I haven't forgotten to post, I've just started several post but never finished them. It's like I can't ever finish a thought. All I seem to finish typing are ramblings. The ramblings of a grieving mother. Maybe that's the post I should share. The ones that start out so strong and with a point and then just like a snap of fingers, the thought is gone. Not gone but unable to grasp it in the sea of emotions and floating thoughts fighting to break free.
I've been so busy lately. I've purposely took on so much more than I know I should have just so I don't have time to truly sit and think. Or sit and feel the pain at its rawest. I get done with one project and add two more in it's place. I need to slow down, I know I do, but I can't. I literally can't. I don't know how and I don't really want to if I did.
We had a Sweet Sisters birthday party at our church. It kept me busy for a few weeks. Team Kids and Simple Supper started back up so that leaves my Wednesdays chaotic at best. We have our first event this Saturday for Sent from Heaven. I've been busy shopping for supplies, creating centerpieces and writing speeches. I'm excited that our nonprofit has come so far in such a very short time. I have no doubt that Saturday will be hard when I have to get up in front of everyone and tell my story of loss. I've yet to tell it without crying. Then it's all statistics and facts from there.
Lanie's 9th birthday is coming up quickly. I'm also busy trying to plan a surprise birthday party for her. I didn't realize how hard that would actually be. In the midst of this, I'm also trying to plan a baby shower, a gift for my husband's birthday and a revamp of my daughters bedroom that includes a new bed. One I have to order and put together. Plus I'm already planning this years CDH awareness picnic, organizing our toy drive and helping run a nonprofit. I'm not bragging. I'm just emphasizing how busy I'm trying to stay because when I stop, the pain sets in.
I don't want to feel totally broken inside. I can handle feeling physically broken but emotionally broken is a whole new level of pain that hurts beyond imagination. I have my moments. I can laugh with my coworkers. Enjoy a cup of coffee. See a movie. Read a book. There was a period of time when I could do none of those things. I would sit there crying uncontrollably or I was frozen, starring into nothing. I could easily be that again, on my worst days I am, but I don't want to be.
God's promise states that Liam is in heaven. He is completely healed and made new. God's promise states that I will see him again when I get to heaven. I cling to that promise like a life preserver in the middle of a harsh storm in the ocean. That promise gets me out of bed each morning. That promise got me to rejoin society and return to working. I'll never tell you it's easy. I'll never tell you that I'm over it. None of those things are true. I will tell you that things get different. The change isn't easy by any means. It's like surgery, it hurts and it's cutting a piece of yourself off your body. A piece you didn't want taken away. When you heal, it leaves this huge "ugly" scar. You'll never be the same.
You spend the rest of your life missing that piece in every moment. Especially holidays, birthday and any other celebration. There will always be that shadow that follows you around. You can't run from it because it's part of you now. It's in everything you do. Let me let you in on a secret though; that's not always a bad thing. Because of Liam Sent from Heaven was born. He's not the only reason but he's my main reason. We all have our own reasons. We do it for our own angels.
I had a choice. I could have ignored God calling me to be a part of this. I could have stayed home, comatose and shattered, where I would never heal. The truth is I wanted to heal. I wanted to get better. I don't want to "get over it", I want to live with it instead of ending my life to end the pain. Helping others going through what I'm going through is my band aide. It's aiding my healing. When your grieving you have to find your band aide unless you want to live with a gaping wound.
I won't begin to tell you that I know how this life will play out. I won't tell you after such and such time, things will just be better. There is no timeline. No expiration. No finish line to this pain. Like I've said a million times, it doesn't go away. It changes and becomes something different. Like energy. You can either choose to let that energy burn you, or you can choose to focus that energy and make it fuel you. My hope for anyone struggling with the loss of a child is that you let that energy fuel you to do something good.
Remember, God knows his plans for us. He's seen all and knows all, more than we can even begin to fathom. He wants good for us. He wants us to prosper and grow. He doesn't want us harmed or hurting. He doesn't take our babies from us. Yes he could have saved them, but he sees all and knows how any and every situation would play out. He chooses the best. Don't be angry at him, be angry at the devil who decided to pick on our babies. That is the hardest thing to remember when your hurting. Trust in God and his plans. One day they will be revealed to us.
