking him to the doc to be checked and to see his weight. Hopeing it does turn out to be something simple like maybe a sudden build up of lacktose-intolerance but its doubtful. Things just keep getting worse and worse. I feel as if God has taken a personal investment in my pain and misery. I'm struggling more and more with my faith. Theres so many things that just keep hitting us back to back. We just cant seem to catch a break. Our truck broke down earlier this week and we just had to come up with $1450 to get it fixed. CCS has denied liam's formula, genetics visit, and a few other things. Its getting ridiculous. I don't even want to go over everything that has happened lately its so depressing. The stress of dealing with Liam's health and everything involved with that is putting a strain on us. We just need to catch a break somewhere.

Bryant Family Trivia

1)Although there are 4 of us our birthdays fall in only 2 months. Justin is the oldest adult and Lanie the youngest child and both theyre birthdays fall in Febuary. I am the youngest adult and Liam the youngest child and both our birthdays fall in July.
2) Both kid's birthdays come before the adults birthdays.
3) Justin and Lanie (oldest) have blonde curly hair and blue eyes while Liam and I (youngest) boths have straight brown hair and brown eyes.
4) Lanie's original due date was on the 14th of the month which is Liam's birthday.
5) We named both kids after either a character in a movie or a movie actor. Lanie from "Shes all that" and Liam after actor Liam Nesson.
6) We named Liam after Liam Nesson and Liam ended up needing a procedure done called a "Nesson Fundoplication"
7) Lanie was born 19 1/2" long and Liam 18 1/2" long.
8) Lanie's middle name Andrea is for both her Grandpa and her Uncle
9) Liam's middle name is Michael. Both Justin and I have uncle Mike's.
10) Lanie and Liam are polar oposites of each other. Lanie is light colored and outspoken, only pretends to be shy. When she was a baby she cried alot. Liam has the darker coloring, is quiet, shy and hardly ever cries despite everything he has been through.