Stop Bullying

There an epidemic of bullying going on in the US. It's not a new thing by far but something that people are finally taking seriously and taking a stand against it. Last year my daughter Lanie was teased and called a baby and taunted by a kid in a higher grade. When I went to talk to the principle I was told that Lanie could no longer walk alone to her Kindergarden class that I either had to walk her or take her to the office to be walked. 

This frustrated me beyond reason. We were told at parent orientation that we could simply drop off our kindegardeners at the front and they could walk but when bullying started happening that was no longer an option. Lanie went 6 months of bullying before saying anything to is because she was too scared too. She thought she would somehow get in trouble. When I found out I did all I could to help stop this. The school however didn't seem to care. The said that the area this was happening in was monitored by staff at all times. 

I proved then wrong very quickly. Yet nothing was ever done to the kids who where tormenting my little kindegartener calling her a baby then taunting her rudely with "baby baby baby baby" over and over. Followed by laughing in her face. They also called her a loser. All this happened during their stand up to bullying campaign. Yea I get the irony. 

I started just walking her to class everyday last year. Figured since the school wouldn't do their job then I would. This meant no breakfast in the cafeteria with her friends, no Friday dance party, nothing. It was un-just and unfair. 

The rules for this year now that she's in first grade are different. They have no playground they're allowed to play on in the mornings. The can't go straight into their classrooms. No. This year they must go straight to the cafeteria to sit at their classrooms assigned table. No ifs ands or buts. I thought we left the bullying behind last year but I was so wrong. The same kid/kids that bullies Lanie last year are at it again. Already, on only the 4th day of school. This older girl is now the leader of a group whom she makes bully others. She points to the victim and they go right at it. 

This is Lanie after school today. She was very upset, emotional and heart broken. She bravely relayed the details of what they said to her as well as what they looked like. It breaks my heart to see her so upset. She should feel safe at school. She should only have to worry about her homework not what names she's being called that day. She shouldn't come home and shut down like this. My naturally happy, friendly, chatty girl didn't want to talk. She broke down crying while we asked questions. She needed a minute. She needed to breathe, relax, let it out. 

Why it doesn't come as second nature to teach our kids name calling and bullying confounds me. As babies I taught my kids we aren't mean to others. We don't push, pull hair, bite, call names or do anything to hurt someone's feelings. We are our children's first teachers so why not. It's not hard. I also teach my kids to stand up for others being bullied. Don't allow it to happen, have your friends back, tell an adult.

But it's hard to tell an adult when none of them listen or don't care. How can we expect our children's to have faith in those who are supposed to protect them when those who are there to protect them won't do so? How can our kids have faith in them if we can't have faith in them? 

Bullying at school leads to situations like columbine. School shootings and bombings can be stopped years before they happen by merely putting an end to the bullying. It seems the only time people want to stand up to bullying is AFTER someone gets physically hurt, threatened or killed. To the schools eyes it's just a few kids acting out a little and they'll tell them to play nice and send them on their way to do it again without any actual punishment. 

Not acting now causes a butterfly effect for the future. Stop bullying now. A small things may seem useless untill added to everything else that's happened. I'm not saying that this will lead to something disasterous at school one day in the far future. What I'm saying is this is how it starts. We need to stop it now. Right now before it gets worse. The kids being bullied need to be free of it and those doing the bullying need help too because there's a reason they're acting out. 

What would you so if your child came how so sad and upset and shut down like this

#stopbullying #standuptobullys 

(I am not associated in anyway with stopbullying.gov I just came across it while looking up some sites to help give me some tools to help Lanie. I am just a mother trying to end the pain for my daughter)

Surviving through the horrible threes

We've all heard of the terrible two's. Most of us are even warned of just how terrible a child the age of two can be. But were you aware of the horrible three's?

I never heard of this until my son was 2 1/2 years old. My daughter went through terrible two's and we both managed to get through it unscathed. Things were fine until she was about to turn 6 years old. Now she acts more like a 16 year old  during THAT time of the month!! But that's another story. 

No one warned me of just how bad a three year old could be. Not until it was too late. My sweet loving little boy? Really? I doubt he could turn into a monster. Not the same boy who even at age two acted as if he was a one year old. He hadn't even gone through terrible twos how could it get worse? 

Well right around his third birthday so many things changed. His attitude was a major one. My sweet little boy turned into a monster over night. I say that figuratively although in the midst of a three year old fit I have my doubts. I am shocked every time he has one. 

If he doesn't get that toy (or 100) he wanted in the store he throws a earth shattering scream at the top of his lungs people looking at me like I hit him kind of fit. My jaw will instantly drop to the ground in utter shock. Could this really be happening? Yes yes it is. 

