Heavy Heart

When Liam passed, my world shattered. 

I didn't just loose him. 

I lost a life time that we should have had. 

Christmases. 

Watching the ball drop. 

Holidays.

Making treats for his class. 

Watching him learn to ride a bike without training wheels. 

Birthdays. 

In just one month, it will be Liam's birthday. 

A day we should have celebrated with cake and presents. 

Family and friends. 

Smiles and laughter. 

But we lost all that the instant his heart stopped beating. 

Instead of a lifetime of making memories and watched him grow, we have a lifetime ahead of us of pain and heartbreak.

Of what ifs and whys. 

It's a pain you can't understand unless you've gone through it. 

It's breaks your heart. 

Feels like your hearts in a vice.

It rips your soul to shreds until you can barely see the light, if at all most days. 

It breaks you like nothing else can. 

The pieces lay there, but you'll never pick them all up. 

You'll never put them all back together. 

There will always be something missing. 

For me, that's Liam. 

My son never made it to 5 years old.

I always said when he turned 5 that we were going to have a huge party to celebrate his life and how far he'd come. 

But he never made it. 

Because of CDH. 

Because CDH caused his lungs to be weak and his immune system to struggle. 

Because he couldn't fight off a virus that wouldn't harm a healthy person. 

A virus that was basically your common cold. 

Because of CDH his little body couldn't fight it and it turned into a blood infection and a pulmonary embolism that took him away from us. 

I can't tell you how much I hate CDH for what it's done to our lives. 

To our son. 

I should be planning a party for my little lamb.

But instead I'm sitting here crying afraid of what that day will bring. 

One day post op from repair surgery. Liam was 8 days old. http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2012/07/looking-back-72211.html 

A look back on Liam's first year http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2012/07/rewind.html 

First cuddles 

http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2014/07/first-cuddles-72811.html

First family photo http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2014/07/first-cuddles-72811.html

Bringing Liam home from NICU 

http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2012/08/bringing-bbay-homea-year-ago-today.html

Liam's first Christmas Eve http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2011/12/bryants-special-christmas-eve.html 

Liam's first Christmas http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2011/12/blessed-christmas.html

Liam's first New Years 

http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2011/12/blessed-christmas.html

Almost 6 months old http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2012/01/almost-6-months.html

First trip to Build A Bear http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2012/01/first-trip-to-build-bear-workshop.html 

6 months old http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2012/01/6-months-old-today.html

First trip to church http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2012/01/1st-trip-to-church.html 

11 month old pictures http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2012/06/11-months-old.html

Liam's 1 year photos http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2012/07/liams-one-year-pictures.html

Liam's 1st birthday party http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2012/07/we-made-it.html

First trip to the pumpkin patch 

http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2012/10/liams-first-trip-to-pumpkin-patch.html

Liam's 2 year photos http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2013/07/take-1.html

Liam's 2nd birthday 

http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2013/07/liams-2nd-birthday-pt-1.html

Looking back at Liam's 2nd year so far http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2013/11/joyful-and-triumphant.html

2013 in review http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2014/01/2013-in-review.html

1 day post op medoport removal 

http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2014/07/1-day-post-op-medi-port-removal.html

Almost 3 years old http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2014/07/3-days-till-3.html 

Liam's 1st thanksgiving class party. His first year of preschool http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2014/11/liam-1st-thanksgiving-class-party.html

Liam's 4th (and last) birthday 

http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2015/07/4.html

Liam's 1st and 2nd day of Preschooo (year 2) 

http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2015/08/liam-1st-and-2nd-day-of-preschool.html

Liam's last school picture day http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2015/10/picture-day-and-more.html

Stomping in puddles 

http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2015/10/stomping-puddles.html

The beginning of the end http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2015/10/fighting-uphill-battle.html

Continuing to fight 

http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2015/10/x-rays-and-o2.html

The day we lost him 

http://mommyconfessionalinmyshoes.blogspot.com/2015/12/the-loss.html

There is so much about his life not posted on this blog, but one day at a time, there will be more to tell.

Sliding Emotions

Going to the park since Liam passed has been so hard. I avoid them like the plague. Or I did until it seemed life started pushing me back. We've been 3 times, and it was extremely hard every time. I have to try not to cry just driving by one. Especially the park next to the kids school because that was the last park Liam ever played at. Where we spent many days the last two months, hanging out and waiting for sister to get out of school. 

Those were some of the happiest days we had. Just running around like a healthy boy with no troubles in the world. The days seem to be some of the hardest times to remember because they were so filled with happiness, love, healing, without an ounce of owl edge of what was so come. To say I'm not sitting here crying as I write this, just thinking about those days, would be a lie. I am and I probably will cry for a long time to come. 

