Sunday, August 3, 2014

Remembering Dad

Today has been a quiet and somber day. A air of hushed quietness yet sadness blanketed the air. Dark clouds cover the sky, hiding the sun from view. They reflect my mood, a mood I've been in since I woke up this morning not knowing why. I've been expecting the sky to open up and shroud us with heavy rain, yet not one drop has fallen. I love the rain. I don't always like to be out in the rain but I still love it. There's beauty in the dark so called gloomy weather.

But my mood has reached a new level. My Grams texted me and asked if I knew when my Dad's birthday was. I didn't actually. I didn't know a whole lot about my Dad seeing as how he died, was killed in front of a convenient store by some guy who couldn't think past that moment, who didn't give a single thought to the all the people he'd hurt besides my Dad. A guy who selfishly didn't care if he left two kids without a father to love them. As angry as I was for a long time, and sometimes still am at this selfish, uncaring, black hearted person, I cannot change the past. I cannot undo his actions.

Anyhow, in a text from Grams she said that today was Dad's birthday. That he was born August 3, 1964 and died January 13,1991. This info only added to today's somber mood. In a matter of 30 seconds I experienced anger, pain, grief and acceptance. There's not a whole lot I can do about it. But what I can do is revisit the memories of him that I do have and quietly wish him a Happy Birthday in Heaven. I may not have known him very well but I love him with all my heart.

Today you would have been 50.

I can't visit your burial site Dad, I can't put flowers on your grave. All I can do is write this blog. I did a google search for flowers and choose some that I would have bought you if you were here or if I could visit your and these are what I choose:

They seem fitting. Every time I think of you I think of working on cars and photography. Always have and wasn't ever sure why. 

Today I booked a flight to go see my Grams and all my family. It's a reunion 20 years overdue. It's meant to be. The flight being booked on Dad's birthday just proves it in my book. I am excited and nervous and antsy. I'm nervous to fly and I'm nervous of how I will be received. I don't want them to be nervous around me or awkward or scared to say the wrong things. Family is family. I am the awkward, quiet, afraid to say the wrong thing person or ask the wrong questions. In just 20 days I will be boarding a flight and 2 hours later I will be there. I can't wait. 

I am sentimental. I love easily and give just as easily. I love freely not expecting anything in return. I wear my heart on my shoulder despite all the years trying to hide it. I am stubborn and stand my ground even if it means heart break. I cry when I'm angry, I cry when I'm happy. No matter how many times my heart breaks, I always find a way to mend it. I am strong willed and always find my way. 

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