Those kids that's come through my line when I was younger and didn't know better, the ones that cried and screamed because their parent refuses to spend a few dollars or even less on something they wanted. I couldn't understand why they didn't just buy them what they wanted to avoid that outburst. I mean really what's $1 gonna do? It'd give you peace and quiet. 

Oh how naive I was back then. I mean seriously I thought those were one time incidents so I figured why not just spend the $1. I saw no harm in it. I told myself that my child would never behave that way and that I'd spent the $1 for peace sake. 

Boy was I dumb! Young and dumb. Younger me was so naive. My kid has been that crying kid in a store because I refused to purchase a dollar toy. I fact it just happened 3 days ago in a dollar store. I refused to buy Liam a cheap train with tack because it looked like it would break before ever getting it out of it's package. I felt it a huge waste of money so i offered him match box cars instead. 

What happened? Screaming at the top of his lungs. I was shocked even though it has happened before. Instead of handing him the train and buying it I walked away from the toys and checked out. Nope I was sticking to my guns. Why? Because he does this every time we say no. 

I finally realized why those parents would tell their kids no and it would lead to melt downs. This was the reality. All kids throw fits. All parents either stand their ground till the child learns or they give in and this behavior continues. Seeing as how I want the behavior to end, I refuse to buy anything when the fits start. When I say no it's no. Not throw a fit and I give in. 

I finally understand that this isn't being mean. It's called being a parent trying to teach their child how to become a thriving well adjusted human being. How would I look at age 31 throwing a fit in the store because I couldn't have that Barbie doll? Ridiculous and crazy right?! Well that's what we want to avoid.

Granted he's still my sweet, loving, oh so adorable son. He just throws fits. Now to clear the air, this doesn't happen every time we go into a store. In fact I was able to take Liam shopping with me the other day and we just so happened to walk down the toys. I thought I'd test his restraint. Mean right? Not really. He needs to learn and I was walking down those aisles with purpose that did not include a new toy for Liam but a present for someone else. He kept saying things like "Oooh cool" and "look mom look cars". I would very gently tell him "No Liam we aren't buying that today" and was blessed with a drawn out "okay mommie". His voice was a little sad but he understood that today was not the day.

After walking down every toy aisle without one fit whatsoever I felt relieved and so so proud. I even wanted to reward him for his restraint so ended up buying him 2 .97cent hotwheels cars. I should of had more restraint but he had been so good I thought he earned it. These are the behaviors we want to reinforce right? So whats the harm in rewarding him for being good? I can't tell you if the reward helped or not because me being me reverted back to my old ways of giving him what he wants while in the store then discretely asked the cashier to hide them from him sight because we didn't want them.

I think the biggest lesson here is that our behaviors can and will cause our children to behave a certain way. As parent's we should stick to our guns and not buy our children everything they want but reward them when they do good. This is a hard lesson to learn, and the habit of spoiling our children is hard to break. That being said I spoil the heck out of my kids. Why? I thought that was what parents who love their children do. That's simply not true. You can love your kids and not spoil them to the point of disaster.

I guess now that Lanie is 6 and Liam is 3 I'm finally catching on to this disastrous behavior. With the recent developments in Lanie refusing to clean her room, Liam telling me no, and me having to clean up after them I'm realized I did it all wrong. Birthday and Christmas presents have always been 10x bigger than they really needed. The random buying of toys just because hasn't helped. In fact it's done my bank account some damage. Why am I broke all the time? Because any bit of pay that doesn't go to bills tends to go to toys, new clothes, new movies and books. Whatever they want.

I'm not saying laying on doing them stuff for one month will make a big difference because it won't. But when you look at the long term effect of these habits it's just shocking how much money is basically wasted. I am highly guilty of spoiling my kids and going without to get them whatever they want not just need. The light bulb went off in my head yesterday and I realized that I've been doing wrong all  these years. Sure my kids love it but where has it got me?

Broke and having to deal with huge fits being thrown when I say "No" to buying something for Liam or Lanie (but mostly Liam). Starting now I'm going to try to change these habits and see where it gets me. The money I would have spend on something they wanted is going into a jar and we will see how much I can save up. Hopefully I can re-teach my kids and fix the issue of the colossal fits. 

Untainted Joy

I see other kids Liam's age and I can't help but compare Liam to them. I mean let me honest here, it was a knee jerk reaction. 

"Awe look at your kid running, that's so awesome" Why doesn't mine run?

"Awe she/he just said the cutest thing" I have to decode what my son says. 

"Wow she/he ate all their food!! And wants seconds, sure sweetie here you go" I'm lucky if my kid take 3/4 bites of something. 

Yep knee jerk reaction. I just couldn't/can't help it. Yea I understand the difference between a "normal healthy" child and well mine. He's in a category all by himself. Atleast that's how I felt. There were few others in the category with him but none close and none we've met. Two, maybe three, at max 6 kids.

