I sat down many times to post about Liam's would be 6th birthday.
Every time I couldn't find the right words, but I'm starting to realize that there will never be the right words when it comes to the loss of my son.
As a mom you do all you can to keep you babies strong, healthy and even happy.
So when Liam was born with CDH I blamed myself even knowing there was no blame to be made.
I had spent every moment I possibly could by his side as he fought for life in the NICU.
When we brought him home I become more than his mother.
I was his nurse.
His nutritionist.
His physical therapist.
I was his caregiver.
All of that came before being his mother because his health came first.
I sucked it up and did whatever I had to do to help him.
After all I was his mother and it was my job to care to him at whatever cost.
When he came down with a "cold" in November 2015,
I followed all protocol we had set in place with his doctors.
I followed every step.
When it seemed he was getting better then suddenly ill again,
I took him into urgent care for chest X-rays as per protocol.
They refused saying his lungs sounded to good and he was too happy to have pneumonia.
So I took him home feeling that everything was ok.
But as the night went on I became uneasy.
He got worse each hour that past.
I wanted to load him up and take him to Children's hospital but because I had just taken him to Urgent care we reasoned that it couldn't possibly be so bad that we couldn't wait until the morning.
The next morning everything happened so fast and before I knew it I was sitting in the ER being told to call my husband and get him there asap that things were more dire than I could have imagined.
Next thing I know I listening to the doctor call TOD.
I was angry.
I was shocked.
I didn't want to believe it.
I begged Liam to come back.
And I felt like a failure.
I was his mom.
His nurse.
His caregiver.
I knew him better than ANYONE.
I should have been able to save him.
But I couldn't.
Still I blamed myself.
The moment his heart stopped,
a part of me died with him.
The me I was before ceased to exist.
And finding the words to explain the pain has been difficult.
There won't ever be the right words to explain how deep the pain cuts.
(Liam's 3rd birthday)
As Liam's birthday approached I struggled with what to do.
Do I get together with those who loved him to "celebrate" and remember,
or do I suffer in silence and not even attempt to roll out of bed?
At the last minute I decided to give it a go and see if anyone wanted to come have lunch with me.
Honestly I didn't expect many people would want to sit with me through this day.
I honestly thought that most people wouldn't want to take time out of their day to sit with a mom who lost her baby and see her broken.
I was wrong.
More people showed up that I thought would be possible.
More people texted me to let me know they were thinking of me.
As another blogging mom says often,
"Love shows up"
That's exactly what happened.
Love showed up.
So much show that despite the heart break over losing my son and not being able to hold him and spoil him on his special day,
that it kept the tears at bay.
We laughed.
A lot.
Everyone told me how much they loved my little lamb.
Everyone sat with me and took my mind of the heartbreak for a little bit.
I watched everyone as they laughed and chatted.
I watched the kids play and be happy.
And I thought how amazing it was that this little boy of mine touched so many lives that they willingly came to celebrate and remember him on his day.
Some even brought presents for Liam's corner.
I can't even begin to tell you how special that is to me.
Some brought donations of toys for our care packages we put together for Children's hospital in Liam's memory.
LOVE SHOWED UP
(Big sister Lanie with sparklers for Liam's birthday)
At the end of the day the three of us celebrated in our own way.
We ate pizza for dinner because that's what Liam would have wanted.
And we had cake.
Then we set off a few fireworks and sparklers for him.
I kept asking myself,
"what do I do? I can't buy him presents. I can't spoil him, hold him or cover him in kisses. What do I do?"
Things just fell into place.
I see that know but I couldn't see it then.
It may not have been a huge party like I would have done if he'd been here,
but it didn't have to be because love showed up.
To everyone who joined us physically and emotionally:
THANK YOU!
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