The Tight Rope

2/2/2015 Little Liam was exhausted so he climbed up in my lap and fell asleep. It seemed by lap was his happy place. I'm glad I could give him that.

Today has been emotional. Liam's big sister is getting ready to turn 9. We're throwing her a surprise birthday party. On my way home from work I thought about how much fun it would be. Then a dark fog descended. Liam wouldn't be there. He will miss all the fun and we will miss his smiling face and his laugh.

How am I supposed to do this? How am I supposed to cope with this kind of pain and continue to live? I sat there in my car crying uncontrollably. My baby boy was gone. Just like that the scab was ripped off and I'm once again bleeding.

I sat there and thought about my daughter. I sat there and thought of what my husband would say once he saw all the party supplies. Especially the pinata. He's so predictable that I imagined he'd tell me that I was going overboard. I imagined my response to him. "She's the only baby I have left and despite whatever you may think, I'd do anything for her. I only have 1 now. My boy is gone. I can't have anymore kids and we will never be in a position where adoption is an option. She's all I have so yes, I'm going to spoil her on her birthday and any other time I feel like it."

All day I've been thinking about how every happy time, every holiday, every celebration will always have this shadow lingering in the corner for me. Last October, we threw Lanie her first Halloween party. We invited a ton of kids and our friends and family. The yard was full and over flowing with joy as the kids danced to the monster mash, gorged on sweets and played games. I imagine that Liam would have been right in the mix playing and laughing if he had been there. I could almost see the shadow, about his size, weaving through the crowd.

I'm at that "stage" in my grief where I walk this tight rope strung from two skyscrapers. As long as I keep moving forward, don't stop and balance correctly, I won't fall. It sounds easier than it really is. I think walking a real tight rope would be easier than the emotional one I'm walking now.