Today Liam's preschool class graduated. They all dressed up, wore hair bows and bow ties. They walked across the stage with confidence and pride that rivaled college grads. They smile as they received their personalized metals. They sang their songs, took hundreds of pictures, and ate cake. It was a great day for them.
As they walked across that stage I started shaking. Then I was hit with emotions. My son wasn't among the 24 boys and girl crossing the stage. He wasn't sitting in his chair singing and smiling. My son didn't get to walk up, shake MRS H's hand and receive his metal.
My eyes filled up and the tears threatened to escape. For a moment all I could think about was the injustice that my son wasn't here on what should have big a BIG day for him. It wasn't fair. This isn't how it's supposed to be. I was supposed to watch along with all the happy parents as their children stepped on stage. In stead in his place was a stuffed minion.
Then the dreaded moment hit. I didn't know for sure it was going to happen but I had a feeling it would. MRS H made a speech. Saying every morning the kids put their hands over their heart, take a deep breath and think of Liam. I couldn't hold back the tears. Then she called me up and presented me with Liam's certificate, metal and pictures. I couldn't stop. I walked up their crying.
I imagine it felt similar to when a fallen soldiers family received a metal of honor or the flag. Liam's metal was unlike their other (red, white and blue striped lanyards). I guess in a way he is a fallen soldier. He was a warrior after all in his own right. He spent his entire life fighting. His certificate was special as well. Instead of a graduation certificate they made his an outstanding participation certificate with a seal and everything. Again it makes my heart feel like it's been ripped out because this isn't how it's supposed to be.
I had several parents walk up and hug me. They thanked me. For what I'm not sure. Maybe for working with their babies. For always being willing to help. I was also presented with a certificate stating that I volunteered approximately 88 hours this year. The most volunteered hours they had.
After the tears, there were smiles and laughter. And lots of pictures. I watched all these kids excited about graduation and moving onto kindergarten. I watched as they ran around and laughed and posed. I watched their happiness and soaked in as much as I could. I used it to give me strength to get through the next few hours. It was important that they see me happy for them and I didn't want to give them anything less.
I smiled and took pictures of happy parents with their babies. Memories I'm sure that will last forever. Inside I wished for that. Sad that I couldn't too be truely happy without the tenge of sadness and misery.
Lanie and her friend Miley joined us and passed out flyers to the parents attending graduation. I was glad to have Lanies support and to have her there to pick up the pieces of receiving Liam's metal when I couldn't.
When Lanie and I got home, we decided to release a balloon in Liam's honor. Lanie said a few words then set it free. We watched until we couldn't see it anymore. And I cried.
For you little lamb. I hope this reacted you and you feel my love. I miss you so much. Everyday is a struggle but I keep my promise always to try and be "Liam Strong"
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