Graduating To Heartbreak

This week has been such a mix of feelings.

Liam's preschool class spent the week making giant mother's day cards,

as well as preparing for their graduation.

 

These kids have come so far.

They've grown so tall compared to what they started the year at.

They're so smart,

and have learned so much.

 

As I watch them I am both proud and sad.

Proud because of how far they've come.

Sad because my Liam should be right there with them.

 

I won't be getting a giant mothers day card with Liam's handprints.

This year was supposed to be the first year.

The first year my baby boy came home with a mothers day present for me.

These little trinkets and handmade gifts seem just that.

Unless your a mom.

Then these pieces of paper and paint become this heartfelt,

most wonderful gift.

 

I still have all the little thing Lanie made me over the years.

They mean something.

They're not just paper and paint,

popsicle sticks,

glue and glitter.

Our little ones put all their love into making these sweet things.

And when I lost my son,

I also lost these precious moments.

 

He wont wake me up Mothers Day morning,

saying "Happy Modders Day Mommy"

He wont proudly present me with his handmade gifts on Friday.

And that's hard.

 

The preschoolers will be doing a graduation ceremony at the end of this month.

I won't get my son up that morning.

I won't get him showered and dressed nice.

I won't get to take before pictures.

I won't get to drive him to school and proudly hold his hand as we walk to class.

I won't get to see him presented with his "diploma".

I won't be presented with a picture of him wearing a tiny cap and gown.

Because my son is gone.

 

I'll wake up that morning.

Done my minions shirt for their theme.

Drive to the school.

Help the teachers wrangle the kids.

Walk to the cafeteria for their ceremony.

Stare at the seat they're setting a stuffed minion in and Liam's picture.

Politely clap for each child called up to receive their "diploma".

Listen as they most likely mention Liam's name.

Walk with the kid back to class.

And help them with activities.

All while trying not to cry.

All while feeling like my heart has been ripped out of my chest.

 

I didn't just loose my son.

I lost the rest of our lives full of memories.

 

My son will forever be 4 years 5 months and 1 day old.