Other tube fed, cdh survivor or medically fragile child I've followed either doesn't have their tubie long, doesn't eat at all by mouth because they're basically paralyzed or have severe gastroparesis, or eat their hearts out and still don't gain weight (meaning eat everything in sight).

I really thought Liam would be in the 'eat their hearts out and still not gain weight" category. Really did. Nope. Instead my son eats when the mood strikes and doesn't give a hoot to eat on a sched. He's also extremely picky. Yet this kid will stick anything and everything that is not food in his mouth. Yea not fun to wrestle non food items out of a child mouth who have a mouth full of teeth and knows just how to use them!! 

Anyhow I'm getting off topic and not saying what I really wanted to say.

There were times people would post about how their child got their feeding tube removed and how happy they were. The same people would barely post about their tubie journey or give insight to just how they got their once none eating child to actually eat. It's quiet frustrating. Here I am trying to spread awareness about all thing CDH related including and not limited to feeding tubes. 

But still. I congratulated them and on some level was very happy for them and especially the child. Woo hoo tube free!! Amazing. And it is. It really really is. Honestly. But on some sub-level I was dismayed. Disappointed that after all my hard work my son still has his tube and still refuses to eat more often than not. And everything revolves around spaghetti, noodles, Doritos and French fries. Oh and at times fruit snacks and maybe once or twice a month dry cereal. 

But even offering the go to fave foods he still refuses more often than not. And do I really want him to live off those items? Not really. There's not enough nutritional value. 

So you can imagine my frustration (or I hope you can). I've resigned myself to tube feeds, sticky stinky formula, getting up for feeds through the night, having to put the tube in when it comes out, tube infections and fight over food. Yea I'm resigned. It is what it is. 

But today. Today I had a complete different reaction. It was a knee jerk. There were no "why won't my kid do that?" Or anything else. My reaction was pure, unfiltered happiness for someone else's child's accomplishments. I was truely happy for this little boy. And for his momma. 

I was actually taken back by my reaction of pure simple happiness and joy. This was the first time I didn't think about how I wish it were me posting this and not someone else. Nope. Not once. And do you know how that made me feel? AMAZING! 

Truely utterly amazing lifted up in a cloud of happiness. 

I was truly happy for someone else's bliss and improvements.

It felt like a weight being lifted off my chest. Some people don't realize how very stressful it is to constantly worry about your child's health and improvements. Most people never have a reason to have to constantly worry. It takes a toll on your body and your mind. 

It can drive you to the breaking point. To a point where your not sure you can ever return from. And to never be 100% happy for someone else without thinking "why not me" or "why not my kid". It's draining. 

But today I've reached a new platou. Life looks a bit brighter. The sun is shining a bit brighter. Everything has a bit more color to it. I can breathe a bit deeper and smile a guinuine smile that hardly makes an appearance. Yes this is a great day. 

I know a lot of people who if the read this would probably be offended by the fact that they never knew I wasn't completely guinuine when I said I was happy for them. It's not that I wasn't guinuine because I was, but it was tainted by...by jealously I guess. Or maybe it was despair at my own situation I don't know. But they would take this wrong. Twist the words and manipulate it until it's ugly. 

No I was happy for you but yes it was tainted but the tainted was more for my life than yours. Yes I was happy for you bit I wished mine could be doing as well. For a girl whose lived her 31 years on this world filled with more misery than anyone could ever guess, you have to admit that if I can still feel happiness for someone else after all my misery that that's HUGE. Maybe in a way I've been overly happy and overly giving to others to maybe make up for that. I don't know but that's for another post. 

When I saw this picture of a little boy whom I've been following for years now, eating corn, I was overcome with joy. Pure untainted joy. And when his momma told me all he had eatin for dinner my jaw dropped and instantly I wanted to reach into the computer and hug this little boy and his momma. 

This little boy is a CDH survivor and has basically traveled the same exact road Liam had. I bonded with this momma over it. I gave advice where I had the wisdom to share. I prayed for this little boy and his momma more than I can count. I sent his big sisters hair bows. 

When I saw this post about this little boy eating I thought:

Way to go momma!! Wait to go P!! You did it!! 

Pure unedited, untainted joy!! That felt better than anything. 

You learn so much by following others journeys through life weather it's a medical journey or not. But I believe you learn more following those who've had to fight for every breathe they take. They see live differently and are unashamed in sharing how they feel about what they've been through because it's made them who they are today. They appreciate life more. Same can be said for the families of these people. Some cases touch my heart more than other.