I've been so busy lately. I've purposely took on so much more than I know I should have just so I don't have time to truly sit and think. Or sit and feel the pain at its rawest. I get done with one project and add two more in it's place. I need to slow down, I know I do, but I can't. I literally can't. I don't know how and I don't really want to if I did.
We had a Sweet Sisters birthday party at our church. It kept me busy for a few weeks. Team Kids and Simple Supper started back up so that leaves my Wednesdays chaotic at best. We have our first event this Saturday for Sent from Heaven. I've been busy shopping for supplies, creating centerpieces and writing speeches. I'm excited that our nonprofit has come so far in such a very short time. I have no doubt that Saturday will be hard when I have to get up in front of everyone and tell my story of loss. I've yet to tell it without crying. Then it's all statistics and facts from there.
Lanie's 9th birthday is coming up quickly. I'm also busy trying to plan a surprise birthday party for her. I didn't realize how hard that would actually be. In the midst of this, I'm also trying to plan a baby shower, a gift for my husband's birthday and a revamp of my daughters bedroom that includes a new bed. One I have to order and put together. Plus I'm already planning this years CDH awareness picnic, organizing our toy drive and helping run a nonprofit. I'm not bragging. I'm just emphasizing how busy I'm trying to stay because when I stop, the pain sets in.
I don't want to feel totally broken inside. I can handle feeling physically broken but emotionally broken is a whole new level of pain that hurts beyond imagination. I have my moments. I can laugh with my coworkers. Enjoy a cup of coffee. See a movie. Read a book. There was a period of time when I could do none of those things. I would sit there crying uncontrollably or I was frozen, starring into nothing. I could easily be that again, on my worst days I am, but I don't want to be.
God's promise states that Liam is in heaven. He is completely healed and made new. God's promise states that I will see him again when I get to heaven. I cling to that promise like a life preserver in the middle of a harsh storm in the ocean. That promise gets me out of bed each morning. That promise got me to rejoin society and return to working. I'll never tell you it's easy. I'll never tell you that I'm over it. None of those things are true. I will tell you that things get different. The change isn't easy by any means. It's like surgery, it hurts and it's cutting a piece of yourself off your body. A piece you didn't want taken away. When you heal, it leaves this huge "ugly" scar. You'll never be the same.
You spend the rest of your life missing that piece in every moment. Especially holidays, birthday and any other celebration. There will always be that shadow that follows you around. You can't run from it because it's part of you now. It's in everything you do. Let me let you in on a secret though; that's not always a bad thing. Because of Liam Sent from Heaven was born. He's not the only reason but he's my main reason. We all have our own reasons. We do it for our own angels.
I had a choice. I could have ignored God calling me to be a part of this. I could have stayed home, comatose and shattered, where I would never heal. The truth is I wanted to heal. I wanted to get better. I don't want to "get over it", I want to live with it instead of ending my life to end the pain. Helping others going through what I'm going through is my band aide. It's aiding my healing. When your grieving you have to find your band aide unless you want to live with a gaping wound.
I won't begin to tell you that I know how this life will play out. I won't tell you after such and such time, things will just be better. There is no timeline. No expiration. No finish line to this pain. Like I've said a million times, it doesn't go away. It changes and becomes something different. Like energy. You can either choose to let that energy burn you, or you can choose to focus that energy and make it fuel you. My hope for anyone struggling with the loss of a child is that you let that energy fuel you to do something good.
Remember, God knows his plans for us. He's seen all and knows all, more than we can even begin to fathom. He wants good for us. He wants us to prosper and grow. He doesn't want us harmed or hurting. He doesn't take our babies from us. Yes he could have saved them, but he sees all and knows how any and every situation would play out. He chooses the best. Don't be angry at him, be angry at the devil who decided to pick on our babies. That is the hardest thing to remember when your hurting. Trust in God and his plans. One day they will be revealed to us.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11
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