One Month Tomorrow

Do you know what I do?

I fix things. 

But I can't fix this. 

I can't make this all better no matter how hard I wish or how hard I pray. 

I'm trying so hard not to question God. 

But every day that passes my heart breaks more. 

I feel like I'm being sucked down a hole. 

The light is gone and I am alone.

I know in reality I'm not alone but grief does weird things. 

I'm sorry I couldn't save you baby boy. 

I'm sorry I couldn't fix you. 

"If my love could have saved you, you'd have lived forever"

I can't make this better. 

I can't take away this unbearable pain. 

I can't bring you back. 

Life isn't the same. 

The color is gone. 

Today school started back up. 

Amanda kept me busy until pick up.

I walked that school without you by my side.

It wasn't right. 

It was heart breaking. 

Tomorrow is one month.

One month ago my world was turned upside down and inside out. 

One month ago I held you as you turned blue. 

One month ago you were rushed to ER via ambulance.

One month ago an EMT scolded me for taking you to Urgent Care.

One month ago since you told me you were tired and wanted to sleep.

One month ago I held your hand and told you it would be alright and to rest.

One month ago  you seized.

One month ago you stopped breathing and your heart stopped beating.

One month ago I watched them do all they could.

One month ago my world came to a crashing halt.

One month ago I held your hand for the last time.

One month ago I held you for the last time.

One month ago I kissed you goodbye. 

One month ago tomorrow. 

I'm a mess without you. 

I walk around with a knife in my heart. 

I have to put on a smile for people and tell them I'm all right.

The truth is I don't give a damn about anyone else.

I don't care if they're done caring or it's too hard for them to come around.

I miss you and the pain of loosing you is by far the worst thing I've ever felt in my entire life and will probably be the worst ever. 

There's no getting over, or around or under this.

I'm drowning here and fighting like hell to reach the surface.