In the case of baby P, his story just captured my heart. Not just because he and Liam have the same birth defect or that their journys have been so similar it borders on scary. No two CDH kids are alike. Each one is different and follows his or her own path. There are probably none two as alike as Liam and P. And that fact did help to capture my heart and make me feel close to his momma. But when I looked at his face and into his eyes I felt I could see a peice of his soul. Same as with Liam. Some babies are like old souls and their eyes shine with just love, knowledge and wisdom. Their eyes seem to see into your very soul.

When I looked into baby P's eyes (via pictures) I felt this. Just as I had with Liam. It's like theres an instant bond and you feel connected to these kids. P reminded me of Liam in so many ways I just felt connected to him and therefor his momma. And like me, how I love Liam, P's momma just loves P to peices and wants the best for him. How could you deny a love like that? 

You could tell me a thousand times my son ate a whole meal and I wouldn't believe it unless I saw it. When momma posted a picture of baby P eating corn on the Cobb and mowing down, I could just see the utter joy in this babies eyes. I could (or imagine) him in his cloud of happiness just chewing away. I instantly light up like fireworks. My brain pumped out so much serotonin it was crazy! 

This picture below...this picture makes me feel total untainted joy. And for that I am so greatfull. Because of this I have reached a new platou in this journey where I no longer think "why not my son?". 

(Picture taken by P's momma and shared with permission) check out his FB group 'Baby P (fight the fight little man)

Why not my son? Because it wasn't his time. It was P's and that's something we can rejoice and celebrate. 

I say completely overjoyed and untainted:

CONGRATS BABY P!! YOU DID IT!! YOUR AMAZING!! 

And momma your doing an amazing job!! I know how hard the journey is to get your tubie to eat but you overcame than with hard work and dilligance. You never gave up. That's inspiring to all of us other moms working on getting our tubie to eat a substantial, or even unsubstantial amounts of food. Think about it for a minute. YOU did this. Your hard work is the reason he's eating. You may have a few stains on your shirt but you made it through the food fight. This is the start of a new chapter for you both! You deserve a round of applause 👏, a high five ✋, two thumbs up 👍👍...or maybe a cup of coffee ☕️. 

I don't normally go out on a limb and do this kind of post but you inspired me. I know I helped you through some rough times and you helped me through some rough times, but when I was starting to feel like giving up you inspired me to keep at it. You also helped me grow as a person just being able to follow P's journey. For that I am so thankful. Because of you I can now be joyous for others and untainted. 

You go momma! 

Younique 3D Fiber Lashes

A friend of mine sells Younique and asked me to give their 3D fiber lashes a shot and tell her what I honestly thought. I love mascara. It's a staple in my everyday life. The longer and thicker my lashes look the better. I normally won't leave the house without at least putting on mascara (and eye liner). So when she asked me to try Younique's 3D fiber lashes I was pretty excited. 

I wasn't sure what to expect because I had never heard of "3D fiber lashes" before. Seeing as how I'd never even used the glue on lashes, I was clueless about this. But surprisingly Younique's 3D fiber lashes were so simple to use. 

Step one: put on the gel just like normal mascara. 

Step two: put on the fiber just like normal mascara. 

Step 3: put on a second coat of gel and bam your done!!

A simple easy 1,2,3 done. I loved that. I generally end up putting on 2 or 3 coats of mascara anyway. The 3D Fiber lashes didn't take any longer to apply than normal. That was another added bonus for me. 

Regular mascara, no matter the brand tends to feel heavy and clumps my lashes together. I was always annoyed by this but didn't know there was another way. I had tried so many mascaras and every single one caused my eye lashes to be heavy and clump. What I loves about Younique's 3D fiber lashes was that it felt light. It didn't feel like I had anything on my eye lashes at all. Yet another bonus. 

Another thing I noticed at the end of the day was that regular mascara tends to smear. I end up with black smudges under my eyes. I normally have to apply a second coat sometime during the day to keep my makeup looking fresh. At the end of the day wearing 3D fiber lashes I noticed there was no smearing, no having to re-coat my lashes. They still looked just as good as they did when I first applied it. 

I was amazed. Truely amazed and so pleased with the result. I now prefer the look the 3D fiber lashes give vs well just about every other brand mascara. That's huge. You can't deny results when they look so good. See for yourself:

Here I am before using anything compared to 3D fiber lashes. Absolute beautiful transformation. 

Now since they worked so well for me, I wanted to try them out on someone else. Give you two demonstrations on how well Younique works. The following is my niece with bare eyelashes compared with 3D fiber lashes:

The length and volume you gain when using Younique is amazing. Your lashes look lush and beautiful and this look last ALL DAY LONG!! 