Liam changed everything. From the moment I found out I was pregnant with him, my world was turned upside down. You see, everything about Liam's life was a surprise. We hadn't planned to get pregnant for another year. It was a shock yet a welcomed surprise. Then when we found out he was a boy, the world couldn't have been more right. Of course the pregnancy didn't go smoothly but that's for another time. His birth was a surprise. We had a planned C section scheduled for two weeks from the day he came, but he wouldn't wait. He never waited for anything.

 Liam always had his own timeline an did things his own way. You could fight against his power force and struggle, or you could embrace it and accept him as he was. Acceptance wasn't easy at first I admit, but it didn't take long to realize that Liam was a force to be reckoned with and he wasn't changing. He was a fighter and I loved that about him. The biggest surprise of all was his passing. I could tell the story a million times and you'd never feel what I felt that day or even now. I stood there over my sons still body and looked up at my husband and asked the most heart broken question he will ever hear in his life. "What do we do now?" And he knew that I was irreverently broken and shuddered and that picking up those pieces would be impossible. 

But I'm getting off track. Since Liam's passing, I find parks are just a horrible reminder that have lost something so vital in my life. I see ghost memories of my son playing on the swings or sliding down the slide. I hear his sweet laugh ring in the air. And I'm broken all over again. It's gotten easier to hide the pain at times. I know the pain will never go away. I know that pain is there because I loved Liam so very much, with every fiber of my being. Every part of my soul. And I hurt as much as I love him. 

I read an article just before sitting here to write this, called Playgorunds and Cemetaries ( http://www.stillmothers.com/2016/06/13/playgrounds-and-cemeteries/ ). I'm the article she wondered if other parents were drawn to strange Cemetaries as she was after her daughter passed. Before reading this article, I didn't think anyone else felt this way. 

I've never been squirmish about Cemetaries as a teen I would pick flowers from our yard, ride my bike to the cemetery across town and lay flowers on headstones of those that seemed to be neglected I've the years. I'd walk through the child's section and I would feel the sadness that lingered from their parents grieving. I'd pray for these families that lost their babies and I'd hope to never have to feel that pain. You see when I feel something, I feel it deeply and completely. I always have. I didn't know until recently that it was because I suffered from PTSD since I was a small child (according to my therapist).

For awhile it's been weighing on my heart that I don't have a place to go visit my son. When he passed, I couldn't bear the thought of seeing his little body in a casket. I couldn't bear the thought of seeing him put in the ground. When he passed, I became certain of a few things. That I would live in pain and heartbreak until the day I die. And that I wanted him cremated and with me always. My husband felt the same. Now his urn sets on a shelf in the corner shelf system, surrounded by pictures and his toys. 

What I've learnt from this decision is that it leaves you with no place to go and grieve. No place to go and reflect. I feel drawn to walk through Cemetaries, leave flowers on the graves of babies gone too soon and say a prayer for those families. And I realized that it's because I have no set place to go do this for my son. That needs to change, and it will. That's my next project on the list of so many that needs to be done. 

Where Heaven Meets Earth

Friday morning we took off and headed on a much needed trip to the coast. Things have been so stressful since loosing Liam, our family needed to just get away. We needed a minute to breath. A minute to be happy. Or a minute for whatever would make us feel better.

I decided to take one of Liam's Babas (patch puppy) with us. One stays on his urn and the other usually next to my bed. 

What we thought was going to be just a normal trip, turned out to be something amazing. 

We started out in Morro Bay. We decided we would leisurely walk through the shops. We found the little mini pier and decide to just hang out for a bit. We weren't in a rush and to be honest, I was extremely emotional and needed the minute before I broke down crying. 

We found some cut outs and decided why not, we were here for some fun. Lanie said she's was Nemos mom. 

And of course we had to make her an octopus. The prettiest one you'll ever find. 

After walking a few more shops we decided to make our way back to the truck. On our way we found a new friend. 

I told him to smile, and he looked right at me and posed. 

Then took lunch out to the Morro Rock. There we watched the boats and the sea life when suddenly a seagul decide to have lunch with us. He jumped right up on the hood of the truck. We couldn't yet but laugh. Justin tried honking to scare him off but he only looked at us as if we were dumb. I suggested he turn on the wipers. Instead of being scared, the seagul took it as a challenge and tried to ride the wipers. That only made us laugh harder. 

After lunch, we decided to get out and explore. Of course my girl posed for some pictures with the "cloud makers" (the three stacks in the background). You'll see in the background there's lots of otters hanging out. 

