Miss Connection

 

I look for you everywhere.

I miss the connection.

I miss the smiles.

I miss cuddles.

I miss you.

 

Everyday I look for you.

Or memories of you.

Flashbacks of you.

 

Every day Facebook shows me pictures from that day,

in years past.

I stare at them throughout the day.

I remember when I took them.

How I felt.

What we were doing.

 

At first,

after you passed,

I had a hard time eating your favorite foods.

They just made me really sad.

Sometimes so sad I was sick to my stomach.

Things have changed.

You loved Dorritos so much.

You always had a bowl full.

I had gotten to where I couldn't stand to even smell them.

You just wanted them so much.

It had been at least a year since I had eaten them.

All of a sudden,

about a months ago,

I just started eating them.

They weren't gross to me anymore.

If left up to me,

we'd eat spaghetti,

pizza,

and a few other of your favorites all the time.

Because while I'm eating your favorites,

I feel a small connection to you.

And that makes me feel better.

 

 I keep some of your toys on display.

Some cars,

stuffed animals,

and other random things.

I don't play with them,

but sometimes I touch them.

I stare at them and try to remember you playing with them.

How many times per day you filled your bucket up with cars,

carried it to another room just to dump it out.

I think of how many times you were sick,

and all you needed was your patchwork puppy baba to feel better.

How when we lost it and I searched everywhere to find it.

And when I didn't find it,

I secretly went online and purchased another one.

Then found the original a week later.

How I think you suspected the new one was different,

but decided you didn't care.

I had to always keep one hidden so you wouldn't know.

Then one day about a year ago or so,

you walked out of your room carrying both.

You had such a huge smile on your face.

I felt like I failed,

but the smile on your face let me know it was ok.

 

I miss these moments.

I just miss you.

I'm trying everyday to be strong.

I've adopted a new saying:

"Liam strong".

Because you kept going,

you kept smiling,

you ever complained.

Even how sick you were always.

I'll try everyday to be strong like you.

To be "Liam Strong".

Love you sweet boy.