I swear by Younique 3D Fiber Lashes! You can see all the products Younique offers at http://www.youniqueproducts.com/justbeyou 

Proud Of Our Tubie

          I sit here laughing because the gauze came off Liam's gtube and he came and showed me. "Mom mom" he said as he lifted his shirt and pointed to his button. "It's ok Liam your fine" I said. Then he goes and shows his dad "dad dad". "Liam put your shirt down no one wants to see that!" I told him playfully. You see Liam is very proud of his button. So proud he will randomly pull his shirt up and show anyone including strangers. Of course it doesn't effect us because we are used to it. But Liam does this for a reaction so we tend to play with him a little.

          We playfully crunch our noses and in the silliest voice we say "eeewww Liam no one wants to see that but that thing away" and we proceed to tickle him and we all have a good laugh. This is what I did tonight, only as I said this Lanie walked into the room and says "eeww" because she plays the game as well. Only this time Liam runs toward her with his button in plain view laughing every step. Lanie gives him one of her fake screams and then proceeds to 'run away'. Liam starts laughing harder and chases after her. They ran in circles around the living room laughing until they couldn't breathe. Now you have to realize that Liam is a boy who spends 90% of his time in just a diaper because its hot and that just how he likes it. He is very proud of his button and he also enjoys these games we play.

           None of us are grossed out by it in any way at all. In fact these games are what helped him be ok with it because we turned him showing it off into a joke. We take the feeding tube itself very seriously. We never tell him its gross. We only joke with him in a way he gets. The "eww nobody wants to see it" always comes with smiles, tickles and laughter. The feeding tube saved his life and is allowing him to have a more "normal" life.

          Without the feeding tube I don't know that he would have lived to see the age of three. How long could he go on TPN without being a shadow of yourself? That would have meant growing up in a hospital completely. With the feeding tube he gets to do what other kids his age do. He gets to play and run and experience all that any other kid his age gets too. Sure we have to wrap his stomach with an ace bandage at times so that his Gtube doesn't get pulled out but it's all worth it.

          Liam gets to start pre-school this month. He gets to play in sand, go swimming, swing and climb. He gets to laugh and run and grow. With the feeding tube he's finally thriving. He's finally doing well. Sure it was rocky there for awhile but now his feed is dialed in and he's growing. So thank you to the Ancient Egyptian's who started finding alternative ways to feed people who couldn't eat the traditional way.

The following are pictures from Liam's Feeding Tube Journey:

Going Into First Grade

Lanie is growing way to fast for me.

I can't believe she will be starting 1st grade.

And in only 6 days!

Time has flown way to fast.

Today we took her pre-first grade pictures.

(Above: dress from Target/ Headband from Cherubim)

(above: Dress from DD's Discounts and Headband from Cherubim)

(above: Dress from DD's Discounts and headband from Cherubim)

(above: Dress from DD's Discounts and headband from Cherubim)

Disclaimer: I have no affiliation with Target or DD's stores and was no paid to advertise them or to shop there. I just posted in case a reader would like to know where I bought these adorable dresses. All headbands are made by me and I sell them on my Cherubim Facebook page.

Flash Back Friday: Baba

       
           I don't know if any of your remember Liam's very favorite stuffed puppy Baba. He used to carry Baba everywhere. Baba was the first toy he really took too and the first one he ever named. He said Baba before he even said mommy or daddy! The day he named Baba was epic. It was during a Bright Start visit and we were using the stuffed dog to get his eyes to follow it around as well as reach out for it. It was one of the only toys for a very long time that he was willing to hang on to and hold.

          He had looked at the stuffed puppy and worked himself up to say "baba". All jaws dropped. WHOO HOO!! It was awesome. I had been on the verge of tears, trying so hard to keep those from escaping. I was so happy. He was showing signs of improving and this day was huge. Since then he's always called that stuffed puppy Baba. When we moved July of 2012 Baba went missing. I had been so careful throughout the move to keep Baba close to Liam but somehow he went missing. It wasn't until August of 2012 that Baba (or baba's twin brother) returned home to us. You see after 2 weeks of looking for Baba I gave in and bought a new one off Amazon. I just couldn't keep this little boy away from his puppy, and I couldn't imagine anything else soothing him during his hospital stays. He needed his puppy.

       

          Baba was ingrained into our lives. It felt like he was a part of Liam because everywhere Liam went that puppy went too. Baba was buy his side while recovering from several surgeries, countless hospital stays and many days spent sick  in bed. Baba offered just as much comfort, or maybe even more, than he got from me. At the time Baba went missing he had been with Liam for 6 months. 6 months was a long time for the adventures he went through.

Baba stayed by Liam side through so many hospital stays.

His smiling face and soft patchwork body always helped Liam feel better.

Liam's 11 month pictures were taken with Baba by his side.

Where is Baba now?