This was only the beginning of our first day. We made our way to Pismo where we met up with one of my long time friends and her boys. We went by one f the candy shops where she bought a chocolate covered worm and a chocolate covered cricket. The kids didn't want them at first. L said he would only eat a chocolate covered scorpion. He happily ate the worm after I bribed him with cotton candy. He said it tasted awesome and he wanted more lol. Lanie wanted  nothing to do with any of it. Their little friend popped the cricket in her mouth, no fuss and said it was crunchy. We all had a good laugh. Are a few more stores, we head out to the beach. 

My feet loved being in the hot sand. The kids flew a kite and played in the water and the sand. Since our friends moved to Pismo 2 years ago, we rarely got to get together with them so this was much needed time. Our kids had grown up together and were close like cousins. 

Soon our time was over, and we needed to head out to Cambria where we were staying the night with hubs mom and day at the beach house they rented. This is where our world got flipped on its axis and the real surprise hit. We couldn't have expected what was in store. It was like being dropped in a movie set. 

You had to drive through windy mountain roads to get to the house. We were surrounded by trees most the way there, then the view just opened up and all you saw was ocean. Our jaws dropped. Yet that still didn't prepare us for the view that was to come. 

There were we deer in people's yards. They weren't scared of anyone. 

This was a mere 3 blocks from where we were staying. 

The house itself was crazy. It was built in the 60's and was one of the first there. It had a full look out on the top of the house. It was crazy insane. The view from the living room was just shocking. Two walls of just windows overlooking the beautiful ocean, unobstructed. 

We decide we should explore the beach right below the house before the sun set, so we took of for a little adventure. At one point the house had its own stairs down to the beach, but over time erosion won over and washed them out. So we took the access one house over. 

These two pictures are from the top of the stairs. 

I heard once that Heaven seems closer when your at the beach. I didn't quiet get that until we ended up here. I swear Heaven seemed as if I could just swim out a little ways and I'd be there. Like Heaven and earth merged right here on this coast line. 

These pictures don't really do true justice to was we saw with our own eyes. While on the beach, we explored the tides pools that seemed to be everywhere. Lanie and Bella got to see all kinds of sea life. They were packed with little crabs, hermit crabs, muscles, and anemone. 

And of course we took so many pictures, my phone filled up quick. 

Lanie wore her no prescription glasses all day long and at the end of the day, I made her hand them over so I could take a turn lol. 

Before we the sun set completely, we headed back up to the house to take pictures from the back porch. That's when we saw the following picture. It looks like there's an angel in the sky. I knew right then that this was my baby boy, telling me he was there, and everything was ok. This was when it truely felt like Heaven was close. It took all I had not to loose control and just bawl. 

Now take a look at this panoramic view and tell me, Heavens not shining through. 

This morning, I woke up at 5am to the sound of the waves crashing across the rocks. I sat there for an hour, alone in quiet as I watched the waves crash, the birds fly across the ocean and the sky lighten. That's when I let the tears fall. They were for me and Liam and I didn't want to share them. 

When the girls finally woke up, we bundled up and took a walk on the beach to look for shells. We saw the biggest, greenish anemone ever. 

I took Liam's Baba down on the beach with us. Justin found a sea urchin shell so I sat them down for a picture. 

And one last picture to show the house and it's lookout. 

After 2 hours scouring all the tide pools and being enthralled by everything, we made our way back to the house to back up and leave. We headed out for breakfast in Morro Bay and some more shopping. 

We went back to the shell shack, where I spent 20 minutes thoroughly searching through every shell angel for the perfect one to bring back to Liam's corner. 

I brought this glittery beauty back and hung it in Liam's corner with his urn. (It's still  shocking that thes an urn in our house instead of a beautiful little boy)

After the Shell Shack, I took the girls into the aquarium. Lanie was learning about sea animals in school this past year, so it was perfect to continue teacher her.

First came the sea lion and seals.

Lanie got to see a few who had been injured at some point and placed there as well as in their natural habitat in the bay. We much prefer them free. 

I'm not a big fan of aquariums lol. I made Lanie pose with the octopus. I told her if she didn't, I would unleash the Kracken on her (jokingly of course). 

I wonder who this big guys dentist is.

This crab wasn't happy the tiger shark was rubbing up against it. 

We thought the starfish was pretty cool. 

After a little more exploring, we headed back to the truck and home, vowing we would find a way to afford to stay at that beach house for a few days one day. It was a great trip. A much needed release to some of our stress. 

After we got home, Lanie and I went out and bought a few glass jars for hour sand and shells. One large one for our big shells and drift wood. 

And one small one for Lanie to keep in her room.