Life is Different

For the first time since Liam went to heaven, I went to read a book. 

That says a lot about me. I opened my kindle app to read more in a book a started reading weeks ago but I just stared at the words. My heart felt heavy and I felt guilt. I always read because I enjoy it. I also read to de-stress and to escape the worries of every day life. However this isn't something I can just get over. This tops the list of life altering situations of epic proportions. 

I don't what else to say. "Life is different" does t even begin I cover it. 

I've had moments when I could go into his room and pack up medical supplies or put some special stuff into his keepsake trunk. But mostly I just wish I could build a wall up between our room and his and have I forever stay. 

I still have phone calls to make and stuff to get rid of or pack up and I'm finding it harder the longer I wait. I just want to hide from the truth. I want to hide from the fact that my baby boy is gone forever. That I won't see him again or hold him again until I get to heaven. 

I don't sleep. I pass out for a few hours every night. Sleep brings ptsd flash backs of what happened that day. I don't want to see that tragedy over and over again. I want to remember his smile, and him running through the house. I want to hear his voice as if he's right here. I want to remember all the cuddles and his sloppy wet kisses. I don't want to remember the blue lips, ears, fingers and toes. I don't want to remember the seizure. I don't want to remember the intubation or the cpr or the blood or the doctor with tears in his eyes as he finally gave up after Liam's heart stopped for the second and final time. 

I thought my tear ducts were broken and dried up but I was wrong. The emotions are so intense they're spilling over. 

I watched Lanie ride her scooter today, well yesterday since its past midnight. I kept remembering all the times he was right out there with her on his scooter. He loved being outside. After years of being locked inside he had enough and would spend all day every day outside and still cry when it was time to come in. He didn't care what the weather was like. He just knew he wanted to be outside.