Stages Of Grief

I look at this pic Lanie and I took at bedtime and think to myself "will I ever be strong enough to hide the pain?" 

Pain isn't a new concept in my life. I've dealt with more than my fair share of both emotional and physical pain living with fibromyalgia, chronic constant headaches, degenerative disk disease and arthritis in the middle back is extremely painful. Pain meds barely stave off the worst of the pain to lower it from "I'm dying" to "this is the worst pain I've ever felt". I don't even get pain meds to treat my conditions anymore because the doctors say pain meds for fibro is a no no. So I don't even get anything for the degenerative disk or arthritis. I just deal with it and take IBproffen on occasion. 

I live with depression and PTSD. It's really hard being so sad you don't want to get out of bed. Or reliving tragedies over and over again in your mind. How do you fight that find of pain? 

But still. None of that compares to the pain of loosing my baby boy. 

I can't hold back the tears. The damn I built up years ago is broken so the tears fall as they may. 

I had to stay strong for so long. For Liam. For Lanie. For Justin. 

I can be laughing one minute and a crying basket case the next. It's uncontrollable. 

I don't know if I'll get "better". Or get "fixed" or be able to bandage the wounds. 

They say there are stages of grief. I saw this neat chart showing in which order you will go through these stages. I laughed. And I cried. Because grief isn't this neat little concept. It's not a perfect diagram. It's a jumbled mess. You may get so far, and then you'll scramble back through the stages you already "passed". Next time you might get further before you do it all over again. A realistic chart looks like scribbles. 

(Image shows two charts of the stages of grief. On the left the perfect concept of how we go through those stages. The one I wish grief really looked like. And on the right is the realistic version of grief. No I didn't make this. I found it on google but I couldn't have explained it better myself..literally. My mind doesn't process things the same now.)

I don't know if I'll ever be happy again. 

I don't know if I'll ever not be exhausted 

I don't know what the future holds. 

Right now my emotional pain over loosing Liam hurts far worse than all the physical pain I'm going through. And because fibro is linked to depression and PTSD it's only natural that my physical pain keeps getting worse with my emotional. And still my emotions wins. 

My heart feels like it's been stabbed several times and that at the worst moments, starts bleeding out again. 

My soul feels like a mirror that's been dropped from a 100 story building. 

My mind feels like it's tying to tear itself into millions of pieces. My body like I keep stepping out in front of a semi going 200 miles per hour. 

I miss my sweet little lamb. I've said it 100 million times and I'll say it forever more. 

To survive this life, I need to find a way to build myself back up to hide this pain. 

I'm supposed to rejoin the human society. One day soon I'll have to return to work. Right now I can't. Even my doctor says I can't. So what? 

All I want to do is stay in bed and cry. I want to tell this life to fuck off. That it's hurt me over and over. That it sucks for dealing me one crappy hand after another. Why should I have to pretend that all is right in this world when my innocent sweet boy was taken from me and never got a chance to have a life? Why should I pretend that I'm ok, that everything's ok when it's clearly not? 

There's nothing right with a world in which children are suffering and dying and parents are left empty and broken. 

Im supposed to trust that this is all part of a bigger picture that will one day be clear to us, maybe. God saved me from death many times in my life. Why couldn't he have saved my son? 

I'm trying so hard not to question Gods plan. I know he didn't do this to Liam. But why couldn't he have prevented it. I want to have that blind faith, where I just trust in him and give it all to God and not worry about it anymore. Not hurt anymore. But the pain and suffering just keeps coming and it's making me weak at times. Like right now. This very moment when I just want to hold my son close, feel him breathing, watch him sleep and kiss his cheek. 

I keep praying for the strength to not question Him. To trust in him with all my heart. 

Dear God,

Please help me to be strong. Give me strength to believe fully in your promises and not question you. Please give me courage and strength to face this horrendous grief and find a way to conquer it. Please keep me in your light and out of the darkness. 

Amen. 

I love you sweet boy. Please visit me in my dreams and know that I'll always love you. Forever and ever. Until we meet again. ❤️❤️❤️