Oh he's around...and so is his twin brother that also goes by the name Baba lol. We keep them by Liam's bed afraid to loose them again. They still provide lots of comfort and love. He still chews on their ears and tails and plays with them. Sometimes he makes barking noises and acts like Baba did it. He also likes to pretend Baba is licking him and he will laugh and say "OOOh puppy your funny" and "stop licking". It just more proof that a bond between a boy and his puppy cannot be broken.

Random Thought Of Frustration

          What do you pack when you go on a trip far far away from home? One where to hop on an airplane. What should you consider when packing. Do you take many different outfits all with their own accessories that you can't mix and match OR do you pack color coordinating outfits that you can mix? For all intents and purposes lets just say I've never flown before because well NOT being able to remember anything about flying I might as well have never flown. 

          I've notorious for over packing. I will pack enough clothes for a week when only going away for 2 days. My theory has always been "better safe than sorry" and "you never know what to expect so prepare for the unthinkable". Plus when packing for two kids you always need lots of extras because it never fails that they will always get dirty. But this trip I'm only packing for myself. Just me. *Sigh* By myself. My trip will be 5 days long. I will leave on the 1st day and come back on the 5th. So technically I'll only be away from my kids and husband for 3 days.

          They can handle everything alone for 3 days right? Oh I hope so. I keep asking myself if I'm being selfish going on this trip. I sit here afraid to be gone that long because I have NEVER been away from my kids longer than over night. I hardly ever do anything for myself. Everyone else always comes first. This isn't just some random trip or vacation away from home. This trip is to reunite with my family that I haven't seen for 20 years. A family that I was ripped away from and didn't reconnect with until last November. My family that I had spent so much time trying to find.

          I wish I could bring everyone with me this time around but its just not possible. Both kids are starting school next week. Liam really doesn't need to be on a plane confined in that small area with people who are carriers of who knows what. I keep promising myself that I will go back again and take the whole fam. Somehow. 

          In other news, I got a letter in the mail yesterday. I didn't get the county job I wanted. I knew the minute I saw the mail carrier putting the letter in the mailbox. My heart had clutched tight. When I saw the stamp on the envelope my heart dropped. A letter was the last thing I wanted. Nope instead I wanted the phone call. But I never got a phone call, instead I got a letter. A letter full of polite words that felt like daggers to the heart. Polite words that were just a placate. I saw right through it.

          Sure the letter said they'd keep my name on file in case they needed to hire more people. But I know that generally means your name will never be selected. I do feel like there was a bit of discrimination there but proving it and fighting over it wont get me anywhere. All my life I've had to fight harder. Getting jobs has been difficult. I'm only 4'9" and look younger than I am. No one wants to hire someone that looks young and short and no one respects people who are short and look young. Then there's the fact that I'm the wrong ethnicity in this county. Like I said even with proof it's still hard to fight. And whats the point of fighting. I won't get a job out of it and it'll just put a sign on my back for other employers to not hire me.

          It is what it is. Sure I had things planned around getting the job. I had dreams of what this job could do for my family. Now it's time to come up with new plans. Isn't that half the fun away? Maybe I will get called for a job later on down the road. I don't know but I can't count on it. I feel like this is a lesson to stop dreaming and stop planning and just plain stop trying to get ahead in a life where you'll always sink. Cant float with anchors tied to your feet. 

          It's sad and a but depressing but life goes on and so will I. 'Everything happens for a reason'. 'Theres something better for you out there'. Said by people who don't understand what it's like to be a short and young looking woman in this world of tall people. Is that what I am to teach my daughter? That tall and beautiful will get you further in life than short and young looking will? Because that's the lesson that this messed up world has taught me. Brains don't matter in a world where beautiful and selfies rule. Screw it! Screw the world for thinking that. Why should how you look be more important that your knowledge? 

          I refuse to teach that to my daughter. She will learn to work hard no matter how pretty or how tall she is. She will have high standards and dream. She will learn that the world owes her nothing and she must fight for what she wants. She will not become part of the epidemic where people become famous for doing absolutely nothing. 

