Love, Compassion, Understanding and Anxiety

Family means EVERYTHING.

 

Maybe it's just me and my issues with not having a functional family growing up,

But having a family I can DEPEND on,

Who LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY,

Means everything to me.

 

My father (birth father) died when I was about 8-9 years old.

I only remember seeing him once,

but that one set of memories from that visit has stayed with me all these years,

Engrained into my memory,

My heart,

and has helped mold me to who I am today.

My heart aches sometimes as what I lost,

What could have been.
I took from this experience,
That a child needs their father.

 

Everything happens for a reason.

 

My mother,

I don't think she ever cared.

She gave birth to be at 16,

then my brother 18 months later.

"Irish Twins" its called when two babies are born so close in age.

She gave us up.

Pawned us off because drugs were more important.

4 years after my brother was born,

Our "Mother" gave birth to another baby,

Our half-sister.

Whom she didn't raise either.

Although she did stick around longer for our sister than either of us.

I wish I could say she did the right thing giving us up,

But the situation she put us in wasn't all that much better.

Anyhow...

After I grew up,

Even though she had been in and out of my life for most of my life,

Although more out than in,

I let her back in.

I was just turning 21.

Things seemed really good.

She seemed to have changed.

Started making better decisions with her life,

and more than willing to have a relationship with me.

That lasted almost 6 years.

What changed?

I gave birth to my daughter,

And after spending the first week of my daughters life living with us,

She dissapeared.

I hardly ever heard from her.

When I did it was short calls.

She never had time to really talk.

Never had time to visit.

Finnaly I flat out asked her what her problem was.

She pretended nothing happened.

The few times we did see her,

She wasn't herself.

Finnaly I confronted her.

She was on drugs.

I wouldnt allow that in my house,

or around my child.

I told her she wasn't allowed around my family while she was high,

or comming down,

or had it in her possesion.

I didn't even know what it was,

but it didnt matter.

After a year of her being gone,

She calls and wants back in our lives.

I tell her its her last chance.

If she screws up shes gone.

No lieing.

No using.

No dissapearing.

If she walked out,
She was out for good.
We saw her ONCE,
Talked to her a handfull of times,
Then she was gone again.
She never returned phone calls,
Emails,
Nothing.
So I wrote her one last time.
Told her she made her bed,
Now shed sleep in it.
I was done.
I wouldn't have her mess up my daughter,
Like shed done me growing up.
It took 6 months,
6 months,
For my 1 year old to stop calling for her Nana.
Everyday my heart broke more.
Not for me,
But for the little girl with her broken heart.
A mirror image of myself as a child.
Waiting on the same woman who didn't give a damn about me.
That's what drugs will do to you.
Drugs become more important than family.
My mother taught me two lessons my entire life:
To stay away from drugs,
And how NOT to be a mother.
Even through all her issues,
And even though she hurt my family,
And me,
Many times.
I Love her.
And I forgive her.
But forgiveness and stupidity are two different things.
I forgive the last almost 30 years of crap,
but im NOT stupid enough to let  her back into our lives.


I won't even touch the rest of my "childhood" with a 10 foot stick.
Its not worth it.
I know how not to be.
How not to treat people.
How not to raise my kids.
My phycology teacher told me that I have this rare personality that takes the good out of every situation,
No matter how bad the situation.
Most important lesson from my "childhood",
is how to love my kids.
Feeling loved,
Feeling wanted,
Wasn't something I often felt.


Since Liam's birth,
And all his medical issues,
And hospital stays.
I hear:
"How do you do it?"
"Im not strong enough to go through what you've gone through with Liam"
ALOT.
Truthfully?
My crappy childhood taught me that a mother is ALWAYS there for their children.
Even though mine never was.
When the going gets tough,
You don't turn tail and run.
You hike up your skirt and face it straight on.
Yea I've been through some pretty bad situation in my life,
And admitidly,
Watching Liam struggle was the worst,
But I had made myself several promisses at an early age:
1) Never do drugs
2) Never abandon my kids like I was
Life lessons and God got me through,
Always will.

Im always striving to be a better mom,
Worried that someone thinks Im anything like my mother.
Im NOTHING like her.
I will NEVER be anything like her.
I feel like Im being judged by her actions sometimes.
My mother would have ditched Liam at birth if shed given birth to him.
Her response wouldn't have been,
"Do whatever you can to save my baby"
As I told the doctors.
She is a selfish human being.
I feel she is lacking all moral code.
Because of this,
I do more for others than myself.
I get told frequently that I have to do more for myself,
take are of myself too.
I hardly ever listen.
I feel good knowing that my kids are taken care of.

Liam's mediport is due to be flushed monday.
Im extremely anxous.
Im dissapointed,
even alittle angry at myself,
for not being able to get it the last two times.
I have to do this.
I have to be able to do this.
Theres just so much pressure for me to get it right.

Im in an odd place tonight.
Ive had alot on my mind lately.
Alot that just needed to be thrown out there.