49 Days Ago

7 weeks. 

49 days. 

Everything changed. 

That was the last time I held you. 

You looked at me with utter exhaustion in your eyes and you said "mommy I tired. I sleep"

"You sleep baby. Rest. It'll be ok. Mommies here. I love you. Just sleep" I told him. 

I didn't know those were the last words he'd ever say to me. Or that I'd ever say to him. 

"Sleep baby. Just sleep"

He didn't even have the energy to cry as he was being continuously poked as the ER staff tried to get an IV but failed over and over again. 

He closed his eyes. Then they opened minutes later and the seizure started. 

They lost his heart beat. He wasn't breathing. 

It was the scariest moment of my life but still I had faith because it wasn't the first time. 

I prayed so hard. 

"God please just help my baby. Heal his little body. Please Lord I need him" I prayed over and over again. 

They got his heart to beat again but it was so faint. They had to intubation him and bag him the entire time. 

For a bit he breathed on his own yet it was weak and they kept bagging. 

I didn't know as I sat there that I was watching my son die. 

He couldn't die. 

I needed him too much. 

But I watched as he slipped away. 

It feels like it just happened. 

I'm so angry. 

I'm so sad. 

I'm lost and broken. 

I don't know where to go from here. 

I don't know how long I can go on. 

No more "huggies" from my son. 

No more sloppy kisses from my little boy. 

No more "cuddled" from my little lamb. 

No more stories. No more baths. No more hot wheels and sore feet. No more of everything that I love about my baby boy. 

But for Liam,

No more medicine. No more hospitals. No more tube feeds. No more owies. No more pain. 

He's free from all the torture this world through at him. 

That should bring me comfort. 

In a way it brings a small bit of comfort but the pain is so intense that it makes no difference in my dark heart or broken soul. 

I miss my baby.