Beauty In The Past

          I was on Facebook just looking at post as normal when I saw a beautiful post by the page Neonatal Intensive Care Awareness Month about Kangaroo Care. They posted a picture of a mom holding her baby with as much skin to skin contact she could without being completely topless. In the comments a few other moms whose babies where in NICU commented with pictures of their babies when in NICU using the same Kangaroo Care technique of skin to skin contact. One of the pictures was a baby born at only 24 weeks. The baby was so tiny it (the gender wasn't posted) fit in the plam of her hand. The baby had to of weighed less than a pound.
          I found this picture (as well as the others) to be very endearing. To me it spoke of courage and strength for both the baby and it's mother. I showed my husband and he had a complete different reaction. He asked me why I keep reading depressing stuff like that article. I explained how I didn't see this as depressing. Yes at one point I would have but I've long ago lost my anger for our NICU experience. I explained how I felt this picture was beautiful and that it told the story of survival and the will to fight. It told the story of a miracle that a baby so tiny could survive being born at only 24 weeks.
          He said again that it was depressing and that I needed to stop looking and reading things like that. He felt that it was only a reminder of what our son went through and how he's not "normal". My jaw hit the floor. I don't need a reminder from other peoples pictures and stories that my son isn't "normal", how could I forget? But what I see when I look at him is the miracle that he is. Every breath he takes is a miracle for the baby that wasn't expected to live. Every smile and every laugh is a reminder. After years of struggling with this, I've finally reached a point where I can see the beauty in the struggle. I can see past the tubes and wires. I can see the blessings in the midst of the struggle. And that I feel is the key to moving on.
          Just because you move on doesn't mean you can't visit the past. It doesn't mean you have to forget what you've been through. Every trial we face molds us as are we are today. It just means you can look at it differently than you did back then.

There beauty in the fight. He may be laying here sedated but he's fighting for every second. The fact that he has the will and strength to fight is just plain beautiful.+

One of the first times Liam was allowed to be fully alert and awake. Staring into his eyes and having this moment meant the world to me. It was beautiful.

Big sister Lanie meeting her little brother for first time. This picture speaks volumes. It tells a story of a girl who has been waiting a long time to meet her baby brother and to love him. It a story of acceptance and un-ending love.

This picture tells a story of a mother who waited what felt like eternity to hold her child. She sat by his side day in and day out, supporting him just for a chance at this moment right here. The way she looks at her son with such love and devotion. The way her hand it placed tells how gentle shes being so not to hurt him as well as how much she can't believe this moment has finally arrived.

These pictures tell a story of strength and survival, of never ending love and devotion.

Now tell me these pictures aren't beautiful.

I love my son for who is and what he went through only helped him develop into the gentle, caring, life loving kid he is today. Our story is beautiful. Plain and simple.

Mold Found in GoGo SqueeZ Pouches

I've been seeing many post pop up about the squeeze pouches for kids. This includes juices and foods. I stopped buying CapriSun because of mold found inside. Now the brand of fruit pouches I buy for Liam have popped up with mold in them. Just plain sick! I will not buy another pouch again. In fact I will be filling my own clear pouches with apple sauce for Liam from now on.

The company said that they tested other pouches produced in the same batch as well as around the same time this one was. They said they also went to the store this pouch was purchased as well as surrounding stores to test the product on their shelves. GoGo SqueeZ said no other pouch was found to have mold or any other foreign body in them. They explained that this could happen if the pouch got a small hold in it or from prolonged air exposure. After reading their response and what they've done to try and make things right I believe that thats probably what happened. Still its probably safer just to use my own clear pouches. Although if these companies would use clear packaging it would probably put a lot of parents minds at ease about continuing to use these products.


This was posted on GoGo SqueeZ Facebook page by a consumer:

I would like to know why you deliberately took down the post I made this morning about the rotten GoGo pouch that my one year old son ate. He is currently being treated in the hospital with an IV due to his intoxication. All the pouches in that box were ROTTEN, all with a date of March 2015. Is this how you respond to a customer's concern? By making sure you delete the post so it doesn't continue to spread? Why do you create a Facebook page so that we can provide our feedback...? Shouldn't it be for the good or for the bad? Not everything is peaches and cream! And a good Company must acknowledge that... you keep the nice and good posts.. why do you delete the ones that aren't just as nice? I am just doing the right job by creating awareness so that parents can be more cautious before giving it to their kids.

This is how GoGo SqueeZ responded:

Recently a consumer reported on our Facebook page, finding mold in a container of our product. We immediately contacted the consumer to find out where and when this product was purchased, and began carefully looking into the situation. As part of our investigation, we tested and reviewed other samples manufactured at the same facility shortly before, during and after the same time as the product that was reported to us, and all passed our stringent quality control standards. 

Also as part of our research into this matter, we visited the store where the product was purchased, and other stores in the vicinity, and ran tests on products available on their shelves. The results in each case confirmed that there was no presence of any foreign material, including mold. 

Although this kind of reported incident is rare, because GoGo squeeZ fruit pouches are all natural and preservative-free, in instances where there is a small hole or leak in the pouch, or a prolonged exposure to air, it is possible for mold to develop. This type of common food mold is similar to what can be experienced with bread or fruit that has been overly exposed to air.

At GoGo squeeZ, nothing is more important to us than the quality and safety of our products and satisfying our consumers, which our significant manufacturing and quality control protocols help ensure. 

We appreciate our consumers bringing this to our attention. We also appreciate the trust you, and all our consumers have put into GoGo squeeZ. 

