3 weeks

When I found out I was pregnant with Liam, I was in denial. I took 6 pregnancy test before I started to believe it. It took my sister in law to say "babe, it doesn't matter how many you take, they're all going to come out the same. Your pregnant". 

So I called that same day and got an appointment to be sure. 

Justin was out of town for work and I wasn't sure how I was going to tell him. I was so nervous. I thought he would be mad. You see Liam wasn't planned. In fact the plan was to wait until the following fall to get pregnant. Liam came an entire year early. 

When Justin came back home a few days later, he wasn't expecting this news. He walked in the door with a huge smile on his face "I'm home!"  Lanie was so happy, she ran into her daddy's arms. He could tell something was off because I didn't give a happy greeting. 

"Honey, I have something to tell you". I couldn't even muster a smile. I was on the verge of tears.

"Oh come on, it can't be that bad. It's not like your pregnant" he said. 

I lost it. I busted up crying and couldn't stop. He laughed, then hugged me and said asked why I was crying. I didn't know. I didn't really. Was it the pregnancy hormones kicking in? I don't know. I end up being further along than we thought, which was also a shock. 

Through the months I talked to my belly like I did when pregnant with Lanie. I promised to always take care of it and love it and protect it. I read books to it. When he finally became active, we played this game where I'd tap on my belly and he would tap back exactly where I had. Then I'd move to a different part of my belly and he'd follow. 

We grew a fast and fierce bond. 

I told him I hoped he'd be a boy because I really wanted a little boy who'd climb trees, play in the mud, love racing and football. But if he turned out to be a girl then I would love him all the same but I'd put 'me in frilly dresses with matching bows that I was sure it'd end up in the mud in just like big sister always did. 

My belly didn't grow fast like it did with Lanie. In fact people started questioning if I was really pregnant. If it wasn't for all the kicking I probably would have questioned it too. 

The day we found out he was a boy was such an amazing day. It was Justin's birthday and I got to surprise him with a baby boy onsie that said "daddy's fishing buddy" and the ultrasound pics that said "boy". We were on cloud 9. But we didn't expect Liam to be born with Congenigal Diaphragmatic Hernia. 

When he was born sick, we didn't think it could get any worse. He wasn't even expected to live. Yet he did. 

At Liam's memorial his pediatrician stood up to speak and said that he believed that Liam lived as long as he did because of me. Because of my sheer force to keep him alive. Because of the care that I gave him. He believes that if it hadn't been for me, Liam probably wouldn't of had these 4 years and 5 months. 

I see pictures I took of Liam with shirts I made him that said "CDH survivor" and I laugh at the irony. And I get angry. 

Survivor? 

When they give the survival rate, do they consider those taken later on down the road after NICU?

A year ago today Sir Isaac grew wings all because he caught some virus. 

Liam grew wings because he caught some virus that would harm someone with a healthy immune system or healthy lungs. If it wasn't for CDH, Liam would have had a healthy immune system, healthy lungs and would still be here with us. Even his DC says extenuating circumstances of CDH and Chronic Lung Disease. But no the CDH monster still found a way to claim my precious boy. 

I'm angry. It's not fair. 

I'm sad. I'm hurt. 

The little boy that I had waited for for so long and had such a special bond with, is now gone and I just can't "get over" that. There's so much injustice there. 

We didn't get to watch him open up his Christmas presents. I didn't get a chance to sit and play with his ninja turtle sewer set with him. that was wrapped up. Growing up I played with one and loved it. When Liam finally got into ninja turtles, I was so excited. When I saw the half shell heroes sewer set, I had to buy it for him. It was something I looked forward to doing and now I can't. 

He won't get to graduate preschool and move on to kindergarten. Won't get a chance to break a bone. I was t looking forward to that but I knew my little boy very well and it wasn't a matter of if but when. He never got a chance to be feeding tube free, or play on a sports team. He will never get to date, get married or have his own kids. Although the NICU nurses called every other girl that went through their section his girlfriend because he was the only boy. He also got to have his first Valentine. We had choose another CDHer, Princess Alexandria, to be his Valentine and sent her a package full of goodies. We thought it was fun. 

Even though I'm angry my baby is gone, I still recognize all the good. 

Liam was so full of life, more than anyone else I'd ever seen. He smiled through the worst illnesses. When he was on ECMO he'd wake up from the paralytic drug and would look around and smile. He would wake up after surgery all smiles. It always surprised the doctors and nurses. He was definitely a warrior. He fought to be happy, was determined to be and succeeded. He even died with a smile on his face. 

Liam's smile was infectious. You couldn't help but smile back. And when he didn't smile, things were beyond bad. There were plenty of tears from being sick as well as being mad he didn't get his way. Mostly just when he didn't get his way. Me he only didn't get his way when it would cause harm. 

But even those fits were short lived (usually), and he would be back to smiles. 

To see such a huge spirited, full of life little boy pass is.... There aren't even the right words. 

3 weeks today. 3 weeks since I held my sweet boy, kissed his head and whispered in his ear that I loved him. My heart is still breaking. I can't begin to mend my breaking heart until it stops breaking and I don't think that'll ever happen.