Believe In Life

"Believe in Life! Always human beings will progress greater, broader, and fuller life" 

-W.E.B. Du Bois

I haven't had much faith in life lately. I also haven't wanted to talk about it. But I think it's time I let it out because I'm prone to bottle things up until one day they explode like a shaken soda. 

You see, I am a ticking time bomb of sorts. I always have been. I just hold on to all my anger and pain until there's no room left and I can't control the explosion. 

I don't want that. I don't need that. But if I don't act soon it might be the likely ending.

I'm miserable and having a hard time seeing good and happiness.

I'm in pain constantly and that pain is getting worse with each passing day. I'm not able to find any relief. 

Before I could find relief with a heating pad or IBproffen. If the pain was really bad, I'd dip into my tramadol. 

Sadly none of that is helping. Not even the tramadol. 

I'm having a hard time walking. My muscles are twitching and spasming so bad that my body is constantly moving. 

I won't go into anymore detail.

Emotionally I am a wreck.

I'm angry at the world.

Angry I can't find my happiness.

I don't have the energy to actually speak to anyone.

My husband isn't helping the situation any, but that isn't new.

He wants me to talk to him and I just don't have the energy to let it out. 

I don't have the energy to make everyone happy.

I haven't been cooking for anyone. Justin's been doing that. But it does me no good because I don't have the energy to eat.

I finally ate at 3ish today. Just a few bites and it made me sick to my stomach.

The pain won't let me keep much food down.

I'm mad at the world because I'm mad that this is my life.

Pain filled misery.

Why me?

What did I do to deserve this?

I diligently take care of my son with his medical problems.

I hardly ever complain despite the fact that I probably deserve too.

But I don't because it's a waste of energy that I don't have.

I saw the above quote and thought maybe this is what I need.

So I take as deep of breaths as my lungs will allow (which is shallow breathes that are painful if I inhale too deeply).

With each breath I remind myself that life is good.

The sun shines.

The rain falls.

My kids smile and laugh.

God loves me.

It's like a mantra I keep saying over and over in my head. 

Maybe I'll start to believe that I should believe in Life again. 

One day. 

Maybe.