Rainbow

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11 months ago today my world stopped.

I watched my son take his last breath.

I watched my sons heart beat its last beat.

I watched the doctor proclaim time of death with tears in his eyes.

My world was never the same.

On Tuesday December 15th, 2015 I said good bye to my baby boy.

My little lamb.

He was 4 years,

5 months,

and 1 day old.

He fought until he had no fight left in him.

But he was tired.

So very tired and needed rest.

"Mommy I tired, I sweep" he said to me.

I didn't know when I told him it was ok to sleep that it wasn't what he meant.

Part of me feels that he knew.

God was right there in the room.

Guiding the doctors.

Making sure that at the end of the day I would have no doubt they did all they could.

God knew I would be broken.

He knew my soul would shatter.

But he knew I would be put back together.

He saw all outcomes and choose the best for Liam.

He did his best to comfort me.

I went from being in the ER room watching them work,

to being surrounded by loved ones.

God knew what I needed and he gave it to me.

As I type I sit here crying.

Tuesday are not good days.

They've been dreaded since Liam passed on a Tuesday.

This particular Tuesday has been extremely difficult.

It also happens to be the 15th.

The very day Liam went to Heaven.

I spent the day refusing to look at the date.

I kept telling myself that it was Wednesday.

I tried to spend the whole day in denial.

But God had a different plan.

It was made very apparent to me what today was by several people.

Everyone just wanting to make sure I was ok on this particular day.

So then I was forced to face the dreaded fact that today was indeed Tuesday the 15th.

There are certain numbers, days and months that will forever be hard for me.

#4 Liam's age

#15 the day and year he passed away.

Tuesday, the day he passed away.

There's a whole slew of things that will forever effect me.

I could have ignored everyone.

Truth is I tried at first,

but when reminders kept coming,

I knew I had to face it.

Good news is that I survived.

My emotions may be goo right now,

my anxiety and depression on high,

but I survived.

I haven't yet moved on from survival mode to living again,

but there's hope.

Finally hope.

On Sunday evening my friend Amanda and I presented Sent from Heaven to our church.

We started SfH in the wake of our tragedies.

She had had 2 miscarriages in the last year.

I had lost Liam and my first pregnancy of twins.

SfH is such a God thing.

She woke up with this idea for a nonprofit that gives care packages to parents when they lose a child.

This includes miscarriage,

illness,

birth defects,

adoption,

suicide and more.

She then decided to ask me to join her.

There was no hesitation.

I knew the moment I heard what she was doing that I was meant to help.

I needed something to help heal my brokenness and felt lead to this.

So Amanda,

her husband Joseph,

and I went to work.

Last week Amanda and I met with a lawyer about helping us with paperwork.

The meeting didn't go as we had hoped,

but it put us on another path.

Sunday we attended our churches business meeting,

stood in front of everyone present,

and explained what SfH was,

our purpose,

and our hope for  the future.

We asked them if they would accept us as one of their ministries.

This would allow us our nonprofit status and allow us to continue giving families care packages.

We knew going in that this was a HUGE thing to ask of them.

We went in hoping for the best yet expecting to be back to chasing our path.

After many questions and discussion it was time to vote.

Not only did one of our pastors make the motion,

but a couple playfully "fought" over which would second the motion.

We all had a great laugh over it.

Then they voted.

They voted anonymously and approved us.

I was in shock to be honest.

I sat down and was utterly happy yet in utter shock.

On the drive home I cried.

God always promises a rainbow after the storm.

Because I can't have anymore kids I was struggling with the fact that I would never have my rainbow.

As I cried I thanked God.

I suddenly knew that this was my rainbow.

SfH was my rainbow after the storm.

My purpose.

What I belonged doing.

I felt a change in me.

Like being stitched up.

Another piece of me was being mended.

I may have had a horrible day today,

and I struggle with things daily,

but I'm healing.

I'm on the path that God wants me on.

I find that life is better when you stop fighting God and follow his path.

So even though I'm sad and hurting,

there's comfort and love and healing.

I feel so blessed to be able to be a part of something that has already done great helping others,

and will continue to do great things.

I feel blessed and so thankful to be surrounded by so many people who love and support me.

AG Creation Adventures: Table & Terrarium

Today my daughter and I took the day to have some fun. My daughter loves her 18" dolls and has been wanting a few items for some time now. Problem is everything for these dolls cost way too much for my budget. So we decided to find out own way to make accessories for her dolls.  

We decided to take some pretty unusual objects to create something else.

What we have here are a platter, two decorative metal candle holders and a plastic flower vase.

We found all these items at the Dollar Tree.

We decided these would make a great table.

We flipped the vase and platter upside down and glued them together.

Next we flipped the candle holder upside down.

That's it!!

No joke, it was that simple.

And it only cost me $4 to make it.

Our next project was a turtle terrarium.

Again the Dollar Tree had everything we needed.

We picked up a clear plastic jewelry and a Squirt figurine.

I already had the tissue paper and rocks at home but they sell those there as well.

We took the lid off the box and set it on its side.

Next we placed Squirt inside along with enough rocks to cover the bottom.

We taped a piece of tissue paper to the back so it looked like water.

This was a temporary thing until I print a picture of the ocean or coral to use.

Next we placed the lid on the box and we were done.

I have one very happy little girl,

and three very happy dolls.

We also picked up this plastic tea set that is perfect for her dolls.

More post coming soon for camping accessories!!

Just 4, Only Ever 4

We are officially in the holiday season.

A season that I once loved and was excited for.

A season that use to bring me great joy.

A season that now brings me great sadness and heartbreak.

Yesterday I plastered a smile on my face as I went to work.

My heart broke as I watched the kids watch Charlie Brown and the great pumpkin.

It was a tradition to watch it with the kids before Halloween.

A tradition that I couldn't bear to do this year.

Yet there I was put into a situation where I couldn't walk away.

I delivered treat bags to my daughters class.

All the kids were so excited.

I smiled for them.

Thought about how nice it would be to be able to smile without faking it.

To be able to be so innocent again.

My husband and I have been struggling with Halloween without Liam.

I relented and took our daughter to our church's carnival.

I relented again and took her trick or treating because she was sad we weren't.

All I wanted was to stay in bed a day and wallow in my heart break.

I wanted to hide from the world until Halloween was over.

Instead I had to suck it up for my daughter while her dad got to stay home.

I'm an emotional wreck today.

I can't even put into words how yesterday felt.

How today feels.

It's like I'm in shock all over again.

Liam's Halloweens are summed up with a mere 4 pictures.

4 Halloween's.

Only 4.

Just 4.

That's all we have.

That's all we will ever have.

4.

Four.

Just 4.