It's Going To Get Harder

(Image is a photo of me holding a sleeping Liam after a long day of bike riding exactly 1 year ag today)

"It's going to get harder before it gets better"

And it is. Much much harder. 

Yesterday we received Liam's DC had delivered to us at church. It had already been an emotional day from the minute I woke up. It's like I couldn't stop the tears.

Today in no different. Loosing Liam might as well of happened yesterday. 

Life is so different now. So sad.

There's still waves of denial where I think that he will be waiting at home for me. That when I pen the door I'll be greeted with his huge bright smile saying "mommy you back" as he runs towards me to hug as tight as his little arms are able. But then as waves of the ocean crash into rocks, so do my hopes. And my heart breaks all over again.

5 weeks tomorrow since I've last held my sweet boy. 

Saying life is unfair is the understatement of a life time.

I remember one day he was outside riding his 3 wheeled baby trike and he "crashed" and fell to the ground with the trike on top of him. He laid there and laughed. He thought it was so funny. 

He didn't get to spend as much time outside as he would have liked. He was always at the doors and windows looking out. This little boy at the age of 1 wanted outside so badly but we had to be so careful with him that he hardly got to experience it. He had been on a 24 hour feed and taking the pump outside had made it harder.  He used to sit at the back screen door and push cat food out this little hole to feed the dogs. He would place his tiny little hands on the screen and the dogs would try to lick him. On other occasions Liam would climb up the couch and sit in the window looking out. He was such a determined little boy. He always found a way to adapt to get what he wanted in one way or another.

There were so many nights when Liam would fall asleep in my arms and I wanted nothing more than to stay that way all night but couldn't because of his continuos night tube feed. Many nights I cried myself to sleep over the injustice. Other nights I would lay in his toddler bed with him for hours until my body cramped up forcing me to get up. And a few nights I was so frustrated I either brought the pump closer to my bed so me could sleep with me or forgot the feed all together. 

There were so many things in Liam's life that were unfair but he didn't mind most the time. 

When he started preschool this year, he figured out quickly that he was different. The kids in his class did as well when he had to go to school with oxygen. But they didn't care. They asked their questions then said he was so cool. One kid even compraired Liam to a firefighter. Liam loved it. On those oxygen days, the teachers would take blocks and puzzles outside for Liam to play during recess since he couldn't run around. The other kids would give up their playground time to play with him. They said they didn't want him to be alone. I was amazed by their acceptance and had cried over how wonderful it was. 

Days are getting harder. His room is still set up and it's s hard to see this room ready for the little by who is never coming back. I don't know how to handle all this. I'm so lost.