If you have any questions or concerns about our products, we urge you to reach out to us at consumercare@gogosqueez.com.
*****
First and foremost, we want to assure our loyal consumers that there is nothing more important to us than the quality of our products. We have rigorous quality standards in place and we are committed to investigating this matter through to resolution. As for the deleted Facebook post, we sincerely apologize - this was a mistake that should not have happened and is not consistent with our community standards. We are taking steps to ensure this mistake is not repeated in the future.

Perfection

You are the son I always prayed for. 

The baby my arms longed for. 

The one who changed my life forever. 

You are the baby we use to handle with care,

Afraid we would hurt you.

You were tiny but brave. 

Little but strong. 

You taught me the true meaning of strength. 

From your tiny fingers to your tiny toes

I loved you more than most. 

The more you grow

The more I love 

Your perfect just the way you are

Scars and all. 

18 Days Till I take Flight

Flying Giraffe's! Oh my!!

In just 18 days  I will be taking flight but I don't expect to see any flying giraffe's. The only thing

I expect to see is lots of family, and not through a window either! After all this is a family reunion 20 years overdue.

My eyes cannot wait to see my Grams, Uncle, Aunt and cousins.

My arms cannot wait to fling themselves around them in a tight hug.

My brain cannot wait to soak up all the info I can to know them.

The last time I flew I was very young.

I have snitbits of memories of an airport and of sitting in a plane.

A plane I never thought even took off the ground.

In preparing for this journey I've had to learn a lot.

I had to read all the rules and regulations for flying.

I didn't realize there were so many rules of what you can't take.

Your only allowed so many ounces of "chemicals".

Shampoo's, conditioners, mouth wash and more.

No weapons, blades or razors.

This includes razors you'd use to shave your legs.

Wow!

Just wow!

Has this really happened here in the USA?

Yes it has and for good reason.

I am thankful that I had the brains to look this up.

What else did I have to look up?

Well luggage was an important one.

If you haven't flown much or at all you'll realize late in the game that you have to pay extra for luggage.

There is also a size limit on said luggage.

Your allotted a suitcase measuring 16"w x 24"t x 10"d.

It seems small when looking at the dimensions but I realized quickly while searching for a suitcase that its not too bad. I can fit everything I need and more in the suitcase I ended up with, and its smaller than these dimensions giving me a wiggle room of almost 3 inches on each side. That way I know when I get there that it will fit no matter what.

 

I'm not one who is willing to pay out a lot of money for well anything. I first tried to borrow so I didn't have to spend any money at all but no one had anything with the measurements I needed. I looked at Target and was a bit shocked at how expensive luggage was. I mean really, 199.99 for a suitcase?! Granted it was one I could fit into (I'm only 4'10" i could fit almost anywhere) but still. They did have a 3 piece luggage for $39.99. That seemed reasonable but it was still more than what I was looking for. I ventured on to the kids luggage, I mean seriously does it really matter what it looks like? They had one (well 1 boy and 1 girl) that was the right size for $23.99 but that was still more than I wanted to spend before looking around.

I left Target and went on to DD's. My niece was in search of shoes so I figured since we were going there anyway I should look to see what they had for luggage. I was pleasantly surprised by the array of suitcases they had in stock. I choose one of the smallest ones they had in hopes that it would fit within the guidelines for a carry on. I got lucky and as I said I had about 3" on each side so I knew it had to fit. So now I  know you're wondering how much I paid for this pretty purple suitcase on wheels with a extending handle. I paid a whopping $15.99 plus tax! You can't beat that for something new.It's sturdy and feels strong. Nothing about it screams "cheaply made" which was another concern. I didn't want to pay for crap.

Another obstacle I have to face now is fitting enough clothes for 4 days in this thing. Luckily I had my brain working while I was out searching for luggage and thought to get those bags you compress the air out of so spare room. I figured if I pack lightly and used these that I would have plenty of room to bring the kids back a few surprises if I found anything while there. 

Your also allowed a personal carry on. This can be a purse, breifcase, computer bag, whatever as long as it fits within strict dimensions. 18"w x 14"h x 8"d

I figure I can take the biggest purse I have if I don't have enough room in my suitcase for my camera and what not. 8" depth is not very big but again I was surprised when one of my biggest purses fit those dimensions. I can fit a lot in that purse!

So now that my luggage problem has been solved I have so much to do to get ready. Only 18 days. These next 18 days are filled to the rim with things that need to be done. School shopping is thankfully done. I've got doctors appointments for Liam for shots and tb test. His button looks infected so that will have to be looked at. We have school meeting to attend and things to get in order before I can leave. Thankfully Lanie and Liam's first days of school are different so